Everyone always says "where did this year go" but for the first time in my life... I know what everyone is talking about. WHERE THE HELL DID 2009 GO? I still remember the year as if it was yesterday. 2009 was a year of firsts for me. First love, first heartbreak, first breakup, first time i've felt like myself, first time facing my fears and past head on, and just first time finally being and expressing JOSHUA for who he is. It has been a year alright!
As many of you know in 2009 I came out to my family which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Not because I thought they wouldn't accept me for who I was.. but just because coming out is a whole challenge in itself. With a strong support team behind me, I was able to tackle not only coming out in 2009, but a lot of my other fears and failures. I was able for the first time in YEARS to cut someone out of my life that was having a negative impact on me as an individual. You never really know how much someone from your past can have an impact on you until something life changing either happens to you, or them. It wasn't until months later did I realize how much of an impact this person was having on my life. Because of them I found it hard to trust, hard to love, hard to be me. Our relationship that we had years ago, was still haunting me. I did what I had to do in order to move on and have some kind of closure. And hey.. it worked.
One thing I learned this year was the power of friendship. Sometimes when your life is so consumed by others.. you tend to lose sight of what's really important. Friendship and family. Going through a roller coaster of emotions this year.. from beginning to end.. one person who I could always count on is my mom. Believe it or not.. at the age of 23... I cried to my mom more times than I have EVER cried to anyone. hahaha. Say what you want, but the love a mother shares with her son, that bond.. that bond is one of the strongest. ESPECIALLY when her son is gay and tells her those black satin pumps DEFINITELY do not match that sequence top. ;) (what was she thinking?!?!) but no seriously.. I lost count the amount of times this year I'd come home fight with my mother about the stupidest thing, lock myself in my room, and come crying to her minutes later realizing I was wrong.. and realizing I had no one to turn to except for her. Without a question, she would come running to my rescue to hold me, to comfort me, to console me. To be my mom.
As individuals we try and be the strongest we possibly can in front of others. But the truth is.. we all have a weak side, we all have a moment we let our guard down. We all have THAT moment when we find ourself alone, and really just need someone there with us. We've all had them at one point or another. God at this point in our life usually sends us an angel in disguise. This "angel" can be someone, something, a pet, a person, a symbol showing us he is there. I can't even begin to describe the amount of angels that have picked me up this year when I thought I was at my lowest of lows. From family and friends to pets and emails. The number of angels around all of us are uncountable!
So at the end of 2009, I look back and reflect as to what God, the angels, my family and friends... what they have given me. They have given me new hope, new dreams, and new aspirations for 2010. The other day I received this email that I'd like to share with you.. instead of focusing on the negative in our lives we must try and think of the positive that can come from it. Sometimes life doesn't always give you the lemons you've been hoping for but there are always worse out there than us. For they would only pray to have the problems we have: Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak. Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat. Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion. Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven. Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet. And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job. And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.
Tomorrow as I watch the ball drop, from the same spot I did last year... surrounded by the same people (more than likely) I'll stand there alone and be thankful for all the people who have helped me through 2009. I'll circle the room and see all the smiling and happy faces hug and kiss and toast the free champagne (unless you lost your red ticket!) and just sit back and enjoy the moment for what it is. As 2009 ends, I challenge all of you to tell someone from 2009 how much of an impact they have made in your life this year. Find that special someone who may not know how much they mean to you.. and find a way to share and tell them before the year is over. I did it today, you can too. I challenge you. Think of someone other than yourself. Think of the impact your actions have made on others, and look back in your own life and see who has made the biggest impact on YOU this past year. Don't be afraid of the response you might get... Just tell them. If anything, it's a form of flattery! So hats off to you 2009, you've been an intense year of emotions. Happy, sad, positive and negative. You've been a year of love, hate, happiness and heartbreak. You've been a year filled with new beginnings, new life, weddings, births, deaths and romances. You've been a year filled with pride and sorrow, new friends and old friends. A year where old friends became new friends again, and a year where friendships may have dissolved. But most of all you've been another year in all of our hats. If we could get through 2009 just fine, then 2010 should hopefully be just as easy.
Happy New Years everybody. May god bless. and I pray that your 2010.. goes a little smoother than 2009.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The First Snow
Living in New England, I think it's funny every time someone gets angry about the first snow. It's true.. you live in New England, you probably have your whole life... so why do people continue to get angry about the first time it snows? It's actually kind of funny. But on a deeper level, the first snow means a whole lot more. I guess it all depends on how you choose to look at it.
