I wrote this blog last week.. but waited to share it, not sure why I didn't post it then, not sure why I'm posting it now, just.. I am.
I have this problem, well.. some would say it shows the true colors of my personality, but I look at it as a problem. I always have this feeling of need. Not that I always need someone or something, but that I want to be needed. It's part of who I am. Making others happy, seeing others smile, helping you solve your problems, hearing that deep belly laugh come out of someone because of something I said or did, and made them smile for the first time in days.. makes me smile. I love to care for people. But in return, I don't think it's too much to show that you care for them as well, or extend a simple "hey.. thanks for tonight.. it was great.. I really needed this"
As days go by, you learn the people who you have helped who simply used you for that.. your help, or the people in your life who are eternal grateful for your help, and want to repay you in every-way possible, but simply all you want is a thank you. There will always be the people in your life that no matter what will treat you like shit, because they know... no matter what... you will be there to lend a helping hand, or ALWAYS be there for that shoulder to cry on, that hand to hold, that voice of reason. Even after they did every last possible thing to hurt you, you are still there. It could be a best friend, an ex lover, a teacher or even a member of your own family. The same way these people may never say thank you, or even understand the amount of effort you just put forth for them, we also never say "hey... it's not that hard to say thanks.. yea I did it because I wanted to.. but just to let you know.. it hurts when you do this to me". The same way people take these small tasks for granted, maybe we should take their friendship for granted. Is it worth it?
You can't change the world. You can't change each other. All you can do is change yourself. I found this story the other day and thought I'd share it. It's about starting with yourself to see a change in the world:
When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But, it too, seemed immovable. As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world.
So I'm doing just that. After a very depressing end to 2009, I wasn't sure if I even knew who I was... I entered into a spiral of depression, started to drink more.. for the shear fact that hey.. i had no one to please... I contemplated smoking... (which if you know me Is a BIG DEAL) I went as far as buying a pack of cigarettes... unwrapping them.. taking one out.. and well.. there was no lighter in the car, you would think dating a smoker, or visiting the cemetery often to see my dad and light a candle I'd have a lighter or match handy. negative. That pack of cigarettes ended up being thrown away which I know a handful of people who would of fought over a free pack of marlboros. ;) Back on track... around october of 2009 I filled out all the necessary paperwork to volunteer myself as a "Big Brother/ Big Sister" which in my opinion is one of the greatest organizations around for young children. As I went to go mail my application in... I thought about why i was doing this. I was having a really rough day.. it so happened to be the anniversary of my dads death that day as well. but someone came through for me on that day. I ended up getting a text message that day telling me that they were thinking about me today, and my dad would be proud of the person I am. I broke down. I wasn't ready to move on and help someone else in need. You must better yourself, before you can better the lives of someone else. That application stayed on my desk.. for a solid month before I did anything with it. I threw it away. I wasn't ready.
But the point is.. do something to change yourself. Do something to better the lives of others. Make a difference in someone's life. One of my favorite in-class exercises that I remember doing was a "30 second quiz" these 30 second quizzes are usually the ones teachers will pop on you in an ethics, leadership or sociology class. For example.. when teachers give you a final exam they say "there is only one question on this test, this will either pass or fail you for the semester" ... you get the test and the question is "What is the name of the cleaning lady in your dorm?" How many people know the cleaning lady of their dorm? or the guy who comes in and cleans your office after you leave? Not many of us. I found online the actual quiz I remember taking:
Try taking it yourself.. don't bother getting a paper/pencil. If you cant answer it MOVE ON!
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last five Academy Award winners for Best Actor and Actress.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remembers the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They're the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Now here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. Name three teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worth while.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier? The lesson? The people who make a difference in your life aren't the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They're the ones who care.
So although I may not have the most credentials, the most money, the most awards... I Care. I will always care. I'm here when you need me, but remember... Your also THERE when I need YOU. I know the people for my answers. And I'm not afraid to tell them who they are. Are you afraid to tell the people who you just answered to the last 5 questions that they helped shaped your life? Maybe you helped shape their life too!
Now that I feel like I'm back on the right track.. it's time to help someone else. That application I spoke of earlier for Big Brother/ Big Sister? It's all filled out, and ready to be mailed. I'm ready to make a difference in the lives of someone else. I'm ready to make someone feel special. I'm ready to help someone through a difficult time. I'm ready, because like I said.. it starts with yourself.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
beneath the surface.
Sometimes in life it is easier to convince ourselves that we know exactly what we want to happen. We wake up and say TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY, or even do the complete opposite. We wake up and think TODAY IS GOING TO BE A BAD DAY. When in actuality we don't know what the day is going to bring us. Lately I've been doing a lot of self exploration and doing what I feel like in my heart is RIGHT. Not that I'm going through life thinking "FUCK YOU.. what i think is the way things should go" I'm just doing what I feel like in my heart is right, for me, right now.
We all have different aspects of our lives that we use to channel our emotions, some use the arts to express themselves, others turn to friends and family.. and some turn to a world of drugs and alcohol. I like to think of myself as a healthy mix of all 3. I tend to turn to my family and friends that are closest to me when I need someone to talk to, but lately... I've been dealing with things on a more spiritual deeper level. (with a little arts and booze mixed in) There are just some things that no matter how hard I try to share with someone.. I just don't think they will understand, because they are not me. I do believe in life there are just some things that you need to figure out at your own pace, your own way, on your own time. I just didn't think life in general would be one of those things.
My life to me is precious. My time and how I spend it is of great value and importance to me. I like my life for the most part, and if I make a mistake along the way, so be it. We have all made those mistakes. Actually, one of the things I think is strange is how quickly people are to judge others for the same mistakes they have made in the past. A great example is the gay scene in general. People are so quick to jump down your throat and call you a whore, a slut, a drunk/druggie, etc... But when they look at their lives... they too have made the same mistakes, they too have spent countless nights at the SAME bars, with the same crowds of people, looking for the SAME THING. But they would never consider themselves to be an alcoholic or a bar fly. So why are you so quick to judge me? We tend to judge our own lives on what we think we are capable of doing, while others are so quick to judge us based on what we have already done. Some people are able to see past the rough exterior walls that we put up. I can't begin to express the amount of times while at a bar I am approached by people saying they have read my blog, or have talked to me previous and that I stand out from the rest, I'm different. And I'll take it. No one ever said being different is a bad thing, but when your different people tend to notice... for all the right, and for all the wrong reasons. you become the center of attention, even if you don't want to... it just happens.
2009 was a rough year relationship wise.. not just romantically, I'm talking on a deeper level. Relationships with friends, family, myself, my ex, my life, my future, etc. I slowly grew tired of hearing people telling me the same thing over and over... I grew tired of people telling me the past is in the past, you need to let go. I know it's called the past for a reason, and we use the past to grow and to build. To use the past as a foundation for a stronger future.. but some aspects of the past, no matter how long ago, still hurt. They are still constant reminders about a part of our life. So when I turn to others for advice or help, thinking they may have gone through the same situations that I have... and I end up getting irritated by their response because it's not exactly what I want to hear, or they just don't see with me eye to eye makes you think... everything that irritates us about others and their views can lead us to have a stronger understanding of ourselves, and who we are.
