I wrote this blog last week.. but waited to share it, not sure why I didn't post it then, not sure why I'm posting it now, just.. I am.
I have this problem, well.. some would say it shows the true colors of my personality, but I look at it as a problem. I always have this feeling of need. Not that I always need someone or something, but that I want to be needed. It's part of who I am. Making others happy, seeing others smile, helping you solve your problems, hearing that deep belly laugh come out of someone because of something I said or did, and made them smile for the first time in days.. makes me smile. I love to care for people. But in return, I don't think it's too much to show that you care for them as well, or extend a simple "hey.. thanks for tonight.. it was great.. I really needed this"
As days go by, you learn the people who you have helped who simply used you for that.. your help, or the people in your life who are eternal grateful for your help, and want to repay you in every-way possible, but simply all you want is a thank you. There will always be the people in your life that no matter what will treat you like shit, because they know... no matter what... you will be there to lend a helping hand, or ALWAYS be there for that shoulder to cry on, that hand to hold, that voice of reason. Even after they did every last possible thing to hurt you, you are still there. It could be a best friend, an ex lover, a teacher or even a member of your own family. The same way these people may never say thank you, or even understand the amount of effort you just put forth for them, we also never say "hey... it's not that hard to say thanks.. yea I did it because I wanted to.. but just to let you know.. it hurts when you do this to me". The same way people take these small tasks for granted, maybe we should take their friendship for granted. Is it worth it?
You can't change the world. You can't change each other. All you can do is change yourself. I found this story the other day and thought I'd share it. It's about starting with yourself to see a change in the world:
When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But, it too, seemed immovable. As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world.
So I'm doing just that. After a very depressing end to 2009, I wasn't sure if I even knew who I was... I entered into a spiral of depression, started to drink more.. for the shear fact that hey.. i had no one to please... I contemplated smoking... (which if you know me Is a BIG DEAL) I went as far as buying a pack of cigarettes... unwrapping them.. taking one out.. and well.. there was no lighter in the car, you would think dating a smoker, or visiting the cemetery often to see my dad and light a candle I'd have a lighter or match handy. negative. That pack of cigarettes ended up being thrown away which I know a handful of people who would of fought over a free pack of marlboros. ;) Back on track... around october of 2009 I filled out all the necessary paperwork to volunteer myself as a "Big Brother/ Big Sister" which in my opinion is one of the greatest organizations around for young children. As I went to go mail my application in... I thought about why i was doing this. I was having a really rough day.. it so happened to be the anniversary of my dads death that day as well. but someone came through for me on that day. I ended up getting a text message that day telling me that they were thinking about me today, and my dad would be proud of the person I am. I broke down. I wasn't ready to move on and help someone else in need. You must better yourself, before you can better the lives of someone else. That application stayed on my desk.. for a solid month before I did anything with it. I threw it away. I wasn't ready.
But the point is.. do something to change yourself. Do something to better the lives of others. Make a difference in someone's life. One of my favorite in-class exercises that I remember doing was a "30 second quiz" these 30 second quizzes are usually the ones teachers will pop on you in an ethics, leadership or sociology class. For example.. when teachers give you a final exam they say "there is only one question on this test, this will either pass or fail you for the semester" ... you get the test and the question is "What is the name of the cleaning lady in your dorm?" How many people know the cleaning lady of their dorm? or the guy who comes in and cleans your office after you leave? Not many of us. I found online the actual quiz I remember taking:
Try taking it yourself.. don't bother getting a paper/pencil. If you cant answer it MOVE ON!
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last five Academy Award winners for Best Actor and Actress.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remembers the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They're the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Now here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. Name three teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worth while.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier? The lesson? The people who make a difference in your life aren't the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They're the ones who care.
So although I may not have the most credentials, the most money, the most awards... I Care. I will always care. I'm here when you need me, but remember... Your also THERE when I need YOU. I know the people for my answers. And I'm not afraid to tell them who they are. Are you afraid to tell the people who you just answered to the last 5 questions that they helped shaped your life? Maybe you helped shape their life too!
Now that I feel like I'm back on the right track.. it's time to help someone else. That application I spoke of earlier for Big Brother/ Big Sister? It's all filled out, and ready to be mailed. I'm ready to make a difference in the lives of someone else. I'm ready to make someone feel special. I'm ready to help someone through a difficult time. I'm ready, because like I said.. it starts with yourself.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
beneath the surface.
