We've had our laughs
We've had our tears
We've had our ups
We've had our downs.
We've had our smiles.
We've had our frowns.
We've had our love.
We've had our fears.
We have our family.
We have our faith.
We have your guidance.
We have your strength.
We have your love.
You taught us right from wrong.
You taught us words to our favorite song.
You made me smile when no one else would.
You made me dinner, like no one else could.
An angel you've become.
A memory you'll always be.
A blessing in my daily prayer.
I know you're watching from up there.
If losing someone close to me has taught me anything it's to learn how to forgive. Both my dad and my grandmother were very forgiving people. Yesterday on the anniversary of my fathers passing I stopped by the cemetery to pay him a little visit, sit and talk with him.. share my thoughts and feelings about what's going on in my life lately. As i wrapped things up with my father I headed home to emotionally prepare myself for another loss.
Today while at breakfast catching up with one of my dearest friends I got the phone call informing me that my grandmother had past. Emotionally I was okay. I knew she was in a better place. If my grandmother taught me anything it was to enjoy the simple things in life. As a child I remember painting over my grandmothers house. I remember grabbing a bucket of water and a paintbrush.. heading outside and splashing the water over the concrete wall and "painting". Using my imagination to make the pictures I was painting come alive. I remember cleaning out her cupboards and using every grocery I could find to play supermarket with my sisters and cousins. I remember there not being any toys, games, etc at her house.. but yet.. it's where we had the most fun as children. She taught me to use my imagination and to look beyond what was already there. She inspired me to CREATE and to BELIEVE. My creativity and beliefs are two things I hold dear to me. always. I thank my grandmother for instilling this creativity in me at such a young and impressionable age.
She showed us grandchildren that life can't be all that bad.
She showed us there is light at the end of every tunnel.
She was strong when everyone else was weak.
She had faith in her children, grandchildren and in others.
Her smile made others happy.
Her laughter could cure any bad mood.
She truly was an amazing individual and I know she is not gone forever, I know she's in a better place. When I look up in the sky at night... I know she is watching over me just like my dad and my aunt and all those who have gone before her. She said her goodbyes. She held on and fought a good fight. She lived a long, strong, happy and healthy life... But god needed her.. and off she went.
It's never goodbye, it's see you soon. Until we meet again, I know you're up there shining down on me and our family.
<3
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Life Support.
There are times in life when the people around us, our friends, family and coworkers become the life support in which we rely on to live. I remember back when I was a senior in high school and losing my father was one of the most difficult things that I ever had to deal with and at times felt like I couldn't physically push any further, I couldn't walk another step, I couldn't eat a thing in sight, I had nothing to live for. If it wasn't for my life support I would of died at that point in my own life. Having cousins, aunts and uncles, friends, family, coworkers gather around me to check on me and make sure I was eating, make sure I was sleeping, doing everything in their power to make sure I was okay, both emotionally and physically helped me push through one of the darkest moments in my life.
I think back to the life support I've been for others... I've always had a particular difficult time dealing with my emotions and at times tend to lash out on the ones I love the most, just to give them a reason to be mad at me so I wouldn't feel bad if I wasn't there emotionally for them when they needed me the most. Over the years I have learned how to control my emotions, put them aside and be there for someone when they needed it the most. Something as simple as surprising someone at work with flowers after a bad break-up, buying someone a meal or a coffee and using it as an excuse to just TALK to them so they could open up to you because you could clearly see the pain behind their eyes, as they stare at you in a gaze. Something as simple as an "I love you" text message to your significant other during a particular rough time in their life. A few words of encouragement to a sibling when they needed it the most. All prime examples of how we can be the support system someone else needs.
I remember coming out to my family and how emotional that was for me. Having a boyfriend who supported my decision and to keep our relationship a secret from my family until I was ready to come out was defiantly the strongest support system for me at that time. Having friends who knew and were still there for me like they were before I came out to them. Coming out and admitting I was gay was something that I struggled with for almost 10 years. At times I just wanted to shout out "I'M GAY" the words were there, on the tip of my tongue.. they were just never spoken. I remember feeling at another one of my all time lows in life.. right before I came out. I was living a double life. I had my "straight life" which my family and coworkers knew of.. and then I had my "gay life" which involved a job at a club, my new group of gay friends, and really.. a whole new scene for me... in which I felt comfortable for the first time in my own skin. Coming out gave me the strength I needed to get off of life support and live my life strong, healthy and with a positive outlook.
We could analyze every moment in our life when we feel like others were there for us when we needed it the most, but honestly.. we are there for each other in our daily lives whether we know it or not.
In recent months someone who was always able to put a smile on my face no matter what was going on, became terminally ill.. My grandmother. She's a firecracker alright. (A portuguese firecracker that is) As I sat by her bed side today and she grabbed my hand and held it.. no words were uttered, I knew exactly what she was trying to say and how she was saying it. To see her eyes open up from a deep sleep. hold my hand, grab it and just smile.. I knew it was her way of saying goodbye. I will always remember her amazing cooking, her amazing attitude, her jokes, all the jokes she let me play on her, walking her down the aisle of my aunts wedding, spending my child hood at her house every weekend with my sisters and her letting us do what ever we wanted because we were her grandchildren. The list of memories goes ON and ON and ON. No one will or can make kale soup quite like her. She's the only one who can give Venus De Milo a run for their money and their coveted soup, and Don't even get me started on her meat and potatoes and homemade bread.
