The $5 Umbrella.

Every now and then something strikes me that I just have to write about and then I remember, I have this blog for a reason and sometimes it pays to put it to good use. Over the weekend I had the pleasure of trekking down to NYC to visit a good friend of mine for a quick weekend get away to the city. It was your typical gay weekend.. bar hopping, dinners, gay brunches (it's never just brunch, it's always gay brunch), shopping, a show, etc etc etc.

As I enjoyed my weekend in the city, we were getting ready to head out Saturday night for a night on the town and were contemplating bringing jackets and umbrellas with us. Me, being the stubborn new englander I am, I made the snap decision that we didn't need umbrellas or a jacket. It was just rain.. and besides only a 60% chance at that. We headed out for the night got through dinner, got through the show, trekked over to our first bar of the night and yet, not a chance of rain. Actually, if I recall it was BEAUTIFUL out, seemed to of gotten warmer. As we finished our first drink we noticed a group of boys who were apparently just as stubborn as myself entering the bar drenched. The apartment was too far away to run back and get an umbrella so the easiest thing to do was to run from awning to awning, store front to store front until we came across a convenience store. We ducked into the first store we could and this is where I learned about the new york $5 umbrella.

Any New Yorker or visitor of the great city has come across a $5 umbrella at one point in their life, either they had to purchase one themselves or they have seen the mangled metal bodies littering the streets. These umbrellas, although may look like your typical umbrella, I can assure you they are NOT. These umbrellas I swear are designed to last an hour, tops. I even joked saying they were equipped to self destruct and implode on themselves 2 hours after being opened for the first time. Believe it or not, that umbrella lasted me all night. I thought I must of been lucky and got one they forgot to "arm".

The next morning, we headed out for gay brunch and some daytime shopping. The winds were heavy, the rain was pouring. My umbrella, although almost having a moment of self-imploading after a strong gust of wind, still was able to withhold the test of the mean streets of NYC. After withholding rain all day, I packed up my bags and headed to the bus to come home to MA. After my goodbyes I headed out early giving myself plenty of time to hail a cab and make it to the bus 1/2 hour before scheduled. As I stood there in the rain I noticed everyone around me with their big fancy umbrellas which when compared to mine, cost them 10 times as much and was doing a poor job at protecting them from the now windy sideways blowing rain storm that was hitting us head on. As the rain subsided for a moment, I stood there shivering, alone, reflecting on a great weekend. When I noticed something unusual, the rain started to seep through the nylon fabric of the umbrella. I stood there curbside surrounded by a sea of twisted cheap aluminum frame corpses slowly separating from their already partially shredded nylon skins. My bus was now late, I'm now wet, cold and realizing although this person standing next to me umbrella may LOOK the same, there's a difference in quality.

In life you are given the choice, the choice to be the $5 umbrella or to be the $50 umbrella. Although both may look the same from the outside, it's about quality. Quality of life, quality of design, quality of strength. The $5 umbrella serves a purpose in life. Although that life may be short lived, it lived a life nonetheless. If something that cost only $5 was going to protect me from an April NYC shower/storm then why are there even umbrellas being sold in department stores for 10x the price? Chances are it's too good to be true. Regardless, I wanted to believe in my $5 bargain, I wanted to believe I beat mother nature.

As I start a new chapter of my life, I sit here in a remotely empty apartment sitting by candle light, sipping a freshly brewed cup of coffee wondering about the other aspects of my life that could benefit from a quality umbrella. Have I made the right choices in life or did I push hard work and dedication aside for the cheap $5 version of life? Is this even what I want? Is this my dream? Although I think it's near impossible to have a midlife crisis at the age of 25 I sit back and look at my friends, my career, my lifestyle, my family, my love life and wonder... Is this the best that I could possibly get or is this the $5 version waiting to self-implode?

