Life Support.

There are times in life when the people around us, our friends, family and coworkers become the life support in which we rely on to live. I remember back when I was a senior in high school and losing my father was one of the most difficult things that I ever had to deal with and at times felt like I couldn't physically push any further, I couldn't walk another step, I couldn't eat a thing in sight, I had nothing to live for. If it wasn't for my life support I would of died at that point in my own life. Having cousins, aunts and uncles, friends, family, coworkers gather around me to check on me and make sure I was eating, make sure I was sleeping, doing everything in their power to make sure I was okay, both emotionally and physically helped me push through one of the darkest moments in my life.

I think back to the life support I've been for others... I've always had a particular difficult time dealing with my emotions and at times tend to lash out on the ones I love the most, just to give them a reason to be mad at me so I wouldn't feel bad if I wasn't there emotionally for them when they needed me the most. Over the years I have learned how to control my emotions, put them aside and be there for someone when they needed it the most. Something as simple as surprising someone at work with flowers after a bad break-up, buying someone a meal or a coffee and using it as an excuse to just TALK to them so they could open up to you because you could clearly see the pain behind their eyes, as they stare at you in a gaze. Something as simple as an "I love you" text message to your significant other during a particular rough time in their life. A few words of encouragement to a sibling when they needed it the most. All prime examples of how we can be the support system someone else needs.

I remember coming out to my family and how emotional that was for me. Having a boyfriend who supported my decision and to keep our relationship a secret from my family until I was ready to come out was defiantly the strongest support system for me at that time. Having friends who knew and were still there for me like they were before I came out to them. Coming out and admitting I was gay was something that I struggled with for almost 10 years. At times I just wanted to shout out "I'M GAY" the words were there, on the tip of my tongue.. they were just never spoken. I remember feeling at another one of my all time lows in life.. right before I came out. I was living a double life. I had my "straight life" which my family and coworkers knew of.. and then I had my "gay life" which involved a job at a club, my new group of gay friends, and really.. a whole new scene for me... in which I felt comfortable for the first time in my own skin. Coming out gave me the strength I needed to get off of life support and live my life strong, healthy and with a positive outlook.

We could analyze every moment in our life when we feel like others were there for us when we needed it the most, but honestly.. we are there for each other in our daily lives whether we know it or not.

In recent months someone who was always able to put a smile on my face no matter what was going on, became terminally ill.. My grandmother. She's a firecracker alright. (A portuguese firecracker that is) As I sat by her bed side today and she grabbed my hand and held it.. no words were uttered, I knew exactly what she was trying to say and how she was saying it. To see her eyes open up from a deep sleep. hold my hand, grab it and just smile.. I knew it was her way of saying goodbye. I will always remember her amazing cooking, her amazing attitude, her jokes, all the jokes she let me play on her, walking her down the aisle of my aunts wedding, spending my child hood at her house every weekend with my sisters and her letting us do what ever we wanted because we were her grandchildren. The list of memories goes ON and ON and ON. No one will or can make kale soup quite like her. She's the only one who can give Venus De Milo a run for their money and their coveted soup, and Don't even get me started on her meat and potatoes and homemade bread.

As I sat there I learned, well I should say came to realization with.. I am TOTALLY a product of my grandmother... there are two things she loves and craves more than anything else. McDonalds cheeseburgers and Dunkin Donuts coffee. Like grandmother like grandson. :)

As the sand falls in the hourglass of her life... and these months turned to weeks, and now what could be days... I was left with one final memory of my grandmother. As I sat there this evening holding her hand she kept saying "did you drink my coffee?" and I would simply respond "No Vavo.. it's still here" she would just smile and say "Oh you can have it". Minutes later she would ask again with a little smirk on her face.. "did you drink my coffee yet? it's there for you." I'd respond "Ok vavo, I drank it" she just turned and looked at me with a face of "GOOD" But knowing my grandmother... I know her to well.. she kept asking me if I drank the coffee because she wanted coffee but didn't want anyone to go through the trouble of making it for her.. So we asked her "since I drank the coffee, do you want me to make some more for you?" her smile is all I needed. As I got up to get her coffee I realized we both like it the same way. Dark. A little milk. and LOTS of sugar. Even as she sipped her coffee as I held the cup out for her she would turn and say "did you even put sugar in this?" :)

From now on.. every time I get a coffee Dark, with milk and extra sugar.. my vavo will ALWAYS be the first thing that comes to mind... and this is exactly how I want to end things with her, on a positive note, with a positive memory. That was our way of saying goodbye. We're two stubborn portuguese ladies who will ALWAYS get our way. ;)

As I walk down that aisle of the church, whenever it may be.. carrying her in that casket.. I will celebrate the amazing life she had, and all the amazing memories she gave me. I love you Vavo <3