As I sat there I learned, well I should say came to realization with.. I am TOTALLY a product of my grandmother... there are two things she loves and craves more than anything else. McDonalds cheeseburgers and Dunkin Donuts coffee. Like grandmother like grandson. :)
As the sand falls in the hourglass of her life... and these months turned to weeks, and now what could be days... I was left with one final memory of my grandmother. As I sat there this evening holding her hand she kept saying "did you drink my coffee?" and I would simply respond "No Vavo.. it's still here" she would just smile and say "Oh you can have it". Minutes later she would ask again with a little smirk on her face.. "did you drink my coffee yet? it's there for you." I'd respond "Ok vavo, I drank it" she just turned and looked at me with a face of "GOOD" But knowing my grandmother... I know her to well.. she kept asking me if I drank the coffee because she wanted coffee but didn't want anyone to go through the trouble of making it for her.. So we asked her "since I drank the coffee, do you want me to make some more for you?" her smile is all I needed. As I got up to get her coffee I realized we both like it the same way. Dark. A little milk. and LOTS of sugar. Even as she sipped her coffee as I held the cup out for her she would turn and say "did you even put sugar in this?" :)
From now on.. every time I get a coffee Dark, with milk and extra sugar.. my vavo will ALWAYS be the first thing that comes to mind... and this is exactly how I want to end things with her, on a positive note, with a positive memory. That was our way of saying goodbye. We're two stubborn portuguese ladies who will ALWAYS get our way. ;)
As I walk down that aisle of the church, whenever it may be.. carrying her in that casket.. I will celebrate the amazing life she had, and all the amazing memories she gave me. I love you Vavo <3
I think back to the life support I've been for others... I've always had a particular difficult time dealing with my emotions and at times tend to lash out on the ones I love the most, just to give them a reason to be mad at me so I wouldn't feel bad if I wasn't there emotionally for them when they needed me the most. Over the years I have learned how to control my emotions, put them aside and be there for someone when they needed it the most. Something as simple as surprising someone at work with flowers after a bad break-up, buying someone a meal or a coffee and using it as an excuse to just TALK to them so they could open up to you because you could clearly see the pain behind their eyes, as they stare at you in a gaze. Something as simple as an "I love you" text message to your significant other during a particular rough time in their life. A few words of encouragement to a sibling when they needed it the most. All prime examples of how we can be the support system someone else needs.
I remember coming out to my family and how emotional that was for me. Having a boyfriend who supported my decision and to keep our relationship a secret from my family until I was ready to come out was defiantly the strongest support system for me at that time. Having friends who knew and were still there for me like they were before I came out to them. Coming out and admitting I was gay was something that I struggled with for almost 10 years. At times I just wanted to shout out "I'M GAY" the words were there, on the tip of my tongue.. they were just never spoken. I remember feeling at another one of my all time lows in life.. right before I came out. I was living a double life. I had my "straight life" which my family and coworkers knew of.. and then I had my "gay life" which involved a job at a club, my new group of gay friends, and really.. a whole new scene for me... in which I felt comfortable for the first time in my own skin. Coming out gave me the strength I needed to get off of life support and live my life strong, healthy and with a positive outlook.
We could analyze every moment in our life when we feel like others were there for us when we needed it the most, but honestly.. we are there for each other in our daily lives whether we know it or not.
In recent months someone who was always able to put a smile on my face no matter what was going on, became terminally ill.. My grandmother. She's a firecracker alright. (A portuguese firecracker that is) As I sat by her bed side today and she grabbed my hand and held it.. no words were uttered, I knew exactly what she was trying to say and how she was saying it. To see her eyes open up from a deep sleep. hold my hand, grab it and just smile.. I knew it was her way of saying goodbye. I will always remember her amazing cooking, her amazing attitude, her jokes, all the jokes she let me play on her, walking her down the aisle of my aunts wedding, spending my child hood at her house every weekend with my sisters and her letting us do what ever we wanted because we were her grandchildren. The list of memories goes ON and ON and ON. No one will or can make kale soup quite like her. She's the only one who can give Venus De Milo a run for their money and their coveted soup, and Don't even get me started on her meat and potatoes and homemade bread.
As I sat there I learned, well I should say came to realization with.. I am TOTALLY a product of my grandmother... there are two things she loves and craves more than anything else. McDonalds cheeseburgers and Dunkin Donuts coffee. Like grandmother like grandson. :)
As the sand falls in the hourglass of her life... and these months turned to weeks, and now what could be days... I was left with one final memory of my grandmother. As I sat there this evening holding her hand she kept saying "did you drink my coffee?" and I would simply respond "No Vavo.. it's still here" she would just smile and say "Oh you can have it". Minutes later she would ask again with a little smirk on her face.. "did you drink my coffee yet? it's there for you." I'd respond "Ok vavo, I drank it" she just turned and looked at me with a face of "GOOD" But knowing my grandmother... I know her to well.. she kept asking me if I drank the coffee because she wanted coffee but didn't want anyone to go through the trouble of making it for her.. So we asked her "since I drank the coffee, do you want me to make some more for you?" her smile is all I needed. As I got up to get her coffee I realized we both like it the same way. Dark. A little milk. and LOTS of sugar. Even as she sipped her coffee as I held the cup out for her she would turn and say "did you even put sugar in this?" :)
From now on.. every time I get a coffee Dark, with milk and extra sugar.. my vavo will ALWAYS be the first thing that comes to mind... and this is exactly how I want to end things with her, on a positive note, with a positive memory. That was our way of saying goodbye. We're two stubborn portuguese ladies who will ALWAYS get our way. ;)
As I walk down that aisle of the church, whenever it may be.. carrying her in that casket.. I will celebrate the amazing life she had, and all the amazing memories she gave me. I love you Vavo <3
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Deep Breaths...
When life seems to get harder and harder with every waking moment...
When your work load seems to get heavier and heavier by the minute...
When you feel you've reached the point of no return...
When you want to cry because you've done all that you can...
When the years turn to days and the days turn to hours and minutes...