Never settle for 2nd best, never settle for B-grade, never settle for the $5 umbrella. The truth of the matter is, everyday we are one day closer to death, one day closer to the end. Live your life to the fullest, make each day count, make each day better than the last. Chase your dreams, make them happen for yourself. Tell your friends and family you love them, make a change in your life for the better. I truly believe you create your own destination in life. As much as I like to live life on the edge, on a whim, on the fly... Sometimes it pays to step back, plan your life for YOU and realize.. sometimes 60% chance of rain means just that.. 60% chance of rain. You can plan ahead and bring your jacket and umbrella with you on the journey of life and prepare yourself for what's ahead or you can risk it, end up cold, wet, alone, and $5 poorer. Make the choice for yourself, but this weekend I promised myself to never be the $5 umbrella version of myself again. There comes a point where you grab life by the metal nylon covered horns and run with it. I'm running.

25.

If I learned anything about myself not only the over the past year or so, but over the course of my lifetime I'd say the lesson most important to me is to laugh. Laugh often, laugh hard, laugh loud and laugh proud. Make me laugh and I'll love you forever. Many people know that when my birthday month starts to creep up on me, I tend to be high strung, in a bad mood (often) and just over all depressed. Even if we are in the middle of the summer, my favorite time of the year, the sun is shining, my skin perfectly sun kissed, the windows are down, the sunroof open, the music blaring.. it just isn't enough for me.

After a rocky start to the month of July I decided it's not worth it anymore. There is absolutely no reason why I should ever be in a bad mood, after all.. the only person allowing myself to be in a bad mood is me. After spending a weekend out in the sun, sharing it with the people I love the most, I realized birthdays just aren't about getting a little older or focusing on all the things you wanted to accomplish the year before, it's about celebrating life. celebrating YOU.

So this year, as the big 2-5 approaches, now that I'm a quarter century old.. I look back and yes, I may not be where I thought Joshua at 25 would be at... but hey, I love the person I've become, I love where my life is going, I love waking up to friends and family that love me for who I am and I love me most of all. To hear people tell you how much they love you, or how much of an impact you have had on their life or even just to hear "you always make me laugh/smile" makes my day. Knowing that I'm having a positive impact on someones life just by being a part of it makes me a better and stronger person.

Below I leave you all with this, a list of 25 things I've learned about myself and life:


1. Family will always be the most important thing in my life.
2. Forgiveness is for yourself and no one else.
3. To share your insecurities with others will only make them love you more, not less.
4. Through life's busy schedule, be sure to always include time for yourself.
5. In a world run by technology, nothing is as satisfying as a tweet, text or wall post knowing that someone is thinking about you at that exact moment in time.
6. Find a partner who loves you as much as you love and respect yourself. Happiness is sure to ensue.
7. There is something to be said for looking back on life and thinking "wow I was a dumbass" but now, view that moment and just laugh at it.
8. Friendships can be sparked at a moments notice and can last a lifetime.
9. Own it. own up to your actions, no matter what they may be.
10. You are in charge of your own happiness.
11. A healthy body will lead to a healthy life.
12. Random acts of kindness never go unnoticed. You just made a complete strangers day.
13. I'm proud of the man I am.
14. If you are honest and tell the truth, you will never have to remember a lie.
15. Removing yourself from your comfort zone is a good thing.
16. Drama, no matter who said it, who shared it, who did it.. It's just not worth it. It will never make you happy.
17. People do change.
18. Inspire yourself. Inspire others.
19. Unplug your life, become a child again: play a board game, jump in a puddle, sing in the rain.
20. Rock bottom isn't always a bad thing. Rock bottom is the moment in life when you decide to change yourself, for better. I've hit rockbottom before and have been looking up ever since.
21. It does get better.
22. You are NEVER alone.
23. Love: Love hard. Love everyone. Love yourself.
24. Laugh a lot, often, hard and loud.
25. and last but not least.. I'm FUCKING AMAZING.

Thank you all for being apart of my life and making me who I am today. I am me because of you! You all inspire me on a daily basis and I'm so proud to call you all my friends, my family, my life. Happy 25th Birthday to me.. but this day isn't just about celebrating my life, t's about celebrating you, you are all apart of me and my life <3

Ready. Set. Change.

New Year, New Me.

This blog might be 11 days late.. but so be it. As 2010 drew to a close I looked back on my year as many of us do and was grateful for so much. 2010 proved to be a year of growth for me. A year where I had to dig deep inside, find out who Joshua was and really let myself be free to be who I want to be. 2010 brought on new friendships, dissolved others, strengthened my ties with my family A LOT less partying and A LOT more volunteer and positive spirits.