As I look at my friends, coworkers and family members... people are growing up all around me. Friends are getting married, having babies, moving out of their house for the first time, starting new careers.. and it makes me work that much harder everyday to figure out what exactly I want out of life. I could write paragraphs about my ideal life, my ideal partner, my ideal lifestyle and dream job... but not of that would matter. None of that is real. In a moments notice it can all change. Seeing people follow their dreams and strive to make themselves a better person makes me look at myself in the mirror and think exactly what I want. The other day.. getting out of the shower I stared into the mirror and looked back at myself and saw the person who was standing there through the fogged up glass... WHO IS JOSHUA NARCISO? As the steam/condensation of the mirror cleared and I saw exactly who was standing there, I began to cry. I didn't know what I wanted.. I didn't know who I was. Sure I know things in life that make me happy, and people in life I want to be around.. but that wasn't enough. I needed more. The fact of the matter is, there is never enough. NO ONE, can ever look into a mirror and face their true, raw emotions and say I am completely happy. There is always something that could use improvement... no one is perfect.
So before you are quick to judge someone else, before you are quick to ignore someone, before you are quick to write someone off.. give them a chance. They may not be the person that is perfect for you right now... But that doesn't mean you aren't the person that is perfect for them, at that moment in time. If you are too busy judging others, that leaves you no time to love others. And I do believe without love... this world would come to a screeching halt.
I'm not sure how to end this.. but I just want to be clear.. before you are quick to judge me.. take a look at yourself.. you too were once in my shoes, you too were once in this situation.. and if you haven't been.. you will be soon. And when you are.. instead of telling you what you should do, or what the right answer is.. I'll be there to listen, I'll be there as a friend, a shoulder to cry on, the hug you need, the smile to get your day going... I can tell you right now.. the thing I will not be.. is yet another asshole, judging you for the mistakes you think you have made. There truly are no mistakes. Just things we wanted at that moment in time, that turned out in the end upsetting and hurting us rather than making us smile.
We all have different aspects of our lives that we use to channel our emotions, some use the arts to express themselves, others turn to friends and family.. and some turn to a world of drugs and alcohol. I like to think of myself as a healthy mix of all 3. I tend to turn to my family and friends that are closest to me when I need someone to talk to, but lately... I've been dealing with things on a more spiritual deeper level. (with a little arts and booze mixed in) There are just some things that no matter how hard I try to share with someone.. I just don't think they will understand, because they are not me. I do believe in life there are just some things that you need to figure out at your own pace, your own way, on your own time. I just didn't think life in general would be one of those things.
My life to me is precious. My time and how I spend it is of great value and importance to me. I like my life for the most part, and if I make a mistake along the way, so be it. We have all made those mistakes. Actually, one of the things I think is strange is how quickly people are to judge others for the same mistakes they have made in the past. A great example is the gay scene in general. People are so quick to jump down your throat and call you a whore, a slut, a drunk/druggie, etc... But when they look at their lives... they too have made the same mistakes, they too have spent countless nights at the SAME bars, with the same crowds of people, looking for the SAME THING. But they would never consider themselves to be an alcoholic or a bar fly. So why are you so quick to judge me? We tend to judge our own lives on what we think we are capable of doing, while others are so quick to judge us based on what we have already done. Some people are able to see past the rough exterior walls that we put up. I can't begin to express the amount of times while at a bar I am approached by people saying they have read my blog, or have talked to me previous and that I stand out from the rest, I'm different. And I'll take it. No one ever said being different is a bad thing, but when your different people tend to notice... for all the right, and for all the wrong reasons. you become the center of attention, even if you don't want to... it just happens.
2009 was a rough year relationship wise.. not just romantically, I'm talking on a deeper level. Relationships with friends, family, myself, my ex, my life, my future, etc. I slowly grew tired of hearing people telling me the same thing over and over... I grew tired of people telling me the past is in the past, you need to let go. I know it's called the past for a reason, and we use the past to grow and to build. To use the past as a foundation for a stronger future.. but some aspects of the past, no matter how long ago, still hurt. They are still constant reminders about a part of our life. So when I turn to others for advice or help, thinking they may have gone through the same situations that I have... and I end up getting irritated by their response because it's not exactly what I want to hear, or they just don't see with me eye to eye makes you think... everything that irritates us about others and their views can lead us to have a stronger understanding of ourselves, and who we are.
As I look at my friends, coworkers and family members... people are growing up all around me. Friends are getting married, having babies, moving out of their house for the first time, starting new careers.. and it makes me work that much harder everyday to figure out what exactly I want out of life. I could write paragraphs about my ideal life, my ideal partner, my ideal lifestyle and dream job... but not of that would matter. None of that is real. In a moments notice it can all change. Seeing people follow their dreams and strive to make themselves a better person makes me look at myself in the mirror and think exactly what I want. The other day.. getting out of the shower I stared into the mirror and looked back at myself and saw the person who was standing there through the fogged up glass... WHO IS JOSHUA NARCISO? As the steam/condensation of the mirror cleared and I saw exactly who was standing there, I began to cry. I didn't know what I wanted.. I didn't know who I was. Sure I know things in life that make me happy, and people in life I want to be around.. but that wasn't enough. I needed more. The fact of the matter is, there is never enough. NO ONE, can ever look into a mirror and face their true, raw emotions and say I am completely happy. There is always something that could use improvement... no one is perfect.
So before you are quick to judge someone else, before you are quick to ignore someone, before you are quick to write someone off.. give them a chance. They may not be the person that is perfect for you right now... But that doesn't mean you aren't the person that is perfect for them, at that moment in time. If you are too busy judging others, that leaves you no time to love others. And I do believe without love... this world would come to a screeching halt.
I'm not sure how to end this.. but I just want to be clear.. before you are quick to judge me.. take a look at yourself.. you too were once in my shoes, you too were once in this situation.. and if you haven't been.. you will be soon. And when you are.. instead of telling you what you should do, or what the right answer is.. I'll be there to listen, I'll be there as a friend, a shoulder to cry on, the hug you need, the smile to get your day going... I can tell you right now.. the thing I will not be.. is yet another asshole, judging you for the mistakes you think you have made. There truly are no mistakes. Just things we wanted at that moment in time, that turned out in the end upsetting and hurting us rather than making us smile.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Happy Birthday.
6 years ago, god took away one of the greatest treasures in my life. My father. My dad was a hard worker who did everything in his power to support his family, make sure there was always food on the table, and a roof over our heads. Growing up in a strong portuguese household work ethic was always a big thing with my father. "What are you going to do with your future?" was always a common question between my father and I. We'd talk about what I thought i'd like to do, and what I may of wanted for my future. We use to joke about how one day I'd take over the family business... Which is more than unlikely... for 1. I was never a fan of physical labor (as you can see in my lack of a gym membership and my desk job) and 2. It was dirty. haha.