When night becomes day again...
When something you love leaves and never comes back...
When death claims the life of someone you love...
When someone else takes from you what was yours...
When you let go hoping someone will catch you...
When THE END is really THE END...
When pictures begin to fade...
When happiness turns to sadness...
When memories turn from happiness to anger...
When life gives you all that you can take until you can't take any more, remember deep breaths.
Think about it.
The baggage we carry in our daily life can cause us to have such a negative outlook on life, but sometimes life isn't happy, and your allowed to be sad. Sometimes life isn't black and white. At one point I thought everything was as simple as yes/no. black white. I learned the hard way there are grey areas. Only once we have learned about these grey areas can we move on in life. We carry baggage around with us on a day to day basis. Baggage can be anything from our past relationships, our lives, our families, children, etc... Our emotional baggage can cause us to have such a negative view on life and hurt the ones we love the most. Spouses. Bf/Gf's. Friends. Family. Coworkers. etc. We must learn to empty our suitcases before packing for our next big trip. We must learn to forgive before we can ever love again.
Deep Breaths. I wouldn't lie to you. I'm learning to deal with this advice more so now than ever. Deep Breaths.
When your work load seems to get heavier and heavier by the minute...
When you feel you've reached the point of no return...
When you want to cry because you've done all that you can...
When the years turn to days and the days turn to hours and minutes...
When night becomes day again...
When something you love leaves and never comes back...
When death claims the life of someone you love...
When someone else takes from you what was yours...
When you let go hoping someone will catch you...
When THE END is really THE END...
When pictures begin to fade...
When happiness turns to sadness...
When memories turn from happiness to anger...
When life gives you all that you can take until you can't take any more, remember deep breaths.
Think about it.
The baggage we carry in our daily life can cause us to have such a negative outlook on life, but sometimes life isn't happy, and your allowed to be sad. Sometimes life isn't black and white. At one point I thought everything was as simple as yes/no. black white. I learned the hard way there are grey areas. Only once we have learned about these grey areas can we move on in life. We carry baggage around with us on a day to day basis. Baggage can be anything from our past relationships, our lives, our families, children, etc... Our emotional baggage can cause us to have such a negative view on life and hurt the ones we love the most. Spouses. Bf/Gf's. Friends. Family. Coworkers. etc. We must learn to empty our suitcases before packing for our next big trip. We must learn to forgive before we can ever love again.
Deep Breaths. I wouldn't lie to you. I'm learning to deal with this advice more so now than ever. Deep Breaths.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
it's time to let loose.
In a society where we fight constantly for equal opportunity rights we are constantly judged for what we do. It's just the world we live in. We are so quick to judge others for their actions, or who they are hanging out with, or how they choose to spend their lives, money, etc. Today I got to experience a part of society that brought a positive light back into this harsh world we live in.
Amanda, my sister, a sophomore in college had a dance show today at school.. and if people know one thing about me it's my support for my family, especially Amanda and her love for dance/fame. (because lets face it.. she will be famous one day) As I sat in the top row of the bleachers and waited for the lights to dim, I began flipping through the program book and looking over the numbers/performances i was about to watch. As the show started with an over the top opening number (which featured gaga, the themes from ANTM and Nip/Tuck, as well as one my personal favorite songs "fashionista") I noticed something in the program book that caught my attention "SUNDAY PERFORMANCE ONLY" I looked up from my program and saw a group of young girls take the stage... this wasn't your everyday group of young girls. These girls ranged in age from 7-10/12? they call themselves the "let loose dance trope". these kids, all special needs or friends of special needs students lined up with their Salve dance volunteers, who led them into a group number. Seeing these girls dance with special needs was something that you have to see to believe. they hold a special place in my heart. The smiles on their faces are impossible to describe. What made me so happy watching these kids perform was the salve students who put 1. not only the time to volunteer and teach these kids, but 2. The EFFORT. In a society like we have today, children with special needs are usually pushed aside and told they can't do what other kids do because of their special need. As these kids took stage and "let loose" it was amazing to see them in action.. they got so excited to be on that stage performing as if they were honorary members of the Salve dance team. As they finished their number and took their bows the crowd clapped and gave an applause like no other. Not just because they were little kids, but because of their situation, and their ability to want to be like everyone else.
In our society today we tend to treat people with special needs differently. Weather we push them aside, or treat them as if they aren't capable of completing things the way we all are. Maybe, just maybe... instead of treating them differently, maybe they just want to be treated like everyone else. These little girls warmed my heart, and brought tears to my eyes. And for good reason. Everyone around me had the same tears flowing and the same look on their face... We need to give others a chance. Just when I lose all hope in people, life, society... things like this brighten your day and remind us there are good people in this world. I applaud these kids for having the courage to DANCE like no ones watching, let go of all the stereotypes society places on them.. and just DANCE THEIR LITTLE HEARTS OUT. I applaud the parents of these children... for allowing them the opportunity to interact with others in this way. I applaud the Salve students, who after working with the let loose dance troupe last year as part of a project, decided they warmed their hearts and continued on with this tradition, and for volunteering their time with these kids... to allow someone like me, the opportunity to have my heart warmed by something so simple and innocent. I hope to see these girls performing once again at next years spring dance show.
Although you may not have been able to experience the same feeling I did today by watching these girls perform, I'm sure you can find a way to relate. How many times in life do we feel like the outcast and just want to fit in with everyone else. We've all been there. Hell.. I know as a kid I was never the most athletic, the most popular... nor was I the best looking, or best anything for that matter. I look back at my younger years and wonder WOW.. how the hell did I become the person I am today based on what I was back then. I have a childhood filled with just bad memories from middle school/elementary school, etc.. but you know what.. those are the stories I share with people now, and laugh. How could I really think my life was that bad at the age of 7-8, hell.. look what I've been through lately and I'd rather be 7-8 again when my only worries were making sure I had green socks, my homework complete, and that I went to church on sundays (oh the joys of a catholic education).