Anybody that knows me/works with me knows that in the morning I'm always groggy , they are always long, and no matter what I did I could never get up in time and had the most bizarre sleep patterns known to man. Somedays sleeping 1-2 hours at the most on a work night simply because the amount of information that was on my mind couldn't even be fathomed with by most. One day as I was headed to work I really began to question what I was even doing with my life. What was the point of the same routine day in and day out. The Josh that everybody grew to love, including myself was gone. Where was that fun, carefree spirit who always put a smile on peoples faces when he walked into a room, where was that josh who was always cracking a joke or willing to bend over backwards for anybody and everybody simply because thats just who he was. HE WAS GONE. He was replaced with Josh who was filled with negative energy, a negative outlook on life and would purposely find the negative in life just to find a reason to be sad.

In October, I loss someone very dear to me, my grandmother. She was always able to put a smile on my face. She was to me what I was for so many other people, for so long. That much needed smile after a rough day. Reaching out to friends at this difficult time helped me not only overcome this curveball life threw at me, but also allowed me to weed out those that didn't matter. Those who left me with nothing but empty and broken promises. Those who have been nothing but negative energies in my life. It was time for them to move on and OUT of my life. I know we were never promised that life would be easy. Trust me, I know we are all born, and we all will die. But not all of us will LIVE. From that moment on I decided to live my life for ME and those that I love, not for anyone else. If it wasn't for the tragedy of my grandmother or the miracle of strength my uncle who was deathly sick, overcame. I don't know if I would be where I am now.

Oct-Dec is always a rough time for me. Starting out with the anniversary of my fathers death, now my grandmother and then the holidays. This year through everything, I was able to see the joy in life. After months of waiting, I was finally paired with my "little brother" through the big brothers/big sisters organization and have been showing a young boy what life is really all about and how to not take things for granted. I was able to find joy in volunteering my time on both Thanksgiving and Christmas at the homeless shelter and give to those who have so little. As a family we decided on not doing gifts this year and helping out those more in need. By doing this I was able to do my part in spreading a little holiday cheer around the mall by surprising random shoppers with a gift card to dunkin for them to sit back, relax and just enjoy life for a moment. Life is about relishing in the moment. Living it to the fullest. People often ask me WHY I do the things I do and I always simply answer "I don't know.. I just wanted to".

As new years eve approached I spent the day discussing with co-workers possible resolutions for 2011 and how we'd probably all fail by Jan 15th anyways, so what's the point of even making them? But that night, as I headed to work at the bar... I thought about what resolutions would I make for 2011 that I'm willing to keep and work on... As the ball dropped and I stood there alone... I realized there is no reason to make a resolution for the new year. If I wanted something in my life to change then I'm going to do it NOW because I want to. Not because it's a new year and I'm supposed to.

And those resolutions may remain a secret with me forever, but know this.. I never believed people when they said you must love yourself before you can love anybody else. I always found that to be a cop-out. But really, for the first time in forever I can really say I do love myself. And I'm proud of the person I've become, I'm proud of my attitude and outlook on life. My life is no longer about making everyone else a priority. For the first time, it's about me and what I want. Putting myself first is probably the smartest thing I could of ever done. I plowed through 2010 begging to be in a relationship. Someone to hold and to love and care for every day and night... when really now, I look back and HOT DAMN.. thank god I was alone. It gave me the time to grow into who I am now.

We might only be 11 days into the new year, but something tells me 2011 is going to be a great year. No more worrying if a boy is going to return my call/text. Clearly he's not worth my time. No more asking why things didn't work out the way I thought they were going to. No more drama. No more lies. Just me, Josh. I was born this way, this is who I am. It took me 24 years to realize who that person is... but damn let me tell you.. he's a pretty legit guy. ;)

So as you read this I ask you.. take a moment to yourself, forget about everyone else. Forget about all the drama in your life. Forget about Britney and her newest single. Forget about your ex and how their new boyfriend is clearly a downgrade. Forget about how shitty of a day you had. Forget about your bills. Forget about all the problems in the world. Focus on you, for a minute. What do you want to do with your life? Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? How happy do you want to be?

