The Let down

In life people who we never thought would let us down, will. Relationships that we think are perfect will fall apart for reasons unknown. Acquaintances turn into friends, and friends can turn into enemies. Life has a funny way of working itself out... I remember reading "Life doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need, to help you, to hurt you, to love you, to leave you, and to make you into the person you were meant to be" I couldn't agree more. Someone who we may think is perfect for us may end up being the worst thing to happen to us, but life brought us together for reasons both of us are not sure of. We go on living life and find out the day we die who these people were, what the did for us, but at this point.. it's too late to thank them for making you, YOU

We have to learn to live life with no regrets. You should never regret something that once made you smile. You may not be proud of what happened or something you did, but never regret something that once brought you joy. As I sit and write, I think to myself.. Today, 6 years ago.. When my dad was sent to heaven.. I wonder what regrets he had in life. I wonder who let him down, who loved him, I wonder all the people my dad met over the years that shaped him to be the man I knew and loved.

Today is always an emotional day for me, But taking my own advice for once... I wanted to try and do something about that. I'm usually in a decent mood throughout the day, and everyone tells me how strong I am, or how well I'm holding up. I may seem like I'm okay.. and for the most part I am. I try not to dwell on the sad parts of my dads life, rather try and enjoy the good the day seems to bring. My dad was always an avid drinker of Mcdonalds Vanilla shakes.. or any vanilla shake in general. Sandra (my sister) recommended I swing by McDonalds and pick myself up a milk shake in his honor.. sadly I didn't.. Instead I opted for an ice cold budlight while I sit here and write. (budlight = another favorite of his). Things like that.. his favorite food, drink, etc make today turn from a sad day, to a day filled with memories. When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life you have 1000 reasons to smile.

Today on my commute I made it a point to swing by the cemetery and have a little chat with my dad. It's been a while since I paid him a visit.. On my way there, I thought WOW I haven't been to the cemetery in forever. Then I realized it's been a solid 2 months to the DATE since I've been to the cemetery.. I talk to my dad on a weekly/daily basis but usually only swing by the cemetery when something is bothering me and I need to just go somewhere.. pray, cry and just be alone. SO today, after work I swung by the cemetery.. as I pulled up, the sun was already setting, I could see two heart shaped balloons floating back and forth tied to his grave. For some reason these balloons stopped me in my tracks, and reminded me of the love my mother and him share. I took those 2 balloons as their two hearts.. tied together, still beating as one.

Sometimes life isn't as easy as sipping back a vanilla shake and remembering the good times, life is hard. There is no answer key, there is no rule book, there is just you. People who come in and out of our lives may give us hints and ideas as to what the answer to our life is, but really.. there isn't one. Today I woke up in an okay mood for what the day symbolized... but was still in somewhat of a funk. ...and no this funk had nothing to do with my previous night of drinking. I woke up just doubting people, knowing they were going to let me down. Nothing hurts more than having your hopes set so high for someone/something and IT just falling apart right before your eyes. Knowing once again you thought things could/would be different but they/it proved you wrong, again. They failed at making you happy. ...But what if we have our expectations set too high for other people? Well for the first time that I can remember in a long time... the high hopes that I had for someone today.. I shot them down, before this person even had the chance to prove me wrong/right. WELL.. they did. I had such high hopes and faith in someone today that they would reach out to me, in some way. And im proud to say.. the person who I know.. and the person who I care for so much.. did that. They did reach out. they proved me right :) literally... had me in shock, WHO AM I TO JUDGE SOMEONE? before judging them, I should judge myself and my actions.. look at myself and decide if this is really the person who I want to be.

So although someone may let you down over time, or you even let yourself down.. look and think.. did I set my own expectations too high? Sometimes the greatest surprises are the unexpected. So learn to live life day by day, don't take the moments you have for granted... you only have 86, 400 seconds in a day to, so make the most of it. And days when your not feeling yourself you always have family there to help you get through those rough patches in life. Family is the most important thing in life. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself. No matter who your family is, tell them you love them. don't let the seconds in the day go to waste being filled with hate, negative thoughts, or expectations set too high. In the end your only letting yourself down. Remember in life is not the number of breaths you take. It’s the number of moments that take your breath away.

Hi Dad, It's me...

Hi dad, it's Joshua. Just wondering how things are with you. It's been 6 years since we've seen each other. Just wanted to check in and see what's new with you. I'm sure you've been following me real close these past few years. A LOT has changed in my life, wish you were here so we could talk about it, face to face. But until we see each other again, this will have to do.