I personally thank the "Let Loose Dance Troupe" for giving me a new vision for my week. A positive outlook on people. It's time we all let loose and dance like nobody is watching.
Amanda, my sister, a sophomore in college had a dance show today at school.. and if people know one thing about me it's my support for my family, especially Amanda and her love for dance/fame. (because lets face it.. she will be famous one day) As I sat in the top row of the bleachers and waited for the lights to dim, I began flipping through the program book and looking over the numbers/performances i was about to watch. As the show started with an over the top opening number (which featured gaga, the themes from ANTM and Nip/Tuck, as well as one my personal favorite songs "fashionista") I noticed something in the program book that caught my attention "SUNDAY PERFORMANCE ONLY" I looked up from my program and saw a group of young girls take the stage... this wasn't your everyday group of young girls. These girls ranged in age from 7-10/12? they call themselves the "let loose dance trope". these kids, all special needs or friends of special needs students lined up with their Salve dance volunteers, who led them into a group number. Seeing these girls dance with special needs was something that you have to see to believe. they hold a special place in my heart. The smiles on their faces are impossible to describe. What made me so happy watching these kids perform was the salve students who put 1. not only the time to volunteer and teach these kids, but 2. The EFFORT. In a society like we have today, children with special needs are usually pushed aside and told they can't do what other kids do because of their special need. As these kids took stage and "let loose" it was amazing to see them in action.. they got so excited to be on that stage performing as if they were honorary members of the Salve dance team. As they finished their number and took their bows the crowd clapped and gave an applause like no other. Not just because they were little kids, but because of their situation, and their ability to want to be like everyone else.
In our society today we tend to treat people with special needs differently. Weather we push them aside, or treat them as if they aren't capable of completing things the way we all are. Maybe, just maybe... instead of treating them differently, maybe they just want to be treated like everyone else. These little girls warmed my heart, and brought tears to my eyes. And for good reason. Everyone around me had the same tears flowing and the same look on their face... We need to give others a chance. Just when I lose all hope in people, life, society... things like this brighten your day and remind us there are good people in this world. I applaud these kids for having the courage to DANCE like no ones watching, let go of all the stereotypes society places on them.. and just DANCE THEIR LITTLE HEARTS OUT. I applaud the parents of these children... for allowing them the opportunity to interact with others in this way. I applaud the Salve students, who after working with the let loose dance troupe last year as part of a project, decided they warmed their hearts and continued on with this tradition, and for volunteering their time with these kids... to allow someone like me, the opportunity to have my heart warmed by something so simple and innocent. I hope to see these girls performing once again at next years spring dance show.
Although you may not have been able to experience the same feeling I did today by watching these girls perform, I'm sure you can find a way to relate. How many times in life do we feel like the outcast and just want to fit in with everyone else. We've all been there. Hell.. I know as a kid I was never the most athletic, the most popular... nor was I the best looking, or best anything for that matter. I look back at my younger years and wonder WOW.. how the hell did I become the person I am today based on what I was back then. I have a childhood filled with just bad memories from middle school/elementary school, etc.. but you know what.. those are the stories I share with people now, and laugh. How could I really think my life was that bad at the age of 7-8, hell.. look what I've been through lately and I'd rather be 7-8 again when my only worries were making sure I had green socks, my homework complete, and that I went to church on sundays (oh the joys of a catholic education).
I personally thank the "Let Loose Dance Troupe" for giving me a new vision for my week. A positive outlook on people. It's time we all let loose and dance like nobody is watching.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Start with yourself...
I wrote this blog last week.. but waited to share it, not sure why I didn't post it then, not sure why I'm posting it now, just.. I am.
I have this problem, well.. some would say it shows the true colors of my personality, but I look at it as a problem. I always have this feeling of need. Not that I always need someone or something, but that I want to be needed. It's part of who I am. Making others happy, seeing others smile, helping you solve your problems, hearing that deep belly laugh come out of someone because of something I said or did, and made them smile for the first time in days.. makes me smile. I love to care for people. But in return, I don't think it's too much to show that you care for them as well, or extend a simple "hey.. thanks for tonight.. it was great.. I really needed this"
As days go by, you learn the people who you have helped who simply used you for that.. your help, or the people in your life who are eternal grateful for your help, and want to repay you in every-way possible, but simply all you want is a thank you. There will always be the people in your life that no matter what will treat you like shit, because they know... no matter what... you will be there to lend a helping hand, or ALWAYS be there for that shoulder to cry on, that hand to hold, that voice of reason. Even after they did every last possible thing to hurt you, you are still there. It could be a best friend, an ex lover, a teacher or even a member of your own family. The same way these people may never say thank you, or even understand the amount of effort you just put forth for them, we also never say "hey... it's not that hard to say thanks.. yea I did it because I wanted to.. but just to let you know.. it hurts when you do this to me". The same way people take these small tasks for granted, maybe we should take their friendship for granted. Is it worth it?
You can't change the world. You can't change each other. All you can do is change yourself. I found this story the other day and thought I'd share it. It's about starting with yourself to see a change in the world:
When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But, it too, seemed immovable. As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world.