Make the changes this year that you want to see in yourself. You enter this world alone and leave the same way. While you're here make the most of it, sit back and enjoy the ride. I never said it was going to be easy and I never said it was going to be fun. But if I can do it, so can you. Slowly the old Josh is making his way back and this time he isn't fucking around. He's here to stay.

Create & Believe

We've had our laughs
We've had our tears
We've had our ups
We've had our downs.
We've had our smiles.
We've had our frowns.
We've had our love.
We've had our fears.

We have our family.
We have our faith.
We have your guidance.
We have your strength.
We have your love.

You taught us right from wrong.
You taught us words to our favorite song.
You made me smile when no one else would.
You made me dinner, like no one else could.

An angel you've become.
A memory you'll always be.
A blessing in my daily prayer.
I know you're watching from up there.

If losing someone close to me has taught me anything it's to learn how to forgive. Both my dad and my grandmother were very forgiving people. Yesterday on the anniversary of my fathers passing I stopped by the cemetery to pay him a little visit, sit and talk with him.. share my thoughts and feelings about what's going on in my life lately. As i wrapped things up with my father I headed home to emotionally prepare myself for another loss.

Today while at breakfast catching up with one of my dearest friends I got the phone call informing me that my grandmother had past. Emotionally I was okay. I knew she was in a better place. If my grandmother taught me anything it was to enjoy the simple things in life. As a child I remember painting over my grandmothers house. I remember grabbing a bucket of water and a paintbrush.. heading outside and splashing the water over the concrete wall and "painting". Using my imagination to make the pictures I was painting come alive. I remember cleaning out her cupboards and using every grocery I could find to play supermarket with my sisters and cousins. I remember there not being any toys, games, etc at her house.. but yet.. it's where we had the most fun as children. She taught me to use my imagination and to look beyond what was already there. She inspired me to CREATE and to BELIEVE. My creativity and beliefs are two things I hold dear to me. always. I thank my grandmother for instilling this creativity in me at such a young and impressionable age.

She showed us grandchildren that life can't be all that bad.
She showed us there is light at the end of every tunnel.
She was strong when everyone else was weak.
She had faith in her children, grandchildren and in others.
Her smile made others happy.
Her laughter could cure any bad mood.

She truly was an amazing individual and I know she is not gone forever, I know she's in a better place. When I look up in the sky at night... I know she is watching over me just like my dad and my aunt and all those who have gone before her. She said her goodbyes. She held on and fought a good fight. She lived a long, strong, happy and healthy life... But god needed her.. and off she went.

It's never goodbye, it's see you soon. Until we meet again, I know you're up there shining down on me and our family.

<3

Life Support.

There are times in life when the people around us, our friends, family and coworkers become the life support in which we rely on to live. I remember back when I was a senior in high school and losing my father was one of the most difficult things that I ever had to deal with and at times felt like I couldn't physically push any further, I couldn't walk another step, I couldn't eat a thing in sight, I had nothing to live for. If it wasn't for my life support I would of died at that point in my own life. Having cousins, aunts and uncles, friends, family, coworkers gather around me to check on me and make sure I was eating, make sure I was sleeping, doing everything in their power to make sure I was okay, both emotionally and physically helped me push through one of the darkest moments in my life.

I think back to the life support I've been for others... I've always had a particular difficult time dealing with my emotions and at times tend to lash out on the ones I love the most, just to give them a reason to be mad at me so I wouldn't feel bad if I wasn't there emotionally for them when they needed me the most. Over the years I have learned how to control my emotions, put them aside and be there for someone when they needed it the most. Something as simple as surprising someone at work with flowers after a bad break-up, buying someone a meal or a coffee and using it as an excuse to just TALK to them so they could open up to you because you could clearly see the pain behind their eyes, as they stare at you in a gaze. Something as simple as an "I love you" text message to your significant other during a particular rough time in their life. A few words of encouragement to a sibling when they needed it the most. All prime examples of how we can be the support system someone else needs.