Sometimes in life it is easier to convince ourselves that we know exactly what we want to happen. We wake up and say TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY, or even do the complete opposite. We wake up and think TODAY IS GOING TO BE A BAD DAY. When in actuality we don't know what the day is going to bring us. Lately I've been doing a lot of self exploration and doing what I feel like in my heart is RIGHT. Not that I'm going through life thinking "FUCK YOU.. what i think is the way things should go" I'm just doing what I feel like in my heart is right, for me, right now.
We all have different aspects of our lives that we use to channel our emotions, some use the arts to express themselves, others turn to friends and family.. and some turn to a world of drugs and alcohol. I like to think of myself as a healthy mix of all 3. I tend to turn to my family and friends that are closest to me when I need someone to talk to, but lately... I've been dealing with things on a more spiritual deeper level. (with a little arts and booze mixed in) There are just some things that no matter how hard I try to share with someone.. I just don't think they will understand, because they are not me. I do believe in life there are just some things that you need to figure out at your own pace, your own way, on your own time. I just didn't think life in general would be one of those things.
My life to me is precious. My time and how I spend it is of great value and importance to me. I like my life for the most part, and if I make a mistake along the way, so be it. We have all made those mistakes. Actually, one of the things I think is strange is how quickly people are to judge others for the same mistakes they have made in the past. A great example is the gay scene in general. People are so quick to jump down your throat and call you a whore, a slut, a drunk/druggie, etc... But when they look at their lives... they too have made the same mistakes, they too have spent countless nights at the SAME bars, with the same crowds of people, looking for the SAME THING. But they would never consider themselves to be an alcoholic or a bar fly. So why are you so quick to judge me? We tend to judge our own lives on what we think we are capable of doing, while others are so quick to judge us based on what we have already done. Some people are able to see past the rough exterior walls that we put up. I can't begin to express the amount of times while at a bar I am approached by people saying they have read my blog, or have talked to me previous and that I stand out from the rest, I'm different. And I'll take it. No one ever said being different is a bad thing, but when your different people tend to notice... for all the right, and for all the wrong reasons. you become the center of attention, even if you don't want to... it just happens.
2009 was a rough year relationship wise.. not just romantically, I'm talking on a deeper level. Relationships with friends, family, myself, my ex, my life, my future, etc. I slowly grew tired of hearing people telling me the same thing over and over... I grew tired of people telling me the past is in the past, you need to let go. I know it's called the past for a reason, and we use the past to grow and to build. To use the past as a foundation for a stronger future.. but some aspects of the past, no matter how long ago, still hurt. They are still constant reminders about a part of our life. So when I turn to others for advice or help, thinking they may have gone through the same situations that I have... and I end up getting irritated by their response because it's not exactly what I want to hear, or they just don't see with me eye to eye makes you think... everything that irritates us about others and their views can lead us to have a stronger understanding of ourselves, and who we are.
As I look at my friends, coworkers and family members... people are growing up all around me. Friends are getting married, having babies, moving out of their house for the first time, starting new careers.. and it makes me work that much harder everyday to figure out what exactly I want out of life. I could write paragraphs about my ideal life, my ideal partner, my ideal lifestyle and dream job... but not of that would matter. None of that is real. In a moments notice it can all change. Seeing people follow their dreams and strive to make themselves a better person makes me look at myself in the mirror and think exactly what I want. The other day.. getting out of the shower I stared into the mirror and looked back at myself and saw the person who was standing there through the fogged up glass... WHO IS JOSHUA NARCISO? As the steam/condensation of the mirror cleared and I saw exactly who was standing there, I began to cry. I didn't know what I wanted.. I didn't know who I was. Sure I know things in life that make me happy, and people in life I want to be around.. but that wasn't enough. I needed more. The fact of the matter is, there is never enough. NO ONE, can ever look into a mirror and face their true, raw emotions and say I am completely happy. There is always something that could use improvement... no one is perfect.
So before you are quick to judge someone else, before you are quick to ignore someone, before you are quick to write someone off.. give them a chance. They may not be the person that is perfect for you right now... But that doesn't mean you aren't the person that is perfect for them, at that moment in time. If you are too busy judging others, that leaves you no time to love others. And I do believe without love... this world would come to a screeching halt.
I'm not sure how to end this.. but I just want to be clear.. before you are quick to judge me.. take a look at yourself.. you too were once in my shoes, you too were once in this situation.. and if you haven't been.. you will be soon. And when you are.. instead of telling you what you should do, or what the right answer is.. I'll be there to listen, I'll be there as a friend, a shoulder to cry on, the hug you need, the smile to get your day going... I can tell you right now.. the thing I will not be.. is yet another asshole, judging you for the mistakes you think you have made. There truly are no mistakes. Just things we wanted at that moment in time, that turned out in the end upsetting and hurting us rather than making us smile.
