This past week, my life seemed to be a never ending "choose your own adventure" book. I have never felt stretched so thin emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I just feel like this past week I was at wits end with everybody and everything. Every choice I made seemed to "hit me" emotionally. I just couldn't deal with it. Or could I? How much will God give us before he thinks.. "oh okay.. that's enough for him this week". But that's the thing.. God will never give us something we can't deal with. He made us all individuals, and knows what we can/can not deal with.
I've learned not to question his actions so much, but deal with what has been given to me. As much as it hurts to see things/people around you change and you have no control over it is very nerve wracking especially for someone like myself who use to think life was ALWAYS black and white and everything has an answer. Only until recently have I looked at life as a full spectrum of colors vs. Black/white. Who would of thought? A creative individual like myself thinking the world is just black and white, BOY WAS I WRONG. Unfortunately I may have hurt and offended many people I'm sure with my views on life, but if any of them are reading this now, I'd like to let you know... I'm sorry.
Someone once told me a story about a boy who would constantly lose his temper as a child. Every time he lost his temper the boys father told him to take a nail and hammer it into the fence. Every time the boy lost his temper he would do this. Eventually he got tired of hammering away at this fence and learned to control his temper. Once he learned to control his temper the boys father told him, every day that goes by and you don't lose your temper I want you to take a nail OUT of the fence until there are no more nails left. Once all the nails were removed the father took the boy by the hand, brought him to the fence and told him... "you see son, the nails are the things you said and did to hurt people, the fence is their heart...you can say your sorry and apologize and mean it, but the damage is already done. You have left a permanent hole in the fence, and in their heart." Why should we go through life just saying and doing what we want, only to say we're sorry later and everything will be okay? It's not right. We have all been the fence, and we have all driven many nails into other fences.
Lately I've been having trouble dealing with the pain that I have caused others thinking of all the holes I left in their fence with my nails. I'm not really looking for forgiveness or love, but more so just assurance... assurance they know the things I did, we have all done to each other. At one point or another we can all look back and pinpoint moments in our life when we have felt like the Fence AND the Nail. We all deserve a second chance in life.
Someone very close to me throughout my teenage years had a second chance, a third chance, a forth chance, a fifth chance, a sixth chance... They had more chances than anyone I know. But instead of looking at their own flaws/faults it was easier to just NAIL another hole into my fence. It lasted years, until I finally decided this "fence" couldn't stand on it's own anymore and just blocked that person out of my life. For a long time.
Having been hurt emotionally, I started to isolate myself from the rest of reality. I found a new home/social life online. I started talking with teens around the world with similar interests to mine. This new virtual life of mine started off as a hobby on the side, until literally I found myself online 4-8 hours at a time, if not more chatting with teens around the world, meeting the same people online night after night. We became a small family. They were here just as much as I was. Most of us were on the east coast and would race home from class, forget homework, hop online... eat, drink, sleep at our desks... and just talk, joke, laugh with each other day in and day out. I started to learn more and more about these people... they were just like me, needed somewhere to go, something to do, we just wanted to be accepted. We eventually all started to exchange emails, phone numbers, facebooks etc. Our chats use to range from silly topics like new cars, computers, Wendys baconator (anything bacon for that matter) to more serious topics like relationships, loss of a loved one, etc.
I remember 2 years after my dad died I logged in and someone who I've been very sociable with sent me a message asking me how I was holding up today. Mind you this person and I talked literally EVERY DAY for the past year ("Z") ... and he had his own things to worry about like midterms and grad school... but he remembered it was the anniversary of my dads death. This "virtual world" started to become real. Joshua and my online alter-ego "Jay" were now one person. Things going on in my life at that time that I didn't think I could deal with "Jay" would come out at night and share them with a complete group of strangers and got the comfort I needed.
I remember one day having one of the worst days in a long time. I was online chatting with "Z", "PR", "Kiddo" and a few others... when someone new came into the picture, "Mikey". Mikey wasn't like the rest... he was different. For some reason this person intrigued me. Actually, we ended up becoming really great friends and as fate would have it, ended up meeting in person one day. Sometimes people don't know how much of an impact they have on your life until you tell them. I think Mikey knows how much he means to me, but if not... I want to let him know if it wasn't for him, I would of never of had the courage to do half the things I've done this past year, and probably wouldn't be the person I am now. Mikey and I are still friends till this day, we still see each other all the time out and about at the bars, we still hang out every now and then. He is just one of the most caring, fun, warm-hearted people I have ever met. He is always good for a decent drink, a great laugh, and a good time. ACTUALLY... I think out of all the time's I've ever been "DRUNK" he accounts for MOST of them. hahahaha. But that's how the nights went.. we'd laugh, drink and forget our pains and enjoy each others company. I love that guy.
But not everyone in life is like Mikey. We aren't all lucky enough to have a Mikey in our life to get us back on the right foot, sometimes we need to do it all for ourselves. Recently someone who I consider to be really close to me is starting a whole new chapter of their life and I am amazed at how they are doing it. This person is very much independent to themselves and doesn't EVER ask for help from anyone. They are about to take on the biggest challenge of their life, and I'm amazed at how they are doing so far. I am their biggest fan, they know that... I can only hope when they need help or a shoulder to cry on, or a person to just vent to when it becomes too much... hopefully they know where I am, hopefully they know I'm their Mikey.
Mikey helped me deal with a lot of the pain I had these past few years...
This might be a tradition... Not sure yet, but I'm going to try and end each blog post with a song that reminds me of my current mood, or relates to the story some how...
We all have troubles in life, we all have problems we are dealing with.. We all wish we could just wash them all away, but they make us who we are. This song "Wash Away" by Joe Purdy is just a feel good song. and I heard it today while at work and it kind of just stuck with me.
:) we should have gone to Miami :)
ReplyDeleteyou guys mean a lot to me, thx