For anyone who doesn't know, my father ever since moving to this country when he was little always had a passion for farming. Dairy farming to be exact. He always had a small farm with a few cows, maybe a goat or two. It was a full time job in itself. He use to wake up, and be out of the house by 5:30am, every day. 7 days a week. He would stop by the farm, feed the cows, milk them, get changed and off to work he went. He worked full-time at a local greenhouse as a manager. After his 9-5 was done, he'd head back to the farm to round up the cows, milk the others, and head home. By the time I saw my dad it would be close to 7 o'clock at night. Many a nights I remember going to the farm with my mom at night to either drop off food, help feed the cows, or just spend time there as a family.
One day, my father decided he was going to turn this little farm of his into the cash-cow he's been hoping for. One day he up and left his life at the greenhouse to start his calling/passion. He began to make a full-time career out of dairy farming, and thus.. Narciso Holsteins DBA was created. My father took care of us the way he knew how, by working his ass off to make sure we never went without. We never took family vacations, we never really hung out as a family unless it was late as night, or if we went to the farm on the weekends to see him. His work week was a full 7 days a week, with 12-13 hour days.. with maybe a half hour or so in the middle of the day to swing by home for lunch.
Most of high school I felt estranged from my father. Growing up from being a boy into a man, and not really having a father figure around to help you with that was hard. But he use to try as hard, and as much as he could. He'd come home late at night and cook dinner while my mom was out working her 2nd job, and we use to bond. use to talk about my future, what I saw, what I wanted, and thats where the jokes would stem from. I was never one to really "get dirty" but as much as I would complain about going to the farm to help out, many a weekends I'd spend with my father at the farm feeding the cows, driving the tractor, milking, shoveling shit... Believe it or not.. I use to get down and dirty. I'd come home smelling like cow manure, waiting to just hop in the shower, and then pass out on the couch for hours, just like my father did.
I remember not really understanding as a kid why my father was never around, why we could never take a family vacation, I never really understood it... I just always assumed it was abnormal for families to do things like that. The times we did spend together as a family are the times that I cherish the most. Those weekends where we would all go and help out as a family, make it home just as the sun was setting, hop in the shower and then go out to eat as a family were the memories I remember, and will always cherish. As much as we use to joke about Joshua taking over the family business.. I could never. When my father passed away, his brothers and sisters did what they could to keep the farm running and operating as much as they could... before it was just time to sell it. As we sold the farm I remember thinking to myself how we let my father down, but in the end... we knew its what was best, as did he.
I may never be the man my dad once was, but I strive to continue to grow as a man, as a human, as a son, as a brother... and one thing that will always stick with me is my dads strength, determination, willingness to help others, his drive, his work ethic, and his class and morals. He was the last of a dying breed. To find workers like him in this day in age is almost impossible. To find somebody with a heart like his, and a passion for what they love to do is rare. No matter how much work it was, no matter how cold it was out, no matter how much pain he was in, or how sick he was... he worked hard. and he got the job done.
If I could just be half the man my dad once was. Then I'd be okay with that. Here's to you dad, up in heaven. May you always rest in peace and hopefully see your smiling face once again. Happy Birthday Dad. Your always in my prayers and memories, but this Wednesday January 27, 2010. I'll be celebrating the life you once led on this earth. Happy Birthday Dad.
For anyone who doesn't know, my father ever since moving to this country when he was little always had a passion for farming. Dairy farming to be exact. He always had a small farm with a few cows, maybe a goat or two. It was a full time job in itself. He use to wake up, and be out of the house by 5:30am, every day. 7 days a week. He would stop by the farm, feed the cows, milk them, get changed and off to work he went. He worked full-time at a local greenhouse as a manager. After his 9-5 was done, he'd head back to the farm to round up the cows, milk the others, and head home. By the time I saw my dad it would be close to 7 o'clock at night. Many a nights I remember going to the farm with my mom at night to either drop off food, help feed the cows, or just spend time there as a family.
One day, my father decided he was going to turn this little farm of his into the cash-cow he's been hoping for. One day he up and left his life at the greenhouse to start his calling/passion. He began to make a full-time career out of dairy farming, and thus.. Narciso Holsteins DBA was created. My father took care of us the way he knew how, by working his ass off to make sure we never went without. We never took family vacations, we never really hung out as a family unless it was late as night, or if we went to the farm on the weekends to see him. His work week was a full 7 days a week, with 12-13 hour days.. with maybe a half hour or so in the middle of the day to swing by home for lunch.
Most of high school I felt estranged from my father. Growing up from being a boy into a man, and not really having a father figure around to help you with that was hard. But he use to try as hard, and as much as he could. He'd come home late at night and cook dinner while my mom was out working her 2nd job, and we use to bond. use to talk about my future, what I saw, what I wanted, and thats where the jokes would stem from. I was never one to really "get dirty" but as much as I would complain about going to the farm to help out, many a weekends I'd spend with my father at the farm feeding the cows, driving the tractor, milking, shoveling shit... Believe it or not.. I use to get down and dirty. I'd come home smelling like cow manure, waiting to just hop in the shower, and then pass out on the couch for hours, just like my father did.
I remember not really understanding as a kid why my father was never around, why we could never take a family vacation, I never really understood it... I just always assumed it was abnormal for families to do things like that. The times we did spend together as a family are the times that I cherish the most. Those weekends where we would all go and help out as a family, make it home just as the sun was setting, hop in the shower and then go out to eat as a family were the memories I remember, and will always cherish. As much as we use to joke about Joshua taking over the family business.. I could never. When my father passed away, his brothers and sisters did what they could to keep the farm running and operating as much as they could... before it was just time to sell it. As we sold the farm I remember thinking to myself how we let my father down, but in the end... we knew its what was best, as did he.
I may never be the man my dad once was, but I strive to continue to grow as a man, as a human, as a son, as a brother... and one thing that will always stick with me is my dads strength, determination, willingness to help others, his drive, his work ethic, and his class and morals. He was the last of a dying breed. To find workers like him in this day in age is almost impossible. To find somebody with a heart like his, and a passion for what they love to do is rare. No matter how much work it was, no matter how cold it was out, no matter how much pain he was in, or how sick he was... he worked hard. and he got the job done.
If I could just be half the man my dad once was. Then I'd be okay with that. Here's to you dad, up in heaven. May you always rest in peace and hopefully see your smiling face once again. Happy Birthday Dad. Your always in my prayers and memories, but this Wednesday January 27, 2010. I'll be celebrating the life you once led on this earth. Happy Birthday Dad.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
The end of year challenge.
Everyone always says "where did this year go" but for the first time in my life... I know what everyone is talking about. WHERE THE HELL DID 2009 GO? I still remember the year as if it was yesterday. 2009 was a year of firsts for me. First love, first heartbreak, first breakup, first time i've felt like myself, first time facing my fears and past head on, and just first time finally being and expressing JOSHUA for who he is. It has been a year alright!