We all have different aspects of our lives that we use to channel our emotions, some use the arts to express themselves, others turn to friends and family.. and some turn to a world of drugs and alcohol. I like to think of myself as a healthy mix of all 3. I tend to turn to my family and friends that are closest to me when I need someone to talk to, but lately... I've been dealing with things on a more spiritual deeper level. (with a little arts and booze mixed in) There are just some things that no matter how hard I try to share with someone.. I just don't think they will understand, because they are not me. I do believe in life there are just some things that you need to figure out at your own pace, your own way, on your own time. I just didn't think life in general would be one of those things.
My life to me is precious. My time and how I spend it is of great value and importance to me. I like my life for the most part, and if I make a mistake along the way, so be it. We have all made those mistakes. Actually, one of the things I think is strange is how quickly people are to judge others for the same mistakes they have made in the past. A great example is the gay scene in general. People are so quick to jump down your throat and call you a whore, a slut, a drunk/druggie, etc... But when they look at their lives... they too have made the same mistakes, they too have spent countless nights at the SAME bars, with the same crowds of people, looking for the SAME THING. But they would never consider themselves to be an alcoholic or a bar fly. So why are you so quick to judge me? We tend to judge our own lives on what we think we are capable of doing, while others are so quick to judge us based on what we have already done. Some people are able to see past the rough exterior walls that we put up. I can't begin to express the amount of times while at a bar I am approached by people saying they have read my blog, or have talked to me previous and that I stand out from the rest, I'm different. And I'll take it. No one ever said being different is a bad thing, but when your different people tend to notice... for all the right, and for all the wrong reasons. you become the center of attention, even if you don't want to... it just happens.
2009 was a rough year relationship wise.. not just romantically, I'm talking on a deeper level. Relationships with friends, family, myself, my ex, my life, my future, etc. I slowly grew tired of hearing people telling me the same thing over and over... I grew tired of people telling me the past is in the past, you need to let go. I know it's called the past for a reason, and we use the past to grow and to build. To use the past as a foundation for a stronger future.. but some aspects of the past, no matter how long ago, still hurt. They are still constant reminders about a part of our life. So when I turn to others for advice or help, thinking they may have gone through the same situations that I have... and I end up getting irritated by their response because it's not exactly what I want to hear, or they just don't see with me eye to eye makes you think... everything that irritates us about others and their views can lead us to have a stronger understanding of ourselves, and who we are.
As I look at my friends, coworkers and family members... people are growing up all around me. Friends are getting married, having babies, moving out of their house for the first time, starting new careers.. and it makes me work that much harder everyday to figure out what exactly I want out of life. I could write paragraphs about my ideal life, my ideal partner, my ideal lifestyle and dream job... but not of that would matter. None of that is real. In a moments notice it can all change. Seeing people follow their dreams and strive to make themselves a better person makes me look at myself in the mirror and think exactly what I want. The other day.. getting out of the shower I stared into the mirror and looked back at myself and saw the person who was standing there through the fogged up glass... WHO IS JOSHUA NARCISO? As the steam/condensation of the mirror cleared and I saw exactly who was standing there, I began to cry. I didn't know what I wanted.. I didn't know who I was. Sure I know things in life that make me happy, and people in life I want to be around.. but that wasn't enough. I needed more. The fact of the matter is, there is never enough. NO ONE, can ever look into a mirror and face their true, raw emotions and say I am completely happy. There is always something that could use improvement... no one is perfect.
So before you are quick to judge someone else, before you are quick to ignore someone, before you are quick to write someone off.. give them a chance. They may not be the person that is perfect for you right now... But that doesn't mean you aren't the person that is perfect for them, at that moment in time. If you are too busy judging others, that leaves you no time to love others. And I do believe without love... this world would come to a screeching halt.
I'm not sure how to end this.. but I just want to be clear.. before you are quick to judge me.. take a look at yourself.. you too were once in my shoes, you too were once in this situation.. and if you haven't been.. you will be soon. And when you are.. instead of telling you what you should do, or what the right answer is.. I'll be there to listen, I'll be there as a friend, a shoulder to cry on, the hug you need, the smile to get your day going... I can tell you right now.. the thing I will not be.. is yet another asshole, judging you for the mistakes you think you have made. There truly are no mistakes. Just things we wanted at that moment in time, that turned out in the end upsetting and hurting us rather than making us smile.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)