Ready. Set. Change.

New Year, New Me.

This blog might be 11 days late.. but so be it. As 2010 drew to a close I looked back on my year as many of us do and was grateful for so much. 2010 proved to be a year of growth for me. A year where I had to dig deep inside, find out who Joshua was and really let myself be free to be who I want to be. 2010 brought on new friendships, dissolved others, strengthened my ties with my family A LOT less partying and A LOT more volunteer and positive spirits.

Anybody that knows me/works with me knows that in the morning I'm always groggy , they are always long, and no matter what I did I could never get up in time and had the most bizarre sleep patterns known to man. Somedays sleeping 1-2 hours at the most on a work night simply because the amount of information that was on my mind couldn't even be fathomed with by most. One day as I was headed to work I really began to question what I was even doing with my life. What was the point of the same routine day in and day out. The Josh that everybody grew to love, including myself was gone. Where was that fun, carefree spirit who always put a smile on peoples faces when he walked into a room, where was that josh who was always cracking a joke or willing to bend over backwards for anybody and everybody simply because thats just who he was. HE WAS GONE. He was replaced with Josh who was filled with negative energy, a negative outlook on life and would purposely find the negative in life just to find a reason to be sad.

In October, I loss someone very dear to me, my grandmother. She was always able to put a smile on my face. She was to me what I was for so many other people, for so long. That much needed smile after a rough day. Reaching out to friends at this difficult time helped me not only overcome this curveball life threw at me, but also allowed me to weed out those that didn't matter. Those who left me with nothing but empty and broken promises. Those who have been nothing but negative energies in my life. It was time for them to move on and OUT of my life. I know we were never promised that life would be easy. Trust me, I know we are all born, and we all will die. But not all of us will LIVE. From that moment on I decided to live my life for ME and those that I love, not for anyone else. If it wasn't for the tragedy of my grandmother or the miracle of strength my uncle who was deathly sick, overcame. I don't know if I would be where I am now.

Oct-Dec is always a rough time for me. Starting out with the anniversary of my fathers death, now my grandmother and then the holidays. This year through everything, I was able to see the joy in life. After months of waiting, I was finally paired with my "little brother" through the big brothers/big sisters organization and have been showing a young boy what life is really all about and how to not take things for granted. I was able to find joy in volunteering my time on both Thanksgiving and Christmas at the homeless shelter and give to those who have so little. As a family we decided on not doing gifts this year and helping out those more in need. By doing this I was able to do my part in spreading a little holiday cheer around the mall by surprising random shoppers with a gift card to dunkin for them to sit back, relax and just enjoy life for a moment. Life is about relishing in the moment. Living it to the fullest. People often ask me WHY I do the things I do and I always simply answer "I don't know.. I just wanted to".

As new years eve approached I spent the day discussing with co-workers possible resolutions for 2011 and how we'd probably all fail by Jan 15th anyways, so what's the point of even making them? But that night, as I headed to work at the bar... I thought about what resolutions would I make for 2011 that I'm willing to keep and work on... As the ball dropped and I stood there alone... I realized there is no reason to make a resolution for the new year. If I wanted something in my life to change then I'm going to do it NOW because I want to. Not because it's a new year and I'm supposed to.

And those resolutions may remain a secret with me forever, but know this.. I never believed people when they said you must love yourself before you can love anybody else. I always found that to be a cop-out. But really, for the first time in forever I can really say I do love myself. And I'm proud of the person I've become, I'm proud of my attitude and outlook on life. My life is no longer about making everyone else a priority. For the first time, it's about me and what I want. Putting myself first is probably the smartest thing I could of ever done. I plowed through 2010 begging to be in a relationship. Someone to hold and to love and care for every day and night... when really now, I look back and HOT DAMN.. thank god I was alone. It gave me the time to grow into who I am now.

We might only be 11 days into the new year, but something tells me 2011 is going to be a great year. No more worrying if a boy is going to return my call/text. Clearly he's not worth my time. No more asking why things didn't work out the way I thought they were going to. No more drama. No more lies. Just me, Josh. I was born this way, this is who I am. It took me 24 years to realize who that person is... but damn let me tell you.. he's a pretty legit guy. ;)

So as you read this I ask you.. take a moment to yourself, forget about everyone else. Forget about all the drama in your life. Forget about Britney and her newest single. Forget about your ex and how their new boyfriend is clearly a downgrade. Forget about how shitty of a day you had. Forget about your bills. Forget about all the problems in the world. Focus on you, for a minute. What do you want to do with your life? Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? How happy do you want to be?

Make the changes this year that you want to see in yourself. You enter this world alone and leave the same way. While you're here make the most of it, sit back and enjoy the ride. I never said it was going to be easy and I never said it was going to be fun. But if I can do it, so can you. Slowly the old Josh is making his way back and this time he isn't fucking around. He's here to stay.