As many of you know in 2009 I came out to my family which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Not because I thought they wouldn't accept me for who I was.. but just because coming out is a whole challenge in itself. With a strong support team behind me, I was able to tackle not only coming out in 2009, but a lot of my other fears and failures. I was able for the first time in YEARS to cut someone out of my life that was having a negative impact on me as an individual. You never really know how much someone from your past can have an impact on you until something life changing either happens to you, or them. It wasn't until months later did I realize how much of an impact this person was having on my life. Because of them I found it hard to trust, hard to love, hard to be me. Our relationship that we had years ago, was still haunting me. I did what I had to do in order to move on and have some kind of closure. And hey.. it worked.
One thing I learned this year was the power of friendship. Sometimes when your life is so consumed by others.. you tend to lose sight of what's really important. Friendship and family. Going through a roller coaster of emotions this year.. from beginning to end.. one person who I could always count on is my mom. Believe it or not.. at the age of 23... I cried to my mom more times than I have EVER cried to anyone. hahaha. Say what you want, but the love a mother shares with her son, that bond.. that bond is one of the strongest. ESPECIALLY when her son is gay and tells her those black satin pumps DEFINITELY do not match that sequence top. ;) (what was she thinking?!?!) but no seriously.. I lost count the amount of times this year I'd come home fight with my mother about the stupidest thing, lock myself in my room, and come crying to her minutes later realizing I was wrong.. and realizing I had no one to turn to except for her. Without a question, she would come running to my rescue to hold me, to comfort me, to console me. To be my mom.
As individuals we try and be the strongest we possibly can in front of others. But the truth is.. we all have a weak side, we all have a moment we let our guard down. We all have THAT moment when we find ourself alone, and really just need someone there with us. We've all had them at one point or another. God at this point in our life usually sends us an angel in disguise. This "angel" can be someone, something, a pet, a person, a symbol showing us he is there. I can't even begin to describe the amount of angels that have picked me up this year when I thought I was at my lowest of lows. From family and friends to pets and emails. The number of angels around all of us are uncountable!
So at the end of 2009, I look back and reflect as to what God, the angels, my family and friends... what they have given me. They have given me new hope, new dreams, and new aspirations for 2010. The other day I received this email that I'd like to share with you.. instead of focusing on the negative in our lives we must try and think of the positive that can come from it. Sometimes life doesn't always give you the lemons you've been hoping for but there are always worse out there than us. For they would only pray to have the problems we have: Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak. Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat. Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion. Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven. Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet. And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job. And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.
Tomorrow as I watch the ball drop, from the same spot I did last year... surrounded by the same people (more than likely) I'll stand there alone and be thankful for all the people who have helped me through 2009. I'll circle the room and see all the smiling and happy faces hug and kiss and toast the free champagne (unless you lost your red ticket!) and just sit back and enjoy the moment for what it is. As 2009 ends, I challenge all of you to tell someone from 2009 how much of an impact they have made in your life this year. Find that special someone who may not know how much they mean to you.. and find a way to share and tell them before the year is over. I did it today, you can too. I challenge you. Think of someone other than yourself. Think of the impact your actions have made on others, and look back in your own life and see who has made the biggest impact on YOU this past year. Don't be afraid of the response you might get... Just tell them. If anything, it's a form of flattery! So hats off to you 2009, you've been an intense year of emotions. Happy, sad, positive and negative. You've been a year of love, hate, happiness and heartbreak. You've been a year filled with new beginnings, new life, weddings, births, deaths and romances. You've been a year filled with pride and sorrow, new friends and old friends. A year where old friends became new friends again, and a year where friendships may have dissolved. But most of all you've been another year in all of our hats. If we could get through 2009 just fine, then 2010 should hopefully be just as easy.
Happy New Years everybody. May god bless. and I pray that your 2010.. goes a little smoother than 2009.
As many of you know in 2009 I came out to my family which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Not because I thought they wouldn't accept me for who I was.. but just because coming out is a whole challenge in itself. With a strong support team behind me, I was able to tackle not only coming out in 2009, but a lot of my other fears and failures. I was able for the first time in YEARS to cut someone out of my life that was having a negative impact on me as an individual. You never really know how much someone from your past can have an impact on you until something life changing either happens to you, or them. It wasn't until months later did I realize how much of an impact this person was having on my life. Because of them I found it hard to trust, hard to love, hard to be me. Our relationship that we had years ago, was still haunting me. I did what I had to do in order to move on and have some kind of closure. And hey.. it worked.
One thing I learned this year was the power of friendship. Sometimes when your life is so consumed by others.. you tend to lose sight of what's really important. Friendship and family. Going through a roller coaster of emotions this year.. from beginning to end.. one person who I could always count on is my mom. Believe it or not.. at the age of 23... I cried to my mom more times than I have EVER cried to anyone. hahaha. Say what you want, but the love a mother shares with her son, that bond.. that bond is one of the strongest. ESPECIALLY when her son is gay and tells her those black satin pumps DEFINITELY do not match that sequence top. ;) (what was she thinking?!?!) but no seriously.. I lost count the amount of times this year I'd come home fight with my mother about the stupidest thing, lock myself in my room, and come crying to her minutes later realizing I was wrong.. and realizing I had no one to turn to except for her. Without a question, she would come running to my rescue to hold me, to comfort me, to console me. To be my mom.
As individuals we try and be the strongest we possibly can in front of others. But the truth is.. we all have a weak side, we all have a moment we let our guard down. We all have THAT moment when we find ourself alone, and really just need someone there with us. We've all had them at one point or another. God at this point in our life usually sends us an angel in disguise. This "angel" can be someone, something, a pet, a person, a symbol showing us he is there. I can't even begin to describe the amount of angels that have picked me up this year when I thought I was at my lowest of lows. From family and friends to pets and emails. The number of angels around all of us are uncountable!
So at the end of 2009, I look back and reflect as to what God, the angels, my family and friends... what they have given me. They have given me new hope, new dreams, and new aspirations for 2010. The other day I received this email that I'd like to share with you.. instead of focusing on the negative in our lives we must try and think of the positive that can come from it. Sometimes life doesn't always give you the lemons you've been hoping for but there are always worse out there than us. For they would only pray to have the problems we have: Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak. Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat. Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion. Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven. Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet. And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job. And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.