In life we make choices everyday. Every choice we make leads us down a new path, much like those choose your own adventure books. Today was... interesting to say the least. The past few weeks, every time something seems to be going right in life, something/someone comes a long and throws a nice little kink into the mix. I look back and try and figure out what choice I made in order for me to get to this point. But sometimes you can look back as much as you want, and try and find the root of your issue, but it is so deeply planted, and so complex. It is never ONE choice that leads you to where you are, it a series of events that I believe are pre-determined for us by a higher power. Which brings me to the subject of the first snow of the season.
The first snow usually falls late November, early December. Before the first snow of the season falls the weather is usually pretty ugly outside. Leaves everywhere, muddy, dark, cold nights... frost on the windows, Darker outside earlier... just all around gloomy. As the first snow falls it covers what is already outside. It covers the ground, trees, etc. in a fresh coat of white. White being the purest of all colors, representing a fresh start, a blank canvas, a second start. There is nothing to judge off of, just what you see. (nothing) There is something to be said for second chances in life. We have all been given a second chance, we have all wanted a second chance...
The snow is a second chance for the fall/winter. It gives the season a fresh start. Just when we all start to hate winter, we somehow get into the holiday spirit and the season of winter during the first snow fall. It makes us all pure again, brings us back to our childhood memories of snow days off from school, outside with our siblings and friends making snow angels and snowmen.. running inside and warming up by the fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate. But eventually we are faced with reality. The days of our childhood begin to fade, the same way the first snow begins to melt. The ugly that lies beneath is still there... and is now grey and dirty.
Once the snow begins to melt, we see what was already there beforehand. EXACTLY what was there to begin with, just being covered by something else. We can try and be someone else, we can try and fake it, we can put on a costume, a uniform, a fake persona. You may fall in love what was covered by the snow... but as the snow begins to melt, do you still love what ever it is that you were infatuated with to begin with? The answer should be yes. The true love lies on the inside. the ugly. Once you get past the outside (the fresh snow) do you love what's on the inside (beneath the snow)? Only once you look at yourself and love what's on the inside can you look at others and look at them for what is past the snow. past the physical features, look at them for who they are, what they do for others, how much support they have shown you, how REAL they are... if you can't love what is beneath your own layer of snow, there is no way you can love anyone else.
Only recently have I begun to love the dirty, muddy insides of myself. looking past what is on the outside, past the clothing, the career, past everything that is physical and tangible. Being put through an emotional ringer, (the snow plow of life) I can now see the inside. and I love what I see, and who I am.
Can you see it?
You can't blame a person for who they are. At times in life we have all done things that make us less than perfect, and not proud. But the strongest moments in life are when we are able to admit to others our own faults and flaws. I am not afraid to say I know what my flaws are. Trust being one of the major ones. Trusting someone in my life is hard to do... I have trusted very few people in my life, and one of the first people I trusted with my deepest darkest secrets found a way to play their emotions into my pain, and make the issues at hand about them, and filling their own voids without giving a care in the world to mine. Now, years later I am finally looking past "the first snow fall" and beginning to trust others again. If I can do it, you can do it too. Don't let anyone ever downplay your emotions or make you feel like one of your problems isn't important. If they are a true friend, no matter what the issue is.. they will care. If the issue is important enough for you to care about, they should too. I hate to end this on a lady gaga quote but hey.. I'm going to: recently, in an interview on ellen she said "Sometimes in life you don't always feel like a winner, but that doesn't mean that you're not a winner.."
Take time today, make your own blizzard. make your own fresh start on life. you might be surprised at what you learn about yourself. To close this out, I choose to end it with a song. Sometimes in the midst of a snow storm in life I wish I could fly away, like the birds fly south for winter. Sometimes we all wish we could get up from our problems and just fly away. Get away from here, see where else life will take us. But it's not that easy. We can't just get up and leave. Our problems will still be there when we get back.
Lyrics: Annie Lennox - Little Bird Lyrics
In life we make choices everyday. Every choice we make leads us down a new path, much like those choose your own adventure books. Today was... interesting to say the least. The past few weeks, every time something seems to be going right in life, something/someone comes a long and throws a nice little kink into the mix. I look back and try and figure out what choice I made in order for me to get to this point. But sometimes you can look back as much as you want, and try and find the root of your issue, but it is so deeply planted, and so complex. It is never ONE choice that leads you to where you are, it a series of events that I believe are pre-determined for us by a higher power. Which brings me to the subject of the first snow of the season.