I know you were never a fan of reading ( I remember when you were sick, and sitting on the couch someone brought you a book once and said it would help you pass the time... you looked up over your glasses and said READ? oh please. hahaha) But you were so thankful/grateful for the thought behind the gift. This letter is a little shorter than the book, so hopefully you can sit through this. =)

So since the day God decided that he needed you in heaven instead of here, there has been something that has been bothering me A LOT, and I need to get it off my chest. Today is Sunday October 18th, 6 years ago TODAY I helped Sandra and Mom carry you into the back of the van so you could make your journey into Boston. Hopefully someone there would know what was wrong with your leg. Hopefully I'd get to see you real soon, up and about, back to your old routine.. Those cows couldn't milk themselves! Although you and I would never "hugged it out" often, I remember as I shut the back door of the van... saying to you "Dad I love you, I'll see you soon.. I'll come and visit" and reaching to you and you held me in your arms and hugged me. The way a father should for his son. And off you went.. Little did I know that is the last human contact I would ever have with you. EVER.

That week was so busy for me between school, homework, a job, taking care of things here at the house.. It was a lot. But it was all going to be okay, you were coming home real soon. I remember going into school that Monday like nothing was wrong.. I would go right from school to work, just to keep myself busy... by the time I got home it was already too late to call the hospital and talk to you. I said to myself TOMORROW. I'll talk to him tomorrow! ...Tuesday came and went and I never called. TOMORROW I'll do it. Tomorrow I won't go to school, instead i'll drive to boston and see dad. Wednesday came.. I woke up with NO PLANS of going to school.. but something came up and off I went.. Maybe after school I'll go.. NOPE.. after school I had to run to work again. At work I thought.. WOW.. I haven't seen/spoken to my dad since SUNDAY. I really need to talk to him. I miss him. That night.. Wednesday October 22, 2003... I raced home from work.. no matter how late it was, I need to call dad. TONIGHT... I raced home to find the house(s) jam packed with cars, cars lining both sides of the street, I already knew what was going on. No one needed to tell me.

I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't. I ran next door to Scott and Dianes... I remember busting through that front door and seeing our entire family there. EVERYONE. aunts/uncles/cousins/etc.. I collapsed into tears. Scott came running to my rescue. he grabbed me and just held me. The reality was setting in. You were gone. The days that followed were such a blur. The wake, the funeral, seeing mom at the house... everything was just.. what i thought the most scariest nightmare I have ever had. except, this wasn't a nightmare. it was reality.

It's taken me 6 years to finally say this.. but, I'm sorry I never called, I'm sorry I never came and saw you that week in Boston, I'm sorry. Everybody else got to talk to you that day, earlier.. except for me. It's not a regret I'm holding on to... it's just.. I never thought sunday was going to be the last time I saw you. EVER. I know it's been 6 years.. but I'm sorry. I'm not going to even ask you to forgive me, because your my dad... this probably didn't even phase you the way it's been haunting me the past 6 years. I still have dreams to this day of you, of that week, of that month, of that year.

I know your watching over me and by my side all the time, So I won't even go into detail what's been going on in my life these past 6 years... but ESPECIALLY this past year. 2009 was destined to be a great year for me... It's surly had it's ups and downs, and defiantly moments of regrets, and things I am ashamed to say that I said/did to hurt others. But in the end 2009 was a life changing experience for me. and hey.. we still have 2 1/2 months left! God only knows what the future holds for me... But while your up there.. if could find a way to maybe pull a few little strings, that would be great. ;-)

Until we meet again dad, I love you. Talk to you soon. I can't believe this thursday will be 6 years since you had to leave us... I love you and miss you. Gotta run.

Love always, your son,

-Joshua

Wash away...

I believe in life, every choice we make leads us onto a new path. Much like those books we all read as kids where you get to choose your own adventure. I believe our lives are much like those choose your own adventure books. Sometimes no matter how hard you try and pick the path that might seem to be the right one... in the end it still comes back and bites you in the ass somehow. (Or at least the books I read...I would always die early on)

This past week, my life seemed to be a never ending "choose your own adventure" book. I have never felt stretched so thin emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I just feel like this past week I was at wits end with everybody and everything. Every choice I made seemed to "hit me" emotionally. I just couldn't deal with it. Or could I? How much will God give us before he thinks.. "oh okay.. that's enough for him this week". But that's the thing.. God will never give us something we can't deal with. He made us all individuals, and knows what we can/can not deal with.

I've learned not to question his actions so much, but deal with what has been given to me. As much as it hurts to see things/people around you change and you have no control over it is very nerve wracking especially for someone like myself who use to think life was ALWAYS black and white and everything has an answer. Only until recently have I looked at life as a full spectrum of colors vs. Black/white. Who would of thought? A creative individual like myself thinking the world is just black and white, BOY WAS I WRONG. Unfortunately I may have hurt and offended many people I'm sure with my views on life, but if any of them are reading this now, I'd like to let you know... I'm sorry.