Tomorrow as I watch the ball drop, from the same spot I did last year... surrounded by the same people (more than likely) I'll stand there alone and be thankful for all the people who have helped me through 2009. I'll circle the room and see all the smiling and happy faces hug and kiss and toast the free champagne (unless you lost your red ticket!) and just sit back and enjoy the moment for what it is. As 2009 ends, I challenge all of you to tell someone from 2009 how much of an impact they have made in your life this year. Find that special someone who may not know how much they mean to you.. and find a way to share and tell them before the year is over. I did it today, you can too. I challenge you. Think of someone other than yourself. Think of the impact your actions have made on others, and look back in your own life and see who has made the biggest impact on YOU this past year. Don't be afraid of the response you might get... Just tell them. If anything, it's a form of flattery! So hats off to you 2009, you've been an intense year of emotions. Happy, sad, positive and negative. You've been a year of love, hate, happiness and heartbreak. You've been a year filled with new beginnings, new life, weddings, births, deaths and romances. You've been a year filled with pride and sorrow, new friends and old friends. A year where old friends became new friends again, and a year where friendships may have dissolved. But most of all you've been another year in all of our hats. If we could get through 2009 just fine, then 2010 should hopefully be just as easy.
Happy New Years everybody. May god bless. and I pray that your 2010.. goes a little smoother than 2009.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The First Snow
Living in New England, I think it's funny every time someone gets angry about the first snow. It's true.. you live in New England, you probably have your whole life... so why do people continue to get angry about the first time it snows? It's actually kind of funny. But on a deeper level, the first snow means a whole lot more. I guess it all depends on how you choose to look at it.
In life we make choices everyday. Every choice we make leads us down a new path, much like those choose your own adventure books. Today was... interesting to say the least. The past few weeks, every time something seems to be going right in life, something/someone comes a long and throws a nice little kink into the mix. I look back and try and figure out what choice I made in order for me to get to this point. But sometimes you can look back as much as you want, and try and find the root of your issue, but it is so deeply planted, and so complex. It is never ONE choice that leads you to where you are, it a series of events that I believe are pre-determined for us by a higher power. Which brings me to the subject of the first snow of the season.
The first snow usually falls late November, early December. Before the first snow of the season falls the weather is usually pretty ugly outside. Leaves everywhere, muddy, dark, cold nights... frost on the windows, Darker outside earlier... just all around gloomy. As the first snow falls it covers what is already outside. It covers the ground, trees, etc. in a fresh coat of white. White being the purest of all colors, representing a fresh start, a blank canvas, a second start. There is nothing to judge off of, just what you see. (nothing) There is something to be said for second chances in life. We have all been given a second chance, we have all wanted a second chance...
The snow is a second chance for the fall/winter. It gives the season a fresh start. Just when we all start to hate winter, we somehow get into the holiday spirit and the season of winter during the first snow fall. It makes us all pure again, brings us back to our childhood memories of snow days off from school, outside with our siblings and friends making snow angels and snowmen.. running inside and warming up by the fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate. But eventually we are faced with reality. The days of our childhood begin to fade, the same way the first snow begins to melt. The ugly that lies beneath is still there... and is now grey and dirty.
Once the snow begins to melt, we see what was already there beforehand. EXACTLY what was there to begin with, just being covered by something else. We can try and be someone else, we can try and fake it, we can put on a costume, a uniform, a fake persona. You may fall in love what was covered by the snow... but as the snow begins to melt, do you still love what ever it is that you were infatuated with to begin with? The answer should be yes. The true love lies on the inside. the ugly. Once you get past the outside (the fresh snow) do you love what's on the inside (beneath the snow)? Only once you look at yourself and love what's on the inside can you look at others and look at them for what is past the snow. past the physical features, look at them for who they are, what they do for others, how much support they have shown you, how REAL they are... if you can't love what is beneath your own layer of snow, there is no way you can love anyone else.
Only recently have I begun to love the dirty, muddy insides of myself. looking past what is on the outside, past the clothing, the career, past everything that is physical and tangible. Being put through an emotional ringer, (the snow plow of life) I can now see the inside. and I love what I see, and who I am.
Can you see it?
You can't blame a person for who they are. At times in life we have all done things that make us less than perfect, and not proud. But the strongest moments in life are when we are able to admit to others our own faults and flaws. I am not afraid to say I know what my flaws are. Trust being one of the major ones. Trusting someone in my life is hard to do... I have trusted very few people in my life, and one of the first people I trusted with my deepest darkest secrets found a way to play their emotions into my pain, and make the issues at hand about them, and filling their own voids without giving a care in the world to mine. Now, years later I am finally looking past "the first snow fall" and beginning to trust others again. If I can do it, you can do it too. Don't let anyone ever downplay your emotions or make you feel like one of your problems isn't important. If they are a true friend, no matter what the issue is.. they will care. If the issue is important enough for you to care about, they should too. I hate to end this on a lady gaga quote but hey.. I'm going to: recently, in an interview on ellen she said "Sometimes in life you don't always feel like a winner, but that doesn't mean that you're not a winner.."
Take time today, make your own blizzard. make your own fresh start on life. you might be surprised at what you learn about yourself. To close this out, I choose to end it with a song. Sometimes in the midst of a snow storm in life I wish I could fly away, like the birds fly south for winter. Sometimes we all wish we could get up from our problems and just fly away. Get away from here, see where else life will take us. But it's not that easy. We can't just get up and leave. Our problems will still be there when we get back.
Lyrics: Annie Lennox - Little Bird Lyrics
In life we make choices everyday. Every choice we make leads us down a new path, much like those choose your own adventure books. Today was... interesting to say the least. The past few weeks, every time something seems to be going right in life, something/someone comes a long and throws a nice little kink into the mix. I look back and try and figure out what choice I made in order for me to get to this point. But sometimes you can look back as much as you want, and try and find the root of your issue, but it is so deeply planted, and so complex. It is never ONE choice that leads you to where you are, it a series of events that I believe are pre-determined for us by a higher power. Which brings me to the subject of the first snow of the season.
The first snow usually falls late November, early December. Before the first snow of the season falls the weather is usually pretty ugly outside. Leaves everywhere, muddy, dark, cold nights... frost on the windows, Darker outside earlier... just all around gloomy. As the first snow falls it covers what is already outside. It covers the ground, trees, etc. in a fresh coat of white. White being the purest of all colors, representing a fresh start, a blank canvas, a second start. There is nothing to judge off of, just what you see. (nothing) There is something to be said for second chances in life. We have all been given a second chance, we have all wanted a second chance...
The snow is a second chance for the fall/winter. It gives the season a fresh start. Just when we all start to hate winter, we somehow get into the holiday spirit and the season of winter during the first snow fall. It makes us all pure again, brings us back to our childhood memories of snow days off from school, outside with our siblings and friends making snow angels and snowmen.. running inside and warming up by the fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate. But eventually we are faced with reality. The days of our childhood begin to fade, the same way the first snow begins to melt. The ugly that lies beneath is still there... and is now grey and dirty.
Once the snow begins to melt, we see what was already there beforehand. EXACTLY what was there to begin with, just being covered by something else. We can try and be someone else, we can try and fake it, we can put on a costume, a uniform, a fake persona. You may fall in love what was covered by the snow... but as the snow begins to melt, do you still love what ever it is that you were infatuated with to begin with? The answer should be yes. The true love lies on the inside. the ugly. Once you get past the outside (the fresh snow) do you love what's on the inside (beneath the snow)? Only once you look at yourself and love what's on the inside can you look at others and look at them for what is past the snow. past the physical features, look at them for who they are, what they do for others, how much support they have shown you, how REAL they are... if you can't love what is beneath your own layer of snow, there is no way you can love anyone else.