The first snow usually falls late November, early December. Before the first snow of the season falls the weather is usually pretty ugly outside. Leaves everywhere, muddy, dark, cold nights... frost on the windows, Darker outside earlier... just all around gloomy. As the first snow falls it covers what is already outside. It covers the ground, trees, etc. in a fresh coat of white. White being the purest of all colors, representing a fresh start, a blank canvas, a second start. There is nothing to judge off of, just what you see. (nothing) There is something to be said for second chances in life. We have all been given a second chance, we have all wanted a second chance...
The snow is a second chance for the fall/winter. It gives the season a fresh start. Just when we all start to hate winter, we somehow get into the holiday spirit and the season of winter during the first snow fall. It makes us all pure again, brings us back to our childhood memories of snow days off from school, outside with our siblings and friends making snow angels and snowmen.. running inside and warming up by the fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate. But eventually we are faced with reality. The days of our childhood begin to fade, the same way the first snow begins to melt. The ugly that lies beneath is still there... and is now grey and dirty.
Once the snow begins to melt, we see what was already there beforehand. EXACTLY what was there to begin with, just being covered by something else. We can try and be someone else, we can try and fake it, we can put on a costume, a uniform, a fake persona. You may fall in love what was covered by the snow... but as the snow begins to melt, do you still love what ever it is that you were infatuated with to begin with? The answer should be yes. The true love lies on the inside. the ugly. Once you get past the outside (the fresh snow) do you love what's on the inside (beneath the snow)? Only once you look at yourself and love what's on the inside can you look at others and look at them for what is past the snow. past the physical features, look at them for who they are, what they do for others, how much support they have shown you, how REAL they are... if you can't love what is beneath your own layer of snow, there is no way you can love anyone else.
Only recently have I begun to love the dirty, muddy insides of myself. looking past what is on the outside, past the clothing, the career, past everything that is physical and tangible. Being put through an emotional ringer, (the snow plow of life) I can now see the inside. and I love what I see, and who I am.
Can you see it?
You can't blame a person for who they are. At times in life we have all done things that make us less than perfect, and not proud. But the strongest moments in life are when we are able to admit to others our own faults and flaws. I am not afraid to say I know what my flaws are. Trust being one of the major ones. Trusting someone in my life is hard to do... I have trusted very few people in my life, and one of the first people I trusted with my deepest darkest secrets found a way to play their emotions into my pain, and make the issues at hand about them, and filling their own voids without giving a care in the world to mine. Now, years later I am finally looking past "the first snow fall" and beginning to trust others again. If I can do it, you can do it too. Don't let anyone ever downplay your emotions or make you feel like one of your problems isn't important. If they are a true friend, no matter what the issue is.. they will care. If the issue is important enough for you to care about, they should too. I hate to end this on a lady gaga quote but hey.. I'm going to: recently, in an interview on ellen she said "Sometimes in life you don't always feel like a winner, but that doesn't mean that you're not a winner.."
Take time today, make your own blizzard. make your own fresh start on life. you might be surprised at what you learn about yourself. To close this out, I choose to end it with a song. Sometimes in the midst of a snow storm in life I wish I could fly away, like the birds fly south for winter. Sometimes we all wish we could get up from our problems and just fly away. Get away from here, see where else life will take us. But it's not that easy. We can't just get up and leave. Our problems will still be there when we get back.
Lyrics: Annie Lennox - Little Bird Lyrics
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Paying it forward
A lot of times we do things without second guessing ourselves. We just DO IT. Later on we may look back on what we just did and either regret it, think we were CRAZY for doing something, or just.. be glad we did it. I can't begin to describe the amount of times I just do things without thinking.. but in a positive aspect. Since I started this blog I hoped it would be a way for people to see joshua in a different light. Maybe you only know me as the shotboy at the bar, or as your co-worker, or as a loving member of your family... But there are many different layers and sides to me, to all of us. This blog is a way to share those sides to not let you just know "Joshua the shotboy" or "Joshua the marketing assistant" but JOSHUA.. for who he is. Granted my life is so complex and hard to understand at times even for myself... and I can probably name the 2-3 people in my life that pretty much know EVERYTHING about me, but I choose to write here, to share, with you.. who I am.