So I'm doing just that. After a very depressing end to 2009, I wasn't sure if I even knew who I was... I entered into a spiral of depression, started to drink more.. for the shear fact that hey.. i had no one to please... I contemplated smoking... (which if you know me Is a BIG DEAL) I went as far as buying a pack of cigarettes... unwrapping them.. taking one out.. and well.. there was no lighter in the car, you would think dating a smoker, or visiting the cemetery often to see my dad and light a candle I'd have a lighter or match handy. negative. That pack of cigarettes ended up being thrown away which I know a handful of people who would of fought over a free pack of marlboros. ;) Back on track... around october of 2009 I filled out all the necessary paperwork to volunteer myself as a "Big Brother/ Big Sister" which in my opinion is one of the greatest organizations around for young children. As I went to go mail my application in... I thought about why i was doing this. I was having a really rough day.. it so happened to be the anniversary of my dads death that day as well. but someone came through for me on that day. I ended up getting a text message that day telling me that they were thinking about me today, and my dad would be proud of the person I am. I broke down. I wasn't ready to move on and help someone else in need. You must better yourself, before you can better the lives of someone else. That application stayed on my desk.. for a solid month before I did anything with it. I threw it away. I wasn't ready.
But the point is.. do something to change yourself. Do something to better the lives of others. Make a difference in someone's life. One of my favorite in-class exercises that I remember doing was a "30 second quiz" these 30 second quizzes are usually the ones teachers will pop on you in an ethics, leadership or sociology class. For example.. when teachers give you a final exam they say "there is only one question on this test, this will either pass or fail you for the semester" ... you get the test and the question is "What is the name of the cleaning lady in your dorm?" How many people know the cleaning lady of their dorm? or the guy who comes in and cleans your office after you leave? Not many of us. I found online the actual quiz I remember taking:
Try taking it yourself.. don't bother getting a paper/pencil. If you cant answer it MOVE ON!
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last five Academy Award winners for Best Actor and Actress.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remembers the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They're the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Now here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. Name three teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worth while.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier? The lesson? The people who make a difference in your life aren't the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They're the ones who care.
So although I may not have the most credentials, the most money, the most awards... I Care. I will always care. I'm here when you need me, but remember... Your also THERE when I need YOU. I know the people for my answers. And I'm not afraid to tell them who they are. Are you afraid to tell the people who you just answered to the last 5 questions that they helped shaped your life? Maybe you helped shape their life too!
Now that I feel like I'm back on the right track.. it's time to help someone else. That application I spoke of earlier for Big Brother/ Big Sister? It's all filled out, and ready to be mailed. I'm ready to make a difference in the lives of someone else. I'm ready to make someone feel special. I'm ready to help someone through a difficult time. I'm ready, because like I said.. it starts with yourself.
I have this problem, well.. some would say it shows the true colors of my personality, but I look at it as a problem. I always have this feeling of need. Not that I always need someone or something, but that I want to be needed. It's part of who I am. Making others happy, seeing others smile, helping you solve your problems, hearing that deep belly laugh come out of someone because of something I said or did, and made them smile for the first time in days.. makes me smile. I love to care for people. But in return, I don't think it's too much to show that you care for them as well, or extend a simple "hey.. thanks for tonight.. it was great.. I really needed this"
As days go by, you learn the people who you have helped who simply used you for that.. your help, or the people in your life who are eternal grateful for your help, and want to repay you in every-way possible, but simply all you want is a thank you. There will always be the people in your life that no matter what will treat you like shit, because they know... no matter what... you will be there to lend a helping hand, or ALWAYS be there for that shoulder to cry on, that hand to hold, that voice of reason. Even after they did every last possible thing to hurt you, you are still there. It could be a best friend, an ex lover, a teacher or even a member of your own family. The same way these people may never say thank you, or even understand the amount of effort you just put forth for them, we also never say "hey... it's not that hard to say thanks.. yea I did it because I wanted to.. but just to let you know.. it hurts when you do this to me". The same way people take these small tasks for granted, maybe we should take their friendship for granted. Is it worth it?
You can't change the world. You can't change each other. All you can do is change yourself. I found this story the other day and thought I'd share it. It's about starting with yourself to see a change in the world:
When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But, it too, seemed immovable. As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world.
So I'm doing just that. After a very depressing end to 2009, I wasn't sure if I even knew who I was... I entered into a spiral of depression, started to drink more.. for the shear fact that hey.. i had no one to please... I contemplated smoking... (which if you know me Is a BIG DEAL) I went as far as buying a pack of cigarettes... unwrapping them.. taking one out.. and well.. there was no lighter in the car, you would think dating a smoker, or visiting the cemetery often to see my dad and light a candle I'd have a lighter or match handy. negative. That pack of cigarettes ended up being thrown away which I know a handful of people who would of fought over a free pack of marlboros. ;) Back on track... around october of 2009 I filled out all the necessary paperwork to volunteer myself as a "Big Brother/ Big Sister" which in my opinion is one of the greatest organizations around for young children. As I went to go mail my application in... I thought about why i was doing this. I was having a really rough day.. it so happened to be the anniversary of my dads death that day as well. but someone came through for me on that day. I ended up getting a text message that day telling me that they were thinking about me today, and my dad would be proud of the person I am. I broke down. I wasn't ready to move on and help someone else in need. You must better yourself, before you can better the lives of someone else. That application stayed on my desk.. for a solid month before I did anything with it. I threw it away. I wasn't ready.
But the point is.. do something to change yourself. Do something to better the lives of others. Make a difference in someone's life. One of my favorite in-class exercises that I remember doing was a "30 second quiz" these 30 second quizzes are usually the ones teachers will pop on you in an ethics, leadership or sociology class. For example.. when teachers give you a final exam they say "there is only one question on this test, this will either pass or fail you for the semester" ... you get the test and the question is "What is the name of the cleaning lady in your dorm?" How many people know the cleaning lady of their dorm? or the guy who comes in and cleans your office after you leave? Not many of us. I found online the actual quiz I remember taking:
Try taking it yourself.. don't bother getting a paper/pencil. If you cant answer it MOVE ON!
