Sometimes in life it is easier to convince ourselves that we know exactly what we want to happen. We wake up and say TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY, or even do the complete opposite. We wake up and think TODAY IS GOING TO BE A BAD DAY. When in actuality we don't know what the day is going to bring us. Lately I've been doing a lot of self exploration and doing what I feel like in my heart is RIGHT. Not that I'm going through life thinking "FUCK YOU.. what i think is the way things should go" I'm just doing what I feel like in my heart is right, for me, right now.
We all have different aspects of our lives that we use to channel our emotions, some use the arts to express themselves, others turn to friends and family.. and some turn to a world of drugs and alcohol. I like to think of myself as a healthy mix of all 3. I tend to turn to my family and friends that are closest to me when I need someone to talk to, but lately... I've been dealing with things on a more spiritual deeper level. (with a little arts and booze mixed in) There are just some things that no matter how hard I try to share with someone.. I just don't think they will understand, because they are not me. I do believe in life there are just some things that you need to figure out at your own pace, your own way, on your own time. I just didn't think life in general would be one of those things.
My life to me is precious. My time and how I spend it is of great value and importance to me. I like my life for the most part, and if I make a mistake along the way, so be it. We have all made those mistakes. Actually, one of the things I think is strange is how quickly people are to judge others for the same mistakes they have made in the past. A great example is the gay scene in general. People are so quick to jump down your throat and call you a whore, a slut, a drunk/druggie, etc... But when they look at their lives... they too have made the same mistakes, they too have spent countless nights at the SAME bars, with the same crowds of people, looking for the SAME THING. But they would never consider themselves to be an alcoholic or a bar fly. So why are you so quick to judge me? We tend to judge our own lives on what we think we are capable of doing, while others are so quick to judge us based on what we have already done. Some people are able to see past the rough exterior walls that we put up. I can't begin to express the amount of times while at a bar I am approached by people saying they have read my blog, or have talked to me previous and that I stand out from the rest, I'm different. And I'll take it. No one ever said being different is a bad thing, but when your different people tend to notice... for all the right, and for all the wrong reasons. you become the center of attention, even if you don't want to... it just happens.
2009 was a rough year relationship wise.. not just romantically, I'm talking on a deeper level. Relationships with friends, family, myself, my ex, my life, my future, etc. I slowly grew tired of hearing people telling me the same thing over and over... I grew tired of people telling me the past is in the past, you need to let go. I know it's called the past for a reason, and we use the past to grow and to build. To use the past as a foundation for a stronger future.. but some aspects of the past, no matter how long ago, still hurt. They are still constant reminders about a part of our life. So when I turn to others for advice or help, thinking they may have gone through the same situations that I have... and I end up getting irritated by their response because it's not exactly what I want to hear, or they just don't see with me eye to eye makes you think... everything that irritates us about others and their views can lead us to have a stronger understanding of ourselves, and who we are.
As I look at my friends, coworkers and family members... people are growing up all around me. Friends are getting married, having babies, moving out of their house for the first time, starting new careers.. and it makes me work that much harder everyday to figure out what exactly I want out of life. I could write paragraphs about my ideal life, my ideal partner, my ideal lifestyle and dream job... but not of that would matter. None of that is real. In a moments notice it can all change. Seeing people follow their dreams and strive to make themselves a better person makes me look at myself in the mirror and think exactly what I want. The other day.. getting out of the shower I stared into the mirror and looked back at myself and saw the person who was standing there through the fogged up glass... WHO IS JOSHUA NARCISO? As the steam/condensation of the mirror cleared and I saw exactly who was standing there, I began to cry. I didn't know what I wanted.. I didn't know who I was. Sure I know things in life that make me happy, and people in life I want to be around.. but that wasn't enough. I needed more. The fact of the matter is, there is never enough. NO ONE, can ever look into a mirror and face their true, raw emotions and say I am completely happy. There is always something that could use improvement... no one is perfect.
So before you are quick to judge someone else, before you are quick to ignore someone, before you are quick to write someone off.. give them a chance. They may not be the person that is perfect for you right now... But that doesn't mean you aren't the person that is perfect for them, at that moment in time. If you are too busy judging others, that leaves you no time to love others. And I do believe without love... this world would come to a screeching halt.
I'm not sure how to end this.. but I just want to be clear.. before you are quick to judge me.. take a look at yourself.. you too were once in my shoes, you too were once in this situation.. and if you haven't been.. you will be soon. And when you are.. instead of telling you what you should do, or what the right answer is.. I'll be there to listen, I'll be there as a friend, a shoulder to cry on, the hug you need, the smile to get your day going... I can tell you right now.. the thing I will not be.. is yet another asshole, judging you for the mistakes you think you have made. There truly are no mistakes. Just things we wanted at that moment in time, that turned out in the end upsetting and hurting us rather than making us smile.
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