Now that the holidays are approaching I usually find reasons to do good for others around me... not always in hope that someone one day will do the same for me, but out of the goodness of my heart. The self gratitude I get out of helping others at times, puts me in positive spirits the same way I may of just made this persons day. This past month while in line at dunkin donuts.. getting my usual tea.. (Great one, 2 bags, dark, skim milk, 4 sugars) There was a group of old ladies in front of me... about 6-7 of them.. deciding on what they should get. They were dressed in their sunday bests on a tuesday at 7:30am and debating between the usual bran muffin, of if they wanted to try the pumpkin... after recommending to them if they wanted a REAL pumpkin muffin to go to starbucks or panera because the ones at dunkin just aren't the same... they suggested that I go ahead of them.. "You look very important, we don't want you to be late for work... we're just ladies of leisure today, we come out once a month and do this together as friends" I said thank you, and went first... As I placed my order, I turned to me right and they all just seemed so happy... I wish when I get to that age in life that i too can be that happy, that I can have a group of friends to go out with and make smile like that someday. I wanted to do something nice for these old ladies. As the girl behind the counter rang up their order it came to $22 and change. My order was under $3. Before the ladies could even pull any money out of their purses I told the girl.. add it to mine. These ladies you would think won the lottery.. I was instantly taken into their arms.. hugged, kissed, praised.. sure it felt good to do a good thing for them.. but the faces they made and the gratitude they showed made it all worth it.
This may just be one example of how I've been able to touch others lives, but we ALL can make a difference in someone else's life without even knowing it. At any given time in life you never know who could be thinking of you, praying for you, wishing, dreaming, and hoping for you. Walking through the streets of providence for school/work/fun/etc.. there was always an abundance of homeless people around and every one was always begging for money, some for booze yes, but others for food, clothing, LIFE. I remember someone telling me that a homeless man came up to them and asked them for money one day for beer, and instead of giving the homeless man a dollar or 2, he invited him in to a local bar, bought him a beer, sat with him.. and heard his story. Another one of my friends was in boston one day, and a homeless lady asked how he was.. and he asked her how she was.. her response: Every day is getting better. She didn't beg, she didn't ask, she just.. was living her life to the best she can, and knew one day things would change for her.. she had such a positive outlook on life he invited her out for coffee.
Sometimes these little deeds in life can be costly, but other times.. they can cost you NOTHING. I remember one time in college cleaning out my closet of old clothes/coats/etc.. and driving home one day from work and making a little detour to where I knew a group of homeless men lived. Instead of donating the clothing to the salvation army I stopped by their tent behind the old mall and asked them if they were cold, naturally being the dead of winter they said yes. I said it's not much, but I have some extra coats and sweaters I was getting rid of, please.. take them. They were so grateful... while standing there.. you couldn't help but notice how famished and sickly they looked.. I felt like I had to do SOMETHING else... I told them I would be right back, I had something else for them. I ran to McDonalds.. picked up a bag of cheeseburgers.. ( I think there was 10 burgers in total) returned to them, gave them the burgers and was headed home. One of the guys said he hasn't had McDonalds since his wife was in the hospital. He naturally started to share his story. Months prior he was in the hospital with his wife who was deathly ill.. he had to spend day and night with her. Eventually she got so sick she passed away. H then got laid off from his job and just couldn't make ends meet and before he knew it, he was homeless.
But to get back on track of "Paying it Forward" please take time, open your eyes.. realize what you have around you. Cherish it. Help that person in need, help them the way you would like to be helped one day. Do for them what is right, what is just, and what needs to be done. Because at the end of the day we are all human, we all deserve to be treated like humans. A great story I was once told about paying it forward is about a little girl who was sitting in her third grade classroom. Her name was Susie.
Picture this... third grade classroom..... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, 'Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.' He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a class mate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!' Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!' Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, 'You did that on purpose, didn't you?' Susie whispers back, 'I wet my pants once too.'
Although the story of Susie may seem a little off topic, think about it. It all has to do with karma, and doing what you would want others to do to you. We have all been in that little boys place at one point in our life.. wishing, hoping, praying that someone like Susie was around to take the blame and embarrassment off of us. (for once) And we can one day end up like the man who lost his wife and job and ended up homeless, and praying for a warm jacket or a burger. One night we could all be rushed to the hospital hoping for a friend to be by our side to help us if needed. To be our support system. We can't go through life alone. There is no way we can survive.
Take time this holiday season, reflect on the people who may have been there for you in your darkest hours. Think about what they might of done for you to pay it forward. Think about the Susie in your life, that person who took the embarrassment off of you for a change. I have never felt so blessed as I have this past year between my friends and family. I'd like to thank you all for what you have done for ME. And i promise you this.. I will be your Susie, I will be your friend, I will be your enemy, but I will always care for you, I will always do what is right, I will always do what I WANT DONE FOR ME. I will always treat you like a human, I will always love you like a human, I will give you the respect you deserve. It's like they say.. what goes around comes around. I might need you to help me with a project for a change, I might need you to stay up all night and help me study/plan for a big test tomorrow, I might get into a car accident and need you to give me rides around town, I might need you there for me one day in the ER till the early hours of the morning, I might need you as a shoulder to cry on, I might need you to give me a meal in my poorest of days.. but most of all I need you. My friends and family I rely on you to get me through this crazy world. You may come into this world alone, and you may leave alone... but that doesn't mean you need to spend your days here on earth alone. Take time out of your day for others. Make time. You must in order to survive. And please, don't just make time for me, make time for those less fortunate than us, those who are struggling and dying and those who have to live every day going with out. One day it will all come back to you and be worth it. Karma may be a bitch.. but she is one FIERCE bitch. =)
So thank you.