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last five Academy Award winners for Best Actor and Actress.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remembers the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They're the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Now here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. Name three teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worth while.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier? The lesson? The people who make a difference in your life aren't the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They're the ones who care.
So although I may not have the most credentials, the most money, the most awards... I Care. I will always care. I'm here when you need me, but remember... Your also THERE when I need YOU. I know the people for my answers. And I'm not afraid to tell them who they are. Are you afraid to tell the people who you just answered to the last 5 questions that they helped shaped your life? Maybe you helped shape their life too!
Now that I feel like I'm back on the right track.. it's time to help someone else. That application I spoke of earlier for Big Brother/ Big Sister? It's all filled out, and ready to be mailed. I'm ready to make a difference in the lives of someone else. I'm ready to make someone feel special. I'm ready to help someone through a difficult time. I'm ready, because like I said.. it starts with yourself.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
beneath the surface.
Sometimes in life it is easier to convince ourselves that we know exactly what we want to happen. We wake up and say TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY, or even do the complete opposite. We wake up and think TODAY IS GOING TO BE A BAD DAY. When in actuality we don't know what the day is going to bring us. Lately I've been doing a lot of self exploration and doing what I feel like in my heart is RIGHT. Not that I'm going through life thinking "FUCK YOU.. what i think is the way things should go" I'm just doing what I feel like in my heart is right, for me, right now.
We all have different aspects of our lives that we use to channel our emotions, some use the arts to express themselves, others turn to friends and family.. and some turn to a world of drugs and alcohol. I like to think of myself as a healthy mix of all 3. I tend to turn to my family and friends that are closest to me when I need someone to talk to, but lately... I've been dealing with things on a more spiritual deeper level. (with a little arts and booze mixed in) There are just some things that no matter how hard I try to share with someone.. I just don't think they will understand, because they are not me. I do believe in life there are just some things that you need to figure out at your own pace, your own way, on your own time. I just didn't think life in general would be one of those things.
My life to me is precious. My time and how I spend it is of great value and importance to me. I like my life for the most part, and if I make a mistake along the way, so be it. We have all made those mistakes. Actually, one of the things I think is strange is how quickly people are to judge others for the same mistakes they have made in the past. A great example is the gay scene in general. People are so quick to jump down your throat and call you a whore, a slut, a drunk/druggie, etc... But when they look at their lives... they too have made the same mistakes, they too have spent countless nights at the SAME bars, with the same crowds of people, looking for the SAME THING. But they would never consider themselves to be an alcoholic or a bar fly. So why are you so quick to judge me? We tend to judge our own lives on what we think we are capable of doing, while others are so quick to judge us based on what we have already done. Some people are able to see past the rough exterior walls that we put up. I can't begin to express the amount of times while at a bar I am approached by people saying they have read my blog, or have talked to me previous and that I stand out from the rest, I'm different. And I'll take it. No one ever said being different is a bad thing, but when your different people tend to notice... for all the right, and for all the wrong reasons. you become the center of attention, even if you don't want to... it just happens.
2009 was a rough year relationship wise.. not just romantically, I'm talking on a deeper level. Relationships with friends, family, myself, my ex, my life, my future, etc. I slowly grew tired of hearing people telling me the same thing over and over... I grew tired of people telling me the past is in the past, you need to let go. I know it's called the past for a reason, and we use the past to grow and to build. To use the past as a foundation for a stronger future.. but some aspects of the past, no matter how long ago, still hurt. They are still constant reminders about a part of our life. So when I turn to others for advice or help, thinking they may have gone through the same situations that I have... and I end up getting irritated by their response because it's not exactly what I want to hear, or they just don't see with me eye to eye makes you think... everything that irritates us about others and their views can lead us to have a stronger understanding of ourselves, and who we are.
As I look at my friends, coworkers and family members... people are growing up all around me. Friends are getting married, having babies, moving out of their house for the first time, starting new careers.. and it makes me work that much harder everyday to figure out what exactly I want out of life. I could write paragraphs about my ideal life, my ideal partner, my ideal lifestyle and dream job... but not of that would matter. None of that is real. In a moments notice it can all change. Seeing people follow their dreams and strive to make themselves a better person makes me look at myself in the mirror and think exactly what I want. The other day.. getting out of the shower I stared into the mirror and looked back at myself and saw the person who was standing there through the fogged up glass... WHO IS JOSHUA NARCISO? As the steam/condensation of the mirror cleared and I saw exactly who was standing there, I began to cry. I didn't know what I wanted.. I didn't know who I was. Sure I know things in life that make me happy, and people in life I want to be around.. but that wasn't enough. I needed more. The fact of the matter is, there is never enough. NO ONE, can ever look into a mirror and face their true, raw emotions and say I am completely happy. There is always something that could use improvement... no one is perfect.
So before you are quick to judge someone else, before you are quick to ignore someone, before you are quick to write someone off.. give them a chance. They may not be the person that is perfect for you right now... But that doesn't mean you aren't the person that is perfect for them, at that moment in time. If you are too busy judging others, that leaves you no time to love others. And I do believe without love... this world would come to a screeching halt.
I'm not sure how to end this.. but I just want to be clear.. before you are quick to judge me.. take a look at yourself.. you too were once in my shoes, you too were once in this situation.. and if you haven't been.. you will be soon. And when you are.. instead of telling you what you should do, or what the right answer is.. I'll be there to listen, I'll be there as a friend, a shoulder to cry on, the hug you need, the smile to get your day going... I can tell you right now.. the thing I will not be.. is yet another asshole, judging you for the mistakes you think you have made. There truly are no mistakes. Just things we wanted at that moment in time, that turned out in the end upsetting and hurting us rather than making us smile.
