Hi dad, it's Joshua. Just wondering how things are with you. It's been 6 years since we've seen each other. Just wanted to check in and see what's new with you. I'm sure you've been following me real close these past few years. A LOT has changed in my life, wish you were here so we could talk about it, face to face. But until we see each other again, this will have to do.
I know you were never a fan of reading ( I remember when you were sick, and sitting on the couch someone brought you a book once and said it would help you pass the time... you looked up over your glasses and said READ? oh please. hahaha) But you were so thankful/grateful for the thought behind the gift. This letter is a little shorter than the book, so hopefully you can sit through this. =)
So since the day God decided that he needed you in heaven instead of here, there has been something that has been bothering me A LOT, and I need to get it off my chest. Today is Sunday October 18th, 6 years ago TODAY I helped Sandra and Mom carry you into the back of the van so you could make your journey into Boston. Hopefully someone there would know what was wrong with your leg. Hopefully I'd get to see you real soon, up and about, back to your old routine.. Those cows couldn't milk themselves! Although you and I would never "hugged it out" often, I remember as I shut the back door of the van... saying to you "Dad I love you, I'll see you soon.. I'll come and visit" and reaching to you and you held me in your arms and hugged me. The way a father should for his son. And off you went.. Little did I know that is the last human contact I would ever have with you. EVER.
That week was so busy for me between school, homework, a job, taking care of things here at the house.. It was a lot. But it was all going to be okay, you were coming home real soon. I remember going into school that Monday like nothing was wrong.. I would go right from school to work, just to keep myself busy... by the time I got home it was already too late to call the hospital and talk to you. I said to myself TOMORROW. I'll talk to him tomorrow! ...Tuesday came and went and I never called. TOMORROW I'll do it. Tomorrow I won't go to school, instead i'll drive to boston and see dad. Wednesday came.. I woke up with NO PLANS of going to school.. but something came up and off I went.. Maybe after school I'll go.. NOPE.. after school I had to run to work again. At work I thought.. WOW.. I haven't seen/spoken to my dad since SUNDAY. I really need to talk to him. I miss him. That night.. Wednesday October 22, 2003... I raced home from work.. no matter how late it was, I need to call dad. TONIGHT... I raced home to find the house(s) jam packed with cars, cars lining both sides of the street, I already knew what was going on. No one needed to tell me.
I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't. I ran next door to Scott and Dianes... I remember busting through that front door and seeing our entire family there. EVERYONE. aunts/uncles/cousins/etc.. I collapsed into tears. Scott came running to my rescue. he grabbed me and just held me. The reality was setting in. You were gone. The days that followed were such a blur. The wake, the funeral, seeing mom at the house... everything was just.. what i thought the most scariest nightmare I have ever had. except, this wasn't a nightmare. it was reality.
It's taken me 6 years to finally say this.. but, I'm sorry I never called, I'm sorry I never came and saw you that week in Boston, I'm sorry. Everybody else got to talk to you that day, earlier.. except for me. It's not a regret I'm holding on to... it's just.. I never thought sunday was going to be the last time I saw you. EVER. I know it's been 6 years.. but I'm sorry. I'm not going to even ask you to forgive me, because your my dad... this probably didn't even phase you the way it's been haunting me the past 6 years. I still have dreams to this day of you, of that week, of that month, of that year.
I know your watching over me and by my side all the time, So I won't even go into detail what's been going on in my life these past 6 years... but ESPECIALLY this past year. 2009 was destined to be a great year for me... It's surly had it's ups and downs, and defiantly moments of regrets, and things I am ashamed to say that I said/did to hurt others. But in the end 2009 was a life changing experience for me. and hey.. we still have 2 1/2 months left! God only knows what the future holds for me... But while your up there.. if could find a way to maybe pull a few little strings, that would be great. ;-)
Until we meet again dad, I love you. Talk to you soon. I can't believe this thursday will be 6 years since you had to leave us... I love you and miss you. Gotta run.
Love always, your son,
-Joshua
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