MA, KH, CB, SM, DD, DM, MW, AN, SN, MN... all of you. thanks.
Now that the holidays are approaching I usually find reasons to do good for others around me... not always in hope that someone one day will do the same for me, but out of the goodness of my heart. The self gratitude I get out of helping others at times, puts me in positive spirits the same way I may of just made this persons day. This past month while in line at dunkin donuts.. getting my usual tea.. (Great one, 2 bags, dark, skim milk, 4 sugars) There was a group of old ladies in front of me... about 6-7 of them.. deciding on what they should get. They were dressed in their sunday bests on a tuesday at 7:30am and debating between the usual bran muffin, of if they wanted to try the pumpkin... after recommending to them if they wanted a REAL pumpkin muffin to go to starbucks or panera because the ones at dunkin just aren't the same... they suggested that I go ahead of them.. "You look very important, we don't want you to be late for work... we're just ladies of leisure today, we come out once a month and do this together as friends" I said thank you, and went first... As I placed my order, I turned to me right and they all just seemed so happy... I wish when I get to that age in life that i too can be that happy, that I can have a group of friends to go out with and make smile like that someday. I wanted to do something nice for these old ladies. As the girl behind the counter rang up their order it came to $22 and change. My order was under $3. Before the ladies could even pull any money out of their purses I told the girl.. add it to mine. These ladies you would think won the lottery.. I was instantly taken into their arms.. hugged, kissed, praised.. sure it felt good to do a good thing for them.. but the faces they made and the gratitude they showed made it all worth it.
This may just be one example of how I've been able to touch others lives, but we ALL can make a difference in someone else's life without even knowing it. At any given time in life you never know who could be thinking of you, praying for you, wishing, dreaming, and hoping for you. Walking through the streets of providence for school/work/fun/etc.. there was always an abundance of homeless people around and every one was always begging for money, some for booze yes, but others for food, clothing, LIFE. I remember someone telling me that a homeless man came up to them and asked them for money one day for beer, and instead of giving the homeless man a dollar or 2, he invited him in to a local bar, bought him a beer, sat with him.. and heard his story. Another one of my friends was in boston one day, and a homeless lady asked how he was.. and he asked her how she was.. her response: Every day is getting better. She didn't beg, she didn't ask, she just.. was living her life to the best she can, and knew one day things would change for her.. she had such a positive outlook on life he invited her out for coffee.
Sometimes these little deeds in life can be costly, but other times.. they can cost you NOTHING. I remember one time in college cleaning out my closet of old clothes/coats/etc.. and driving home one day from work and making a little detour to where I knew a group of homeless men lived. Instead of donating the clothing to the salvation army I stopped by their tent behind the old mall and asked them if they were cold, naturally being the dead of winter they said yes. I said it's not much, but I have some extra coats and sweaters I was getting rid of, please.. take them. They were so grateful... while standing there.. you couldn't help but notice how famished and sickly they looked.. I felt like I had to do SOMETHING else... I told them I would be right back, I had something else for them. I ran to McDonalds.. picked up a bag of cheeseburgers.. ( I think there was 10 burgers in total) returned to them, gave them the burgers and was headed home. One of the guys said he hasn't had McDonalds since his wife was in the hospital. He naturally started to share his story. Months prior he was in the hospital with his wife who was deathly ill.. he had to spend day and night with her. Eventually she got so sick she passed away. H then got laid off from his job and just couldn't make ends meet and before he knew it, he was homeless.
But to get back on track of "Paying it Forward" please take time, open your eyes.. realize what you have around you. Cherish it. Help that person in need, help them the way you would like to be helped one day. Do for them what is right, what is just, and what needs to be done. Because at the end of the day we are all human, we all deserve to be treated like humans. A great story I was once told about paying it forward is about a little girl who was sitting in her third grade classroom. Her name was Susie.
Picture this... third grade classroom..... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, 'Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.' He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a class mate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!' Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!' Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, 'You did that on purpose, didn't you?' Susie whispers back, 'I wet my pants once too.'
