Today I have a LATER start to my day. As I sit here with my morning coffee reading everyones posts on my newsfeed, I realize every day in life we are ALL celebrating different things, or each facing our own struggles for THAT day.
People are prepping for big presentations, class, work, day off... others are celebrating life, anniversaries, vacations, birthdays, others are mourning loss, loss of a boyfriend/girlfriend because of a breakup, others are mourning the death of a best friend, others are mourning the loss of themselves.
Next month marks 6 years since my father has passed, and ONLY this past year have I decided to truly, honestly, looked deep down inside and actually face the reality.
Early this year (January) I started for the first time to deal with the pain of losing a loved one. Having to look at yourself in the mirror and try and figure out what TRULY is bothering you and hurting you is hard to do, for anyone. The loss of my father isn't the only thing that was bothering me over the years, and it seems like all the pain of EVERYTHING came all at once. Losing someone you love, trying to find out who you are as a person and having someone betray and take advantage of the trust you instilled in them, and finally finding a way to look at yourself as a person, and decide what you wanted in life... was HARD to do, but worth every minute, day, tear, heartache, fight, dream, nightmare.
Earlier this year I met someone who made me realize that I am a beautiful person inside, and out. Somebody actually took interest in my feelings, and for the first time... I let my guard down, and let someone else into my life of solitude. Actually, he is the reason I am still alive today. This person knows who he is, and knows the impact he had on my life. I just want to thank him personally for what he was able to do for me over this past year. I love this person more than they will ever know, and a day doesn't go by that I think and pray all his hopes and dreams become a reality, the same way mine are slowly becoming realities.
Over the past 8 months of my life I have experienced so much in life, things I never thought I would be able to experience. True Love, life, happiness, excitement, joy, and hundreds of other emotions I never thought i was even worthy of deserving.
My life took a major change this past Winter/Spring. I decided coming out to my family was something I had to do. Having these feelings built up inside for 10 years on how my family would react, or if they would accept me... kind of all went away, because I was happy with who I was, so they should be too. Right? Right. They were. Coming out to my sisters was my first step. Being approached by my older sister via an AIM Msg saying she saw pictures of me out and about.. kind of opened the flood gates and made it a little easier to talk about. But just because the gates were open and people knew, didn't mean I was ready 100% to open up and tell the world.
A full month went by before I even brought it up to my little sister. My little sister was not only my little sister, but one of my best friends. I love both of my sisters but because Amanda and I are closer in age, and just shared a lot more common interests I found it harder to come out to her than I did to Sandra. Afraid Amanda was going to betray me, or up and leave me (the way others in my life have.. weather it be ACTUALLY up and leaving, or leaving/checking out emotionally) I couldn't be more wrong. As we sat one day out to lunch in newport, she turned to me.. grabbed my hand across the table and said "Josh, your my brother and that's all I know, I love you no matter what" A single tear rolled down my face as I finished my slice of garlic bread pizza, I thought to myself.. WOW.. if Amanda can accept me, and can make me feel this good about myself. What am I so afraid of? This is who I am, this is who I've always been. Everyone loves me already, so why should that change?
As I entered my first relationship, I decided I didn't want to hide this from the person who means the most to me: Mom. It was time to tell her the truth, EVERYTHING.
To sit your mom down and tell her your gay is one thing. To sit your mom down and tell her your not only gay, but work at a gay bar, and already dating someone.. is a lot for any parent to take. ESPECIALLY a off the boat portuguese mom. :)
The outpour of support I received from her, was unreal. The questions that followed weren't questions that I thought she would ask... I thought she would ask things like how long have I known, How do I feel, who else knows, etc. Instead, she didn't skip a beat, she follows up with.. OH? Is that why you have all those new pairs of underwear? lol, yes mom it is. She immediately started to apologize for anything she has ever said or did that I might of taken offense to (like saying my skin tight black jeans make me look like a fairy) We sat there, cried, laughed it off and told her I'm proud of who I am, and am not afraid to live my life, as ME.
Since April, my life to me has been everything i dreamed it couldn't be. filled with happiness, joy, love.. things that I never thought I could ever experience in life. but sometimes when something is too good to be true we begin to question ourselves instead of just letting life happen. We decide that for once we like the way our life is going, and we never thought we would be able to experience this.. if WE think we were never meant to feel this way, than why do we feel this way? to meet someone who seems to be the perfect piece to your puzzle, in so many ways, is it meant to be true? or is this just a beautiful nightmare? when life seems to get a little out of hand, or we're unhappy with life, we at least have that person to curl up in bed with and smile, and be happy with. But what do you do when your best friend, your soulmate is gone in a moments notice... who do you turn to? Sure we all have that friend we can turn to, but that person doesn't know EVERYTHING the way your soulmate did. who do you turn to when the person you want, and need the most in life just.. isn't there anymore.
WHO DO YOU TURN TO? Losing a friend, brother, father, sister, mother, lover, etc, to death is always hard to do. I know first hand. My dad and I never had the closest relationship simply because he worked hard 24/7 to make sure his 3 children and beautiful wife had everything they could ever want. ...but he was still my father and I loved him with all my heart. If i could change one thing about my past, it would be to have my father around to tell him I'm gay, and introduce him to the new and improved joshua. Granted I know he can see from heaven how I'm doing.... and with everything going on in my life lately, I know he's right here by my side listing to me every night as I cry myself to sleep, as i wake up at 3-4am from the god awful nightmares that seem to never end. I know he's here.
But what do you do when the person who you want to share all this with hasn't passed they are still here.. living life day to day? ...what do you do? You can only hope that one day they need you the same way you need them. and for everyone who has already found that perfect person in their lives, congrats. if you think even for the slightest moment in time that you found that person, but let them go.. GET THEM BACK. do whatever it takes to get that person back in your life.. you need them, and they probably need you too. For those of us still looking for that perfect person to spend the rest of our lives with.. only time will tell.. just never give up hope.
I sure haven't.
sometimes it takes the lost of a love one for us to open our eyes and realize what we're missing in life, what we love about life, and what we want to change. Sometimes people say things like "live life to the fullest, tell the ones you love that you love them every day, never go to bed angry" but how many people really do those things? and how many people just SAY those things because it sounds good, or looks good in a journal entry, or sounds like advice we'd like to hear said to ourselves?
This post wasn't written for everyone to comment "OH JOSH I LOVE YOU YOUR AMAZING" or ANYTHING like that. It was written because it's simply how I feel and just wanted to share a little bit with everyone as to what makes joshua, joshua.
feel free to interpret this in any way you want. I can only hope the people that mean the most to me find this note, read it, and hope it reaches them on a personal level. some how.
and hey, I love you
.
I leave you with this, an oldie but goodie: http://www.youtube.com/wat