I remember coming out to my family and how emotional that was for me. Having a boyfriend who supported my decision and to keep our relationship a secret from my family until I was ready to come out was defiantly the strongest support system for me at that time. Having friends who knew and were still there for me like they were before I came out to them. Coming out and admitting I was gay was something that I struggled with for almost 10 years. At times I just wanted to shout out "I'M GAY" the words were there, on the tip of my tongue.. they were just never spoken. I remember feeling at another one of my all time lows in life.. right before I came out. I was living a double life. I had my "straight life" which my family and coworkers knew of.. and then I had my "gay life" which involved a job at a club, my new group of gay friends, and really.. a whole new scene for me... in which I felt comfortable for the first time in my own skin. Coming out gave me the strength I needed to get off of life support and live my life strong, healthy and with a positive outlook.

We could analyze every moment in our life when we feel like others were there for us when we needed it the most, but honestly.. we are there for each other in our daily lives whether we know it or not.

In recent months someone who was always able to put a smile on my face no matter what was going on, became terminally ill.. My grandmother. She's a firecracker alright. (A portuguese firecracker that is) As I sat by her bed side today and she grabbed my hand and held it.. no words were uttered, I knew exactly what she was trying to say and how she was saying it. To see her eyes open up from a deep sleep. hold my hand, grab it and just smile.. I knew it was her way of saying goodbye. I will always remember her amazing cooking, her amazing attitude, her jokes, all the jokes she let me play on her, walking her down the aisle of my aunts wedding, spending my child hood at her house every weekend with my sisters and her letting us do what ever we wanted because we were her grandchildren. The list of memories goes ON and ON and ON. No one will or can make kale soup quite like her. She's the only one who can give Venus De Milo a run for their money and their coveted soup, and Don't even get me started on her meat and potatoes and homemade bread.

As I sat there I learned, well I should say came to realization with.. I am TOTALLY a product of my grandmother... there are two things she loves and craves more than anything else. McDonalds cheeseburgers and Dunkin Donuts coffee. Like grandmother like grandson. :)

As the sand falls in the hourglass of her life... and these months turned to weeks, and now what could be days... I was left with one final memory of my grandmother. As I sat there this evening holding her hand she kept saying "did you drink my coffee?" and I would simply respond "No Vavo.. it's still here" she would just smile and say "Oh you can have it". Minutes later she would ask again with a little smirk on her face.. "did you drink my coffee yet? it's there for you." I'd respond "Ok vavo, I drank it" she just turned and looked at me with a face of "GOOD" But knowing my grandmother... I know her to well.. she kept asking me if I drank the coffee because she wanted coffee but didn't want anyone to go through the trouble of making it for her.. So we asked her "since I drank the coffee, do you want me to make some more for you?" her smile is all I needed. As I got up to get her coffee I realized we both like it the same way. Dark. A little milk. and LOTS of sugar. Even as she sipped her coffee as I held the cup out for her she would turn and say "did you even put sugar in this?" :)

From now on.. every time I get a coffee Dark, with milk and extra sugar.. my vavo will ALWAYS be the first thing that comes to mind... and this is exactly how I want to end things with her, on a positive note, with a positive memory. That was our way of saying goodbye. We're two stubborn portuguese ladies who will ALWAYS get our way. ;)

As I walk down that aisle of the church, whenever it may be.. carrying her in that casket.. I will celebrate the amazing life she had, and all the amazing memories she gave me. I love you Vavo <3

Deep Breaths...

When life seems to get harder and harder with every waking moment...
When your work load seems to get heavier and heavier by the minute...
When you feel you've reached the point of no return...
When you want to cry because you've done all that you can...
When the years turn to days and the days turn to hours and minutes...
When night becomes day again...
When something you love leaves and never comes back...
When death claims the life of someone you love...
When someone else takes from you what was yours...
When you let go hoping someone will catch you...
When THE END is really THE END...
When pictures begin to fade...
When happiness turns to sadness...
When memories turn from happiness to anger...

When life gives you all that you can take until you can't take any more, remember deep breaths.

Think about it.