We all have different aspects of our lives that we use to channel our emotions, some use the arts to express themselves, others turn to friends and family.. and some turn to a world of drugs and alcohol. I like to think of myself as a healthy mix of all 3. I tend to turn to my family and friends that are closest to me when I need someone to talk to, but lately... I've been dealing with things on a more spiritual deeper level. (with a little arts and booze mixed in) There are just some things that no matter how hard I try to share with someone.. I just don't think they will understand, because they are not me. I do believe in life there are just some things that you need to figure out at your own pace, your own way, on your own time. I just didn't think life in general would be one of those things.
My life to me is precious. My time and how I spend it is of great value and importance to me. I like my life for the most part, and if I make a mistake along the way, so be it. We have all made those mistakes. Actually, one of the things I think is strange is how quickly people are to judge others for the same mistakes they have made in the past. A great example is the gay scene in general. People are so quick to jump down your throat and call you a whore, a slut, a drunk/druggie, etc... But when they look at their lives... they too have made the same mistakes, they too have spent countless nights at the SAME bars, with the same crowds of people, looking for the SAME THING. But they would never consider themselves to be an alcoholic or a bar fly. So why are you so quick to judge me? We tend to judge our own lives on what we think we are capable of doing, while others are so quick to judge us based on what we have already done. Some people are able to see past the rough exterior walls that we put up. I can't begin to express the amount of times while at a bar I am approached by people saying they have read my blog, or have talked to me previous and that I stand out from the rest, I'm different. And I'll take it. No one ever said being different is a bad thing, but when your different people tend to notice... for all the right, and for all the wrong reasons. you become the center of attention, even if you don't want to... it just happens.
2009 was a rough year relationship wise.. not just romantically, I'm talking on a deeper level. Relationships with friends, family, myself, my ex, my life, my future, etc. I slowly grew tired of hearing people telling me the same thing over and over... I grew tired of people telling me the past is in the past, you need to let go. I know it's called the past for a reason, and we use the past to grow and to build. To use the past as a foundation for a stronger future.. but some aspects of the past, no matter how long ago, still hurt. They are still constant reminders about a part of our life. So when I turn to others for advice or help, thinking they may have gone through the same situations that I have... and I end up getting irritated by their response because it's not exactly what I want to hear, or they just don't see with me eye to eye makes you think... everything that irritates us about others and their views can lead us to have a stronger understanding of ourselves, and who we are.
As I look at my friends, coworkers and family members... people are growing up all around me. Friends are getting married, having babies, moving out of their house for the first time, starting new careers.. and it makes me work that much harder everyday to figure out what exactly I want out of life. I could write paragraphs about my ideal life, my ideal partner, my ideal lifestyle and dream job... but not of that would matter. None of that is real. In a moments notice it can all change. Seeing people follow their dreams and strive to make themselves a better person makes me look at myself in the mirror and think exactly what I want. The other day.. getting out of the shower I stared into the mirror and looked back at myself and saw the person who was standing there through the fogged up glass... WHO IS JOSHUA NARCISO? As the steam/condensation of the mirror cleared and I saw exactly who was standing there, I began to cry. I didn't know what I wanted.. I didn't know who I was. Sure I know things in life that make me happy, and people in life I want to be around.. but that wasn't enough. I needed more. The fact of the matter is, there is never enough. NO ONE, can ever look into a mirror and face their true, raw emotions and say I am completely happy. There is always something that could use improvement... no one is perfect.
So before you are quick to judge someone else, before you are quick to ignore someone, before you are quick to write someone off.. give them a chance. They may not be the person that is perfect for you right now... But that doesn't mean you aren't the person that is perfect for them, at that moment in time. If you are too busy judging others, that leaves you no time to love others. And I do believe without love... this world would come to a screeching halt.
I'm not sure how to end this.. but I just want to be clear.. before you are quick to judge me.. take a look at yourself.. you too were once in my shoes, you too were once in this situation.. and if you haven't been.. you will be soon. And when you are.. instead of telling you what you should do, or what the right answer is.. I'll be there to listen, I'll be there as a friend, a shoulder to cry on, the hug you need, the smile to get your day going... I can tell you right now.. the thing I will not be.. is yet another asshole, judging you for the mistakes you think you have made. There truly are no mistakes. Just things we wanted at that moment in time, that turned out in the end upsetting and hurting us rather than making us smile.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Happy Birthday.
6 years ago, god took away one of the greatest treasures in my life. My father. My dad was a hard worker who did everything in his power to support his family, make sure there was always food on the table, and a roof over our heads. Growing up in a strong portuguese household work ethic was always a big thing with my father. "What are you going to do with your future?" was always a common question between my father and I. We'd talk about what I thought i'd like to do, and what I may of wanted for my future. We use to joke about how one day I'd take over the family business... Which is more than unlikely... for 1. I was never a fan of physical labor (as you can see in my lack of a gym membership and my desk job) and 2. It was dirty. haha.
For anyone who doesn't know, my father ever since moving to this country when he was little always had a passion for farming. Dairy farming to be exact. He always had a small farm with a few cows, maybe a goat or two. It was a full time job in itself. He use to wake up, and be out of the house by 5:30am, every day. 7 days a week. He would stop by the farm, feed the cows, milk them, get changed and off to work he went. He worked full-time at a local greenhouse as a manager. After his 9-5 was done, he'd head back to the farm to round up the cows, milk the others, and head home. By the time I saw my dad it would be close to 7 o'clock at night. Many a nights I remember going to the farm with my mom at night to either drop off food, help feed the cows, or just spend time there as a family.