Only recently have I begun to love the dirty, muddy insides of myself. looking past what is on the outside, past the clothing, the career, past everything that is physical and tangible. Being put through an emotional ringer, (the snow plow of life) I can now see the inside. and I love what I see, and who I am.
Can you see it?
You can't blame a person for who they are. At times in life we have all done things that make us less than perfect, and not proud. But the strongest moments in life are when we are able to admit to others our own faults and flaws. I am not afraid to say I know what my flaws are. Trust being one of the major ones. Trusting someone in my life is hard to do... I have trusted very few people in my life, and one of the first people I trusted with my deepest darkest secrets found a way to play their emotions into my pain, and make the issues at hand about them, and filling their own voids without giving a care in the world to mine. Now, years later I am finally looking past "the first snow fall" and beginning to trust others again. If I can do it, you can do it too. Don't let anyone ever downplay your emotions or make you feel like one of your problems isn't important. If they are a true friend, no matter what the issue is.. they will care. If the issue is important enough for you to care about, they should too. I hate to end this on a lady gaga quote but hey.. I'm going to: recently, in an interview on ellen she said "Sometimes in life you don't always feel like a winner, but that doesn't mean that you're not a winner.."
Take time today, make your own blizzard. make your own fresh start on life. you might be surprised at what you learn about yourself. To close this out, I choose to end it with a song. Sometimes in the midst of a snow storm in life I wish I could fly away, like the birds fly south for winter. Sometimes we all wish we could get up from our problems and just fly away. Get away from here, see where else life will take us. But it's not that easy. We can't just get up and leave. Our problems will still be there when we get back.
Lyrics: Annie Lennox - Little Bird Lyrics
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Paying it forward
A lot of times we do things without second guessing ourselves. We just DO IT. Later on we may look back on what we just did and either regret it, think we were CRAZY for doing something, or just.. be glad we did it. I can't begin to describe the amount of times I just do things without thinking.. but in a positive aspect. Since I started this blog I hoped it would be a way for people to see joshua in a different light. Maybe you only know me as the shotboy at the bar, or as your co-worker, or as a loving member of your family... But there are many different layers and sides to me, to all of us. This blog is a way to share those sides to not let you just know "Joshua the shotboy" or "Joshua the marketing assistant" but JOSHUA.. for who he is. Granted my life is so complex and hard to understand at times even for myself... and I can probably name the 2-3 people in my life that pretty much know EVERYTHING about me, but I choose to write here, to share, with you.. who I am.
Now that the holidays are approaching I usually find reasons to do good for others around me... not always in hope that someone one day will do the same for me, but out of the goodness of my heart. The self gratitude I get out of helping others at times, puts me in positive spirits the same way I may of just made this persons day. This past month while in line at dunkin donuts.. getting my usual tea.. (Great one, 2 bags, dark, skim milk, 4 sugars) There was a group of old ladies in front of me... about 6-7 of them.. deciding on what they should get. They were dressed in their sunday bests on a tuesday at 7:30am and debating between the usual bran muffin, of if they wanted to try the pumpkin... after recommending to them if they wanted a REAL pumpkin muffin to go to starbucks or panera because the ones at dunkin just aren't the same... they suggested that I go ahead of them.. "You look very important, we don't want you to be late for work... we're just ladies of leisure today, we come out once a month and do this together as friends" I said thank you, and went first... As I placed my order, I turned to me right and they all just seemed so happy... I wish when I get to that age in life that i too can be that happy, that I can have a group of friends to go out with and make smile like that someday. I wanted to do something nice for these old ladies. As the girl behind the counter rang up their order it came to $22 and change. My order was under $3. Before the ladies could even pull any money out of their purses I told the girl.. add it to mine. These ladies you would think won the lottery.. I was instantly taken into their arms.. hugged, kissed, praised.. sure it felt good to do a good thing for them.. but the faces they made and the gratitude they showed made it all worth it.
This may just be one example of how I've been able to touch others lives, but we ALL can make a difference in someone else's life without even knowing it. At any given time in life you never know who could be thinking of you, praying for you, wishing, dreaming, and hoping for you. Walking through the streets of providence for school/work/fun/etc.. there was always an abundance of homeless people around and every one was always begging for money, some for booze yes, but others for food, clothing, LIFE. I remember someone telling me that a homeless man came up to them and asked them for money one day for beer, and instead of giving the homeless man a dollar or 2, he invited him in to a local bar, bought him a beer, sat with him.. and heard his story. Another one of my friends was in boston one day, and a homeless lady asked how he was.. and he asked her how she was.. her response: Every day is getting better. She didn't beg, she didn't ask, she just.. was living her life to the best she can, and knew one day things would change for her.. she had such a positive outlook on life he invited her out for coffee.
Sometimes these little deeds in life can be costly, but other times.. they can cost you NOTHING. I remember one time in college cleaning out my closet of old clothes/coats/etc.. and driving home one day from work and making a little detour to where I knew a group of homeless men lived. Instead of donating the clothing to the salvation army I stopped by their tent behind the old mall and asked them if they were cold, naturally being the dead of winter they said yes. I said it's not much, but I have some extra coats and sweaters I was getting rid of, please.. take them. They were so grateful... while standing there.. you couldn't help but notice how famished and sickly they looked.. I felt like I had to do SOMETHING else... I told them I would be right back, I had something else for them. I ran to McDonalds.. picked up a bag of cheeseburgers.. ( I think there was 10 burgers in total) returned to them, gave them the burgers and was headed home. One of the guys said he hasn't had McDonalds since his wife was in the hospital. He naturally started to share his story. Months prior he was in the hospital with his wife who was deathly ill.. he had to spend day and night with her. Eventually she got so sick she passed away. H then got laid off from his job and just couldn't make ends meet and before he knew it, he was homeless.
But to get back on track of "Paying it Forward" please take time, open your eyes.. realize what you have around you. Cherish it. Help that person in need, help them the way you would like to be helped one day. Do for them what is right, what is just, and what needs to be done. Because at the end of the day we are all human, we all deserve to be treated like humans. A great story I was once told about paying it forward is about a little girl who was sitting in her third grade classroom. Her name was Susie.
Picture this... third grade classroom..... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, 'Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.' He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a class mate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!' Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!' Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, 'You did that on purpose, didn't you?' Susie whispers back, 'I wet my pants once too.'
Although the story of Susie may seem a little off topic, think about it. It all has to do with karma, and doing what you would want others to do to you. We have all been in that little boys place at one point in our life.. wishing, hoping, praying that someone like Susie was around to take the blame and embarrassment off of us. (for once) And we can one day end up like the man who lost his wife and job and ended up homeless, and praying for a warm jacket or a burger. One night we could all be rushed to the hospital hoping for a friend to be by our side to help us if needed. To be our support system. We can't go through life alone. There is no way we can survive.