Someone once told me a story about a boy who would constantly lose his temper as a child. Every time he lost his temper the boys father told him to take a nail and hammer it into the fence. Every time the boy lost his temper he would do this. Eventually he got tired of hammering away at this fence and learned to control his temper. Once he learned to control his temper the boys father told him, every day that goes by and you don't lose your temper I want you to take a nail OUT of the fence until there are no more nails left. Once all the nails were removed the father took the boy by the hand, brought him to the fence and told him... "you see son, the nails are the things you said and did to hurt people, the fence is their heart...you can say your sorry and apologize and mean it, but the damage is already done. You have left a permanent hole in the fence, and in their heart." Why should we go through life just saying and doing what we want, only to say we're sorry later and everything will be okay? It's not right. We have all been the fence, and we have all driven many nails into other fences.

Lately I've been having trouble dealing with the pain that I have caused others thinking of all the holes I left in their fence with my nails. I'm not really looking for forgiveness or love, but more so just assurance... assurance they know the things I did, we have all done to each other. At one point or another we can all look back and pinpoint moments in our life when we have felt like the Fence AND the Nail. We all deserve a second chance in life.

Someone very close to me throughout my teenage years had a second chance, a third chance, a forth chance, a fifth chance, a sixth chance... They had more chances than anyone I know. But instead of looking at their own flaws/faults it was easier to just NAIL another hole into my fence. It lasted years, until I finally decided this "fence" couldn't stand on it's own anymore and just blocked that person out of my life. For a long time.

Having been hurt emotionally, I started to isolate myself from the rest of reality. I found a new home/social life online. I started talking with teens around the world with similar interests to mine. This new virtual life of mine started off as a hobby on the side, until literally I found myself online 4-8 hours at a time, if not more chatting with teens around the world, meeting the same people online night after night. We became a small family. They were here just as much as I was. Most of us were on the east coast and would race home from class, forget homework, hop online... eat, drink, sleep at our desks... and just talk, joke, laugh with each other day in and day out. I started to learn more and more about these people... they were just like me, needed somewhere to go, something to do, we just wanted to be accepted. We eventually all started to exchange emails, phone numbers, facebooks etc. Our chats use to range from silly topics like new cars, computers, Wendys baconator (anything bacon for that matter) to more serious topics like relationships, loss of a loved one, etc.

I remember 2 years after my dad died I logged in and someone who I've been very sociable with sent me a message asking me how I was holding up today. Mind you this person and I talked literally EVERY DAY for the past year ("Z") ... and he had his own things to worry about like midterms and grad school... but he remembered it was the anniversary of my dads death. This "virtual world" started to become real. Joshua and my online alter-ego "Jay" were now one person. Things going on in my life at that time that I didn't think I could deal with "Jay" would come out at night and share them with a complete group of strangers and got the comfort I needed.

I remember one day having one of the worst days in a long time. I was online chatting with "Z", "PR", "Kiddo" and a few others... when someone new came into the picture, "Mikey". Mikey wasn't like the rest... he was different. For some reason this person intrigued me. Actually, we ended up becoming really great friends and as fate would have it, ended up meeting in person one day. Sometimes people don't know how much of an impact they have on your life until you tell them. I think Mikey knows how much he means to me, but if not... I want to let him know if it wasn't for him, I would of never of had the courage to do half the things I've done this past year, and probably wouldn't be the person I am now. Mikey and I are still friends till this day, we still see each other all the time out and about at the bars, we still hang out every now and then. He is just one of the most caring, fun, warm-hearted people I have ever met. He is always good for a decent drink, a great laugh, and a good time. ACTUALLY... I think out of all the time's I've ever been "DRUNK" he accounts for MOST of them. hahahaha. But that's how the nights went.. we'd laugh, drink and forget our pains and enjoy each others company. I love that guy.

But not everyone in life is like Mikey. We aren't all lucky enough to have a Mikey in our life to get us back on the right foot, sometimes we need to do it all for ourselves. Recently someone who I consider to be really close to me is starting a whole new chapter of their life and I am amazed at how they are doing it. This person is very much independent to themselves and doesn't EVER ask for help from anyone. They are about to take on the biggest challenge of their life, and I'm amazed at how they are doing so far. I am their biggest fan, they know that... I can only hope when they need help or a shoulder to cry on, or a person to just vent to when it becomes too much... hopefully they know where I am, hopefully they know I'm their Mikey.

Mikey helped me deal with a lot of the pain I had these past few years...

This might be a tradition... Not sure yet, but I'm going to try and end each blog post with a song that reminds me of my current mood, or relates to the story some how...

We all have troubles in life, we all have problems we are dealing with.. We all wish we could just wash them all away, but they make us who we are. This song "Wash Away" by Joe Purdy is just a feel good song. and I heard it today while at work and it kind of just stuck with me.