The baggage we carry in our daily life can cause us to have such a negative outlook on life, but sometimes life isn't happy, and your allowed to be sad. Sometimes life isn't black and white. At one point I thought everything was as simple as yes/no. black white. I learned the hard way there are grey areas. Only once we have learned about these grey areas can we move on in life. We carry baggage around with us on a day to day basis. Baggage can be anything from our past relationships, our lives, our families, children, etc... Our emotional baggage can cause us to have such a negative view on life and hurt the ones we love the most. Spouses. Bf/Gf's. Friends. Family. Coworkers. etc. We must learn to empty our suitcases before packing for our next big trip. We must learn to forgive before we can ever love again.

Deep Breaths. I wouldn't lie to you. I'm learning to deal with this advice more so now than ever. Deep Breaths.

it's time to let loose.

In a society where we fight constantly for equal opportunity rights we are constantly judged for what we do. It's just the world we live in. We are so quick to judge others for their actions, or who they are hanging out with, or how they choose to spend their lives, money, etc. Today I got to experience a part of society that brought a positive light back into this harsh world we live in.

Amanda, my sister, a sophomore in college had a dance show today at school.. and if people know one thing about me it's my support for my family, especially Amanda and her love for dance/fame. (because lets face it.. she will be famous one day) As I sat in the top row of the bleachers and waited for the lights to dim, I began flipping through the program book and looking over the numbers/performances i was about to watch. As the show started with an over the top opening number (which featured gaga, the themes from ANTM and Nip/Tuck, as well as one my personal favorite songs "fashionista") I noticed something in the program book that caught my attention "SUNDAY PERFORMANCE ONLY" I looked up from my program and saw a group of young girls take the stage... this wasn't your everyday group of young girls. These girls ranged in age from 7-10/12? they call themselves the "let loose dance trope". these kids, all special needs or friends of special needs students lined up with their Salve dance volunteers, who led them into a group number. Seeing these girls dance with special needs was something that you have to see to believe. they hold a special place in my heart. The smiles on their faces are impossible to describe. What made me so happy watching these kids perform was the salve students who put 1. not only the time to volunteer and teach these kids, but 2. The EFFORT. In a society like we have today, children with special needs are usually pushed aside and told they can't do what other kids do because of their special need. As these kids took stage and "let loose" it was amazing to see them in action.. they got so excited to be on that stage performing as if they were honorary members of the Salve dance team. As they finished their number and took their bows the crowd clapped and gave an applause like no other. Not just because they were little kids, but because of their situation, and their ability to want to be like everyone else.

In our society today we tend to treat people with special needs differently. Weather we push them aside, or treat them as if they aren't capable of completing things the way we all are. Maybe, just maybe... instead of treating them differently, maybe they just want to be treated like everyone else. These little girls warmed my heart, and brought tears to my eyes. And for good reason. Everyone around me had the same tears flowing and the same look on their face... We need to give others a chance. Just when I lose all hope in people, life, society... things like this brighten your day and remind us there are good people in this world. I applaud these kids for having the courage to DANCE like no ones watching, let go of all the stereotypes society places on them.. and just DANCE THEIR LITTLE HEARTS OUT. I applaud the parents of these children... for allowing them the opportunity to interact with others in this way. I applaud the Salve students, who after working with the let loose dance troupe last year as part of a project, decided they warmed their hearts and continued on with this tradition, and for volunteering their time with these kids... to allow someone like me, the opportunity to have my heart warmed by something so simple and innocent. I hope to see these girls performing once again at next years spring dance show.

Although you may not have been able to experience the same feeling I did today by watching these girls perform, I'm sure you can find a way to relate. How many times in life do we feel like the outcast and just want to fit in with everyone else. We've all been there. Hell.. I know as a kid I was never the most athletic, the most popular... nor was I the best looking, or best anything for that matter. I look back at my younger years and wonder WOW.. how the hell did I become the person I am today based on what I was back then. I have a childhood filled with just bad memories from middle school/elementary school, etc.. but you know what.. those are the stories I share with people now, and laugh. How could I really think my life was that bad at the age of 7-8, hell.. look what I've been through lately and I'd rather be 7-8 again when my only worries were making sure I had green socks, my homework complete, and that I went to church on sundays (oh the joys of a catholic education).

I personally thank the "Let Loose Dance Troupe" for giving me a new vision for my week. A positive outlook on people. It's time we all let loose and dance like nobody is watching.