Take time this holiday season, reflect on the people who may have been there for you in your darkest hours. Think about what they might of done for you to pay it forward. Think about the Susie in your life, that person who took the embarrassment off of you for a change. I have never felt so blessed as I have this past year between my friends and family. I'd like to thank you all for what you have done for ME. And i promise you this.. I will be your Susie, I will be your friend, I will be your enemy, but I will always care for you, I will always do what is right, I will always do what I WANT DONE FOR ME. I will always treat you like a human, I will always love you like a human, I will give you the respect you deserve. It's like they say.. what goes around comes around. I might need you to help me with a project for a change, I might need you to stay up all night and help me study/plan for a big test tomorrow, I might get into a car accident and need you to give me rides around town, I might need you there for me one day in the ER till the early hours of the morning, I might need you as a shoulder to cry on, I might need you to give me a meal in my poorest of days.. but most of all I need you. My friends and family I rely on you to get me through this crazy world. You may come into this world alone, and you may leave alone... but that doesn't mean you need to spend your days here on earth alone. Take time out of your day for others. Make time. You must in order to survive. And please, don't just make time for me, make time for those less fortunate than us, those who are struggling and dying and those who have to live every day going with out. One day it will all come back to you and be worth it. Karma may be a bitch.. but she is one FIERCE bitch. =)
So thank you.
MA, KH, CB, SM, DD, DM, MW, AN, SN, MN... all of you. thanks.
Now that the holidays are approaching I usually find reasons to do good for others around me... not always in hope that someone one day will do the same for me, but out of the goodness of my heart. The self gratitude I get out of helping others at times, puts me in positive spirits the same way I may of just made this persons day. This past month while in line at dunkin donuts.. getting my usual tea.. (Great one, 2 bags, dark, skim milk, 4 sugars) There was a group of old ladies in front of me... about 6-7 of them.. deciding on what they should get. They were dressed in their sunday bests on a tuesday at 7:30am and debating between the usual bran muffin, of if they wanted to try the pumpkin... after recommending to them if they wanted a REAL pumpkin muffin to go to starbucks or panera because the ones at dunkin just aren't the same... they suggested that I go ahead of them.. "You look very important, we don't want you to be late for work... we're just ladies of leisure today, we come out once a month and do this together as friends" I said thank you, and went first... As I placed my order, I turned to me right and they all just seemed so happy... I wish when I get to that age in life that i too can be that happy, that I can have a group of friends to go out with and make smile like that someday. I wanted to do something nice for these old ladies. As the girl behind the counter rang up their order it came to $22 and change. My order was under $3. Before the ladies could even pull any money out of their purses I told the girl.. add it to mine. These ladies you would think won the lottery.. I was instantly taken into their arms.. hugged, kissed, praised.. sure it felt good to do a good thing for them.. but the faces they made and the gratitude they showed made it all worth it.
This may just be one example of how I've been able to touch others lives, but we ALL can make a difference in someone else's life without even knowing it. At any given time in life you never know who could be thinking of you, praying for you, wishing, dreaming, and hoping for you. Walking through the streets of providence for school/work/fun/etc.. there was always an abundance of homeless people around and every one was always begging for money, some for booze yes, but others for food, clothing, LIFE. I remember someone telling me that a homeless man came up to them and asked them for money one day for beer, and instead of giving the homeless man a dollar or 2, he invited him in to a local bar, bought him a beer, sat with him.. and heard his story. Another one of my friends was in boston one day, and a homeless lady asked how he was.. and he asked her how she was.. her response: Every day is getting better. She didn't beg, she didn't ask, she just.. was living her life to the best she can, and knew one day things would change for her.. she had such a positive outlook on life he invited her out for coffee.
Sometimes these little deeds in life can be costly, but other times.. they can cost you NOTHING. I remember one time in college cleaning out my closet of old clothes/coats/etc.. and driving home one day from work and making a little detour to where I knew a group of homeless men lived. Instead of donating the clothing to the salvation army I stopped by their tent behind the old mall and asked them if they were cold, naturally being the dead of winter they said yes. I said it's not much, but I have some extra coats and sweaters I was getting rid of, please.. take them. They were so grateful... while standing there.. you couldn't help but notice how famished and sickly they looked.. I felt like I had to do SOMETHING else... I told them I would be right back, I had something else for them. I ran to McDonalds.. picked up a bag of cheeseburgers.. ( I think there was 10 burgers in total) returned to them, gave them the burgers and was headed home. One of the guys said he hasn't had McDonalds since his wife was in the hospital. He naturally started to share his story. Months prior he was in the hospital with his wife who was deathly ill.. he had to spend day and night with her. Eventually she got so sick she passed away. H then got laid off from his job and just couldn't make ends meet and before he knew it, he was homeless.
But to get back on track of "Paying it Forward" please take time, open your eyes.. realize what you have around you. Cherish it. Help that person in need, help them the way you would like to be helped one day. Do for them what is right, what is just, and what needs to be done. Because at the end of the day we are all human, we all deserve to be treated like humans. A great story I was once told about paying it forward is about a little girl who was sitting in her third grade classroom. Her name was Susie.
Picture this... third grade classroom..... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, 'Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.' He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a class mate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!' Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!' Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, 'You did that on purpose, didn't you?' Susie whispers back, 'I wet my pants once too.'
Although the story of Susie may seem a little off topic, think about it. It all has to do with karma, and doing what you would want others to do to you. We have all been in that little boys place at one point in our life.. wishing, hoping, praying that someone like Susie was around to take the blame and embarrassment off of us. (for once) And we can one day end up like the man who lost his wife and job and ended up homeless, and praying for a warm jacket or a burger. One night we could all be rushed to the hospital hoping for a friend to be by our side to help us if needed. To be our support system. We can't go through life alone. There is no way we can survive.
Take time this holiday season, reflect on the people who may have been there for you in your darkest hours. Think about what they might of done for you to pay it forward. Think about the Susie in your life, that person who took the embarrassment off of you for a change. I have never felt so blessed as I have this past year between my friends and family. I'd like to thank you all for what you have done for ME. And i promise you this.. I will be your Susie, I will be your friend, I will be your enemy, but I will always care for you, I will always do what is right, I will always do what I WANT DONE FOR ME. I will always treat you like a human, I will always love you like a human, I will give you the respect you deserve. It's like they say.. what goes around comes around. I might need you to help me with a project for a change, I might need you to stay up all night and help me study/plan for a big test tomorrow, I might get into a car accident and need you to give me rides around town, I might need you there for me one day in the ER till the early hours of the morning, I might need you as a shoulder to cry on, I might need you to give me a meal in my poorest of days.. but most of all I need you. My friends and family I rely on you to get me through this crazy world. You may come into this world alone, and you may leave alone... but that doesn't mean you need to spend your days here on earth alone. Take time out of your day for others. Make time. You must in order to survive. And please, don't just make time for me, make time for those less fortunate than us, those who are struggling and dying and those who have to live every day going with out. One day it will all come back to you and be worth it. Karma may be a bitch.. but she is one FIERCE bitch. =)
So thank you.