One day, my father decided he was going to turn this little farm of his into the cash-cow he's been hoping for. One day he up and left his life at the greenhouse to start his calling/passion. He began to make a full-time career out of dairy farming, and thus.. Narciso Holsteins DBA was created. My father took care of us the way he knew how, by working his ass off to make sure we never went without. We never took family vacations, we never really hung out as a family unless it was late as night, or if we went to the farm on the weekends to see him. His work week was a full 7 days a week, with 12-13 hour days.. with maybe a half hour or so in the middle of the day to swing by home for lunch.
Most of high school I felt estranged from my father. Growing up from being a boy into a man, and not really having a father figure around to help you with that was hard. But he use to try as hard, and as much as he could. He'd come home late at night and cook dinner while my mom was out working her 2nd job, and we use to bond. use to talk about my future, what I saw, what I wanted, and thats where the jokes would stem from. I was never one to really "get dirty" but as much as I would complain about going to the farm to help out, many a weekends I'd spend with my father at the farm feeding the cows, driving the tractor, milking, shoveling shit... Believe it or not.. I use to get down and dirty. I'd come home smelling like cow manure, waiting to just hop in the shower, and then pass out on the couch for hours, just like my father did.
I remember not really understanding as a kid why my father was never around, why we could never take a family vacation, I never really understood it... I just always assumed it was abnormal for families to do things like that. The times we did spend together as a family are the times that I cherish the most. Those weekends where we would all go and help out as a family, make it home just as the sun was setting, hop in the shower and then go out to eat as a family were the memories I remember, and will always cherish. As much as we use to joke about Joshua taking over the family business.. I could never. When my father passed away, his brothers and sisters did what they could to keep the farm running and operating as much as they could... before it was just time to sell it. As we sold the farm I remember thinking to myself how we let my father down, but in the end... we knew its what was best, as did he.
I may never be the man my dad once was, but I strive to continue to grow as a man, as a human, as a son, as a brother... and one thing that will always stick with me is my dads strength, determination, willingness to help others, his drive, his work ethic, and his class and morals. He was the last of a dying breed. To find workers like him in this day in age is almost impossible. To find somebody with a heart like his, and a passion for what they love to do is rare. No matter how much work it was, no matter how cold it was out, no matter how much pain he was in, or how sick he was... he worked hard. and he got the job done.
If I could just be half the man my dad once was. Then I'd be okay with that. Here's to you dad, up in heaven. May you always rest in peace and hopefully see your smiling face once again. Happy Birthday Dad. Your always in my prayers and memories, but this Wednesday January 27, 2010. I'll be celebrating the life you once led on this earth. Happy Birthday Dad.
For anyone who doesn't know, my father ever since moving to this country when he was little always had a passion for farming. Dairy farming to be exact. He always had a small farm with a few cows, maybe a goat or two. It was a full time job in itself. He use to wake up, and be out of the house by 5:30am, every day. 7 days a week. He would stop by the farm, feed the cows, milk them, get changed and off to work he went. He worked full-time at a local greenhouse as a manager. After his 9-5 was done, he'd head back to the farm to round up the cows, milk the others, and head home. By the time I saw my dad it would be close to 7 o'clock at night. Many a nights I remember going to the farm with my mom at night to either drop off food, help feed the cows, or just spend time there as a family.
One day, my father decided he was going to turn this little farm of his into the cash-cow he's been hoping for. One day he up and left his life at the greenhouse to start his calling/passion. He began to make a full-time career out of dairy farming, and thus.. Narciso Holsteins DBA was created. My father took care of us the way he knew how, by working his ass off to make sure we never went without. We never took family vacations, we never really hung out as a family unless it was late as night, or if we went to the farm on the weekends to see him. His work week was a full 7 days a week, with 12-13 hour days.. with maybe a half hour or so in the middle of the day to swing by home for lunch.
Most of high school I felt estranged from my father. Growing up from being a boy into a man, and not really having a father figure around to help you with that was hard. But he use to try as hard, and as much as he could. He'd come home late at night and cook dinner while my mom was out working her 2nd job, and we use to bond. use to talk about my future, what I saw, what I wanted, and thats where the jokes would stem from. I was never one to really "get dirty" but as much as I would complain about going to the farm to help out, many a weekends I'd spend with my father at the farm feeding the cows, driving the tractor, milking, shoveling shit... Believe it or not.. I use to get down and dirty. I'd come home smelling like cow manure, waiting to just hop in the shower, and then pass out on the couch for hours, just like my father did.
I remember not really understanding as a kid why my father was never around, why we could never take a family vacation, I never really understood it... I just always assumed it was abnormal for families to do things like that. The times we did spend together as a family are the times that I cherish the most. Those weekends where we would all go and help out as a family, make it home just as the sun was setting, hop in the shower and then go out to eat as a family were the memories I remember, and will always cherish. As much as we use to joke about Joshua taking over the family business.. I could never. When my father passed away, his brothers and sisters did what they could to keep the farm running and operating as much as they could... before it was just time to sell it. As we sold the farm I remember thinking to myself how we let my father down, but in the end... we knew its what was best, as did he.
I may never be the man my dad once was, but I strive to continue to grow as a man, as a human, as a son, as a brother... and one thing that will always stick with me is my dads strength, determination, willingness to help others, his drive, his work ethic, and his class and morals. He was the last of a dying breed. To find workers like him in this day in age is almost impossible. To find somebody with a heart like his, and a passion for what they love to do is rare. No matter how much work it was, no matter how cold it was out, no matter how much pain he was in, or how sick he was... he worked hard. and he got the job done.
If I could just be half the man my dad once was. Then I'd be okay with that. Here's to you dad, up in heaven. May you always rest in peace and hopefully see your smiling face once again. Happy Birthday Dad. Your always in my prayers and memories, but this Wednesday January 27, 2010. I'll be celebrating the life you once led on this earth. Happy Birthday Dad.
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