Although the story of Susie may seem a little off topic, think about it. It all has to do with karma, and doing what you would want others to do to you. We have all been in that little boys place at one point in our life.. wishing, hoping, praying that someone like Susie was around to take the blame and embarrassment off of us. (for once) And we can one day end up like the man who lost his wife and job and ended up homeless, and praying for a warm jacket or a burger. One night we could all be rushed to the hospital hoping for a friend to be by our side to help us if needed. To be our support system. We can't go through life alone. There is no way we can survive.
Take time this holiday season, reflect on the people who may have been there for you in your darkest hours. Think about what they might of done for you to pay it forward. Think about the Susie in your life, that person who took the embarrassment off of you for a change. I have never felt so blessed as I have this past year between my friends and family. I'd like to thank you all for what you have done for ME. And i promise you this.. I will be your Susie, I will be your friend, I will be your enemy, but I will always care for you, I will always do what is right, I will always do what I WANT DONE FOR ME. I will always treat you like a human, I will always love you like a human, I will give you the respect you deserve. It's like they say.. what goes around comes around. I might need you to help me with a project for a change, I might need you to stay up all night and help me study/plan for a big test tomorrow, I might get into a car accident and need you to give me rides around town, I might need you there for me one day in the ER till the early hours of the morning, I might need you as a shoulder to cry on, I might need you to give me a meal in my poorest of days.. but most of all I need you. My friends and family I rely on you to get me through this crazy world. You may come into this world alone, and you may leave alone... but that doesn't mean you need to spend your days here on earth alone. Take time out of your day for others. Make time. You must in order to survive. And please, don't just make time for me, make time for those less fortunate than us, those who are struggling and dying and those who have to live every day going with out. One day it will all come back to you and be worth it. Karma may be a bitch.. but she is one FIERCE bitch. =)
So thank you.
MA, KH, CB, SM, DD, DM, MW, AN, SN, MN... all of you. thanks.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Defying Gravity.
This week on Glee "Becky" a girl with down syndrome tries out for the cheerleading team... and for some reason "Sue" the coach.. seemed to be up to something by allowing Becky, who was far from perfect...the final position on her squad.. who was preparing for a national competition. Now this squad was made up of nothing but the best.. so why would Sue, this downright mean, cold hearted individual allow her team to be mocked by allowing a girl who was FAR from perfect join her squad? ...Later in the episode Sue says "You want me to treat this girl different, but what I see is a girl who just wants to be treated like everybody else" Fast forward to the end of the episode, we see Sue visiting her sister in the nursing home, who is also living her life day to day with down syndrome. It just goes to show, as much as you think you know someone... you really don't know who they are, or what they are up to. This is a great example of judging a book by it's cover. You think you know someone so well, when really you don't know the first thing about that person. We as human beings are complex individuals, we have emotions, feelings, and a past that makes us who we are today. Sue may put out this downright mean image, but at the end of the day.. she saw her sister in Becky, and gave Becky the chance her sister would of always loved to have.
It's amazing to see how people change. Today, while at lunch with a very special person in my life... we began discussing our lives over this past year... and how much we have changed from the beginning of the year till now. How we've both grown as individuals, and really have the other to thank for a lot of that. It was nice to sit and see someone else realize how much of an impact we have made on each other. More so the impact that he has made in my life. As humans we must go out and create change, before change creates us. As i sit here now in my bathrobe, reflecting on my day/week/month/year... I look at all that I was able to accomplish and would I be able to do this without going through the emotional roller coaster of ups and downs I have experienced this year... probably, but the people, events in my life made me who I am, and at the end of the day, today and everyday.. I feel like a stronger person for the things I've been through.
Change should always be for the better. Change should be something that makes us GROW into a more positive person. When relationships/friendships go sour people always say "People change" this is so true, but a lot of the times people change for the worse. I'm proud to say that lately, and hopefully for a long time, the changes I make in my life are positive ones. One of the biggest changes in my life this year, was my coming out. I came out at time when I felt was right, I was ready to share myself with my family, with my boyfriend, with the world. Before I could EVER share my life with anyone else.. I had to be able to accept who I was. And I did. Finally.
While at lunch today we also talked about how falling for someone is very easy to do, Falling in love with that person comes naturally, and is just as easy. Breaking up with someone you love must be the hardest thing to do, but allowing that person back in your life weather it be in a romantic way or not, is even harder. To view what you once had and question.. do I want to subject myself to this again? That is when you must turn to your heart and do what is right... could I honestly see my life without this person in it, in SOME way shape or form? Today I asked that question.. do I want to live a life without this person in it? And the answer was no. Being able to make amends with ex's, old friends who may have hurt you, family, etc.. is hard. very hard. but being able to turn to each other, and still know what the other is thinking after not seeing each other for months.. is something you don't let slip away.