MA, KH, CB, SM, DD, DM, MW, AN, SN, MN... all of you. thanks.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Defying Gravity.
This week on Glee "Becky" a girl with down syndrome tries out for the cheerleading team... and for some reason "Sue" the coach.. seemed to be up to something by allowing Becky, who was far from perfect...the final position on her squad.. who was preparing for a national competition. Now this squad was made up of nothing but the best.. so why would Sue, this downright mean, cold hearted individual allow her team to be mocked by allowing a girl who was FAR from perfect join her squad? ...Later in the episode Sue says "You want me to treat this girl different, but what I see is a girl who just wants to be treated like everybody else" Fast forward to the end of the episode, we see Sue visiting her sister in the nursing home, who is also living her life day to day with down syndrome. It just goes to show, as much as you think you know someone... you really don't know who they are, or what they are up to. This is a great example of judging a book by it's cover. You think you know someone so well, when really you don't know the first thing about that person. We as human beings are complex individuals, we have emotions, feelings, and a past that makes us who we are today. Sue may put out this downright mean image, but at the end of the day.. she saw her sister in Becky, and gave Becky the chance her sister would of always loved to have.
It's amazing to see how people change. Today, while at lunch with a very special person in my life... we began discussing our lives over this past year... and how much we have changed from the beginning of the year till now. How we've both grown as individuals, and really have the other to thank for a lot of that. It was nice to sit and see someone else realize how much of an impact we have made on each other. More so the impact that he has made in my life. As humans we must go out and create change, before change creates us. As i sit here now in my bathrobe, reflecting on my day/week/month/year... I look at all that I was able to accomplish and would I be able to do this without going through the emotional roller coaster of ups and downs I have experienced this year... probably, but the people, events in my life made me who I am, and at the end of the day, today and everyday.. I feel like a stronger person for the things I've been through.
Change should always be for the better. Change should be something that makes us GROW into a more positive person. When relationships/friendships go sour people always say "People change" this is so true, but a lot of the times people change for the worse. I'm proud to say that lately, and hopefully for a long time, the changes I make in my life are positive ones. One of the biggest changes in my life this year, was my coming out. I came out at time when I felt was right, I was ready to share myself with my family, with my boyfriend, with the world. Before I could EVER share my life with anyone else.. I had to be able to accept who I was. And I did. Finally.
While at lunch today we also talked about how falling for someone is very easy to do, Falling in love with that person comes naturally, and is just as easy. Breaking up with someone you love must be the hardest thing to do, but allowing that person back in your life weather it be in a romantic way or not, is even harder. To view what you once had and question.. do I want to subject myself to this again? That is when you must turn to your heart and do what is right... could I honestly see my life without this person in it, in SOME way shape or form? Today I asked that question.. do I want to live a life without this person in it? And the answer was no. Being able to make amends with ex's, old friends who may have hurt you, family, etc.. is hard. very hard. but being able to turn to each other, and still know what the other is thinking after not seeing each other for months.. is something you don't let slip away.
After experiencing this year my first relationship, and being involved head over heels with someone who I still look up to till this day, someone who no matter what happened between us, I still want to see succeed in life, someone who I want to see reach for the stars and actually hit those goals.. someone who is a genuinely good person, who not enough credit was ever given to... someone who isn't like everybody else. I see why I fell in love with this man, I see why he is so well liked, I was able to step outside of our relationship and view what a truly amazing man I was blessed with this year to be a part of MY life. we must realize people like this do not come a long often, and when they do we must hold on to them for as long as possible. We are reminded daily by god himself the of the gifts he has given us, but the greatest gift.. is love. It is not enough to just share that love with the ones we hold dear. We must lear to open our hearts to not only those who we hold close, but to all humanity.
We must learn to be slow to judge others, but quick to forgive. We must show patience for one another, we must show our Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance, sing, and enjoy!
In our lives we must learn to defy gravity. We must learn to take a chance. Look out over the edge of that cliff and not second guess ourselves. just JUMP.
It's amazing to see how people change. Today, while at lunch with a very special person in my life... we began discussing our lives over this past year... and how much we have changed from the beginning of the year till now. How we've both grown as individuals, and really have the other to thank for a lot of that. It was nice to sit and see someone else realize how much of an impact we have made on each other. More so the impact that he has made in my life. As humans we must go out and create change, before change creates us. As i sit here now in my bathrobe, reflecting on my day/week/month/year... I look at all that I was able to accomplish and would I be able to do this without going through the emotional roller coaster of ups and downs I have experienced this year... probably, but the people, events in my life made me who I am, and at the end of the day, today and everyday.. I feel like a stronger person for the things I've been through.
Change should always be for the better. Change should be something that makes us GROW into a more positive person. When relationships/friendships go sour people always say "People change" this is so true, but a lot of the times people change for the worse. I'm proud to say that lately, and hopefully for a long time, the changes I make in my life are positive ones. One of the biggest changes in my life this year, was my coming out. I came out at time when I felt was right, I was ready to share myself with my family, with my boyfriend, with the world. Before I could EVER share my life with anyone else.. I had to be able to accept who I was. And I did. Finally.
While at lunch today we also talked about how falling for someone is very easy to do, Falling in love with that person comes naturally, and is just as easy. Breaking up with someone you love must be the hardest thing to do, but allowing that person back in your life weather it be in a romantic way or not, is even harder. To view what you once had and question.. do I want to subject myself to this again? That is when you must turn to your heart and do what is right... could I honestly see my life without this person in it, in SOME way shape or form? Today I asked that question.. do I want to live a life without this person in it? And the answer was no. Being able to make amends with ex's, old friends who may have hurt you, family, etc.. is hard. very hard. but being able to turn to each other, and still know what the other is thinking after not seeing each other for months.. is something you don't let slip away.
After experiencing this year my first relationship, and being involved head over heels with someone who I still look up to till this day, someone who no matter what happened between us, I still want to see succeed in life, someone who I want to see reach for the stars and actually hit those goals.. someone who is a genuinely good person, who not enough credit was ever given to... someone who isn't like everybody else. I see why I fell in love with this man, I see why he is so well liked, I was able to step outside of our relationship and view what a truly amazing man I was blessed with this year to be a part of MY life. we must realize people like this do not come a long often, and when they do we must hold on to them for as long as possible. We are reminded daily by god himself the of the gifts he has given us, but the greatest gift.. is love. It is not enough to just share that love with the ones we hold dear. We must lear to open our hearts to not only those who we hold close, but to all humanity.
We must learn to be slow to judge others, but quick to forgive. We must show patience for one another, we must show our Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance, sing, and enjoy!
In our lives we must learn to defy gravity. We must learn to take a chance. Look out over the edge of that cliff and not second guess ourselves. just JUMP.
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