After experiencing this year my first relationship, and being involved head over heels with someone who I still look up to till this day, someone who no matter what happened between us, I still want to see succeed in life, someone who I want to see reach for the stars and actually hit those goals.. someone who is a genuinely good person, who not enough credit was ever given to... someone who isn't like everybody else. I see why I fell in love with this man, I see why he is so well liked, I was able to step outside of our relationship and view what a truly amazing man I was blessed with this year to be a part of MY life. we must realize people like this do not come a long often, and when they do we must hold on to them for as long as possible. We are reminded daily by god himself the of the gifts he has given us, but the greatest gift.. is love. It is not enough to just share that love with the ones we hold dear. We must lear to open our hearts to not only those who we hold close, but to all humanity.
We must learn to be slow to judge others, but quick to forgive. We must show patience for one another, we must show our Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance, sing, and enjoy!
In our lives we must learn to defy gravity. We must learn to take a chance. Look out over the edge of that cliff and not second guess ourselves. just JUMP.
It's amazing to see how people change. Today, while at lunch with a very special person in my life... we began discussing our lives over this past year... and how much we have changed from the beginning of the year till now. How we've both grown as individuals, and really have the other to thank for a lot of that. It was nice to sit and see someone else realize how much of an impact we have made on each other. More so the impact that he has made in my life. As humans we must go out and create change, before change creates us. As i sit here now in my bathrobe, reflecting on my day/week/month/year... I look at all that I was able to accomplish and would I be able to do this without going through the emotional roller coaster of ups and downs I have experienced this year... probably, but the people, events in my life made me who I am, and at the end of the day, today and everyday.. I feel like a stronger person for the things I've been through.
Change should always be for the better. Change should be something that makes us GROW into a more positive person. When relationships/friendships go sour people always say "People change" this is so true, but a lot of the times people change for the worse. I'm proud to say that lately, and hopefully for a long time, the changes I make in my life are positive ones. One of the biggest changes in my life this year, was my coming out. I came out at time when I felt was right, I was ready to share myself with my family, with my boyfriend, with the world. Before I could EVER share my life with anyone else.. I had to be able to accept who I was. And I did. Finally.
While at lunch today we also talked about how falling for someone is very easy to do, Falling in love with that person comes naturally, and is just as easy. Breaking up with someone you love must be the hardest thing to do, but allowing that person back in your life weather it be in a romantic way or not, is even harder. To view what you once had and question.. do I want to subject myself to this again? That is when you must turn to your heart and do what is right... could I honestly see my life without this person in it, in SOME way shape or form? Today I asked that question.. do I want to live a life without this person in it? And the answer was no. Being able to make amends with ex's, old friends who may have hurt you, family, etc.. is hard. very hard. but being able to turn to each other, and still know what the other is thinking after not seeing each other for months.. is something you don't let slip away.
After experiencing this year my first relationship, and being involved head over heels with someone who I still look up to till this day, someone who no matter what happened between us, I still want to see succeed in life, someone who I want to see reach for the stars and actually hit those goals.. someone who is a genuinely good person, who not enough credit was ever given to... someone who isn't like everybody else. I see why I fell in love with this man, I see why he is so well liked, I was able to step outside of our relationship and view what a truly amazing man I was blessed with this year to be a part of MY life. we must realize people like this do not come a long often, and when they do we must hold on to them for as long as possible. We are reminded daily by god himself the of the gifts he has given us, but the greatest gift.. is love. It is not enough to just share that love with the ones we hold dear. We must lear to open our hearts to not only those who we hold close, but to all humanity.
We must learn to be slow to judge others, but quick to forgive. We must show patience for one another, we must show our Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance, sing, and enjoy!
In our lives we must learn to defy gravity. We must learn to take a chance. Look out over the edge of that cliff and not second guess ourselves. just JUMP.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Let down
In life people who we never thought would let us down, will. Relationships that we think are perfect will fall apart for reasons unknown. Acquaintances turn into friends, and friends can turn into enemies. Life has a funny way of working itself out... I remember reading "Life doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need, to help you, to hurt you, to love you, to leave you, and to make you into the person you were meant to be" I couldn't agree more. Someone who we may think is perfect for us may end up being the worst thing to happen to us, but life brought us together for reasons both of us are not sure of. We go on living life and find out the day we die who these people were, what the did for us, but at this point.. it's too late to thank them for making you, YOU
We have to learn to live life with no regrets. You should never regret something that once made you smile. You may not be proud of what happened or something you did, but never regret something that once brought you joy. As I sit and write, I think to myself.. Today, 6 years ago.. When my dad was sent to heaven.. I wonder what regrets he had in life. I wonder who let him down, who loved him, I wonder all the people my dad met over the years that shaped him to be the man I knew and loved.
Today is always an emotional day for me, But taking my own advice for once... I wanted to try and do something about that. I'm usually in a decent mood throughout the day, and everyone tells me how strong I am, or how well I'm holding up. I may seem like I'm okay.. and for the most part I am. I try not to dwell on the sad parts of my dads life, rather try and enjoy the good the day seems to bring. My dad was always an avid drinker of Mcdonalds Vanilla shakes.. or any vanilla shake in general. Sandra (my sister) recommended I swing by McDonalds and pick myself up a milk shake in his honor.. sadly I didn't.. Instead I opted for an ice cold budlight while I sit here and write. (budlight = another favorite of his). Things like that.. his favorite food, drink, etc make today turn from a sad day, to a day filled with memories. When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life you have 1000 reasons to smile.
Today on my commute I made it a point to swing by the cemetery and have a little chat with my dad. It's been a while since I paid him a visit.. On my way there, I thought WOW I haven't been to the cemetery in forever. Then I realized it's been a solid 2 months to the DATE since I've been to the cemetery.. I talk to my dad on a weekly/daily basis but usually only swing by the cemetery when something is bothering me and I need to just go somewhere.. pray, cry and just be alone. SO today, after work I swung by the cemetery.. as I pulled up, the sun was already setting, I could see two heart shaped balloons floating back and forth tied to his grave. For some reason these balloons stopped me in my tracks, and reminded me of the love my mother and him share. I took those 2 balloons as their two hearts.. tied together, still beating as one.
Sometimes life isn't as easy as sipping back a vanilla shake and remembering the good times, life is hard. There is no answer key, there is no rule book, there is just you. People who come in and out of our lives may give us hints and ideas as to what the answer to our life is, but really.. there isn't one. Today I woke up in an okay mood for what the day symbolized... but was still in somewhat of a funk. ...and no this funk had nothing to do with my previous night of drinking. I woke up just doubting people, knowing they were going to let me down. Nothing hurts more than having your hopes set so high for someone/something and IT just falling apart right before your eyes. Knowing once again you thought things could/would be different but they/it proved you wrong, again. They failed at making you happy. ...But what if we have our expectations set too high for other people? Well for the first time that I can remember in a long time... the high hopes that I had for someone today.. I shot them down, before this person even had the chance to prove me wrong/right. WELL.. they did. I had such high hopes and faith in someone today that they would reach out to me, in some way. And im proud to say.. the person who I know.. and the person who I care for so much.. did that. They did reach out. they proved me right :) literally... had me in shock, WHO AM I TO JUDGE SOMEONE? before judging them, I should judge myself and my actions.. look at myself and decide if this is really the person who I want to be.
So although someone may let you down over time, or you even let yourself down.. look and think.. did I set my own expectations too high? Sometimes the greatest surprises are the unexpected. So learn to live life day by day, don't take the moments you have for granted... you only have 86, 400 seconds in a day to, so make the most of it. And days when your not feeling yourself you always have family there to help you get through those rough patches in life. Family is the most important thing in life. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself. No matter who your family is, tell them you love them. don't let the seconds in the day go to waste being filled with hate, negative thoughts, or expectations set too high. In the end your only letting yourself down. Remember in life is not the number of breaths you take. It’s the number of moments that take your breath away.
We have to learn to live life with no regrets. You should never regret something that once made you smile. You may not be proud of what happened or something you did, but never regret something that once brought you joy. As I sit and write, I think to myself.. Today, 6 years ago.. When my dad was sent to heaven.. I wonder what regrets he had in life. I wonder who let him down, who loved him, I wonder all the people my dad met over the years that shaped him to be the man I knew and loved.
Today is always an emotional day for me, But taking my own advice for once... I wanted to try and do something about that. I'm usually in a decent mood throughout the day, and everyone tells me how strong I am, or how well I'm holding up. I may seem like I'm okay.. and for the most part I am. I try not to dwell on the sad parts of my dads life, rather try and enjoy the good the day seems to bring. My dad was always an avid drinker of Mcdonalds Vanilla shakes.. or any vanilla shake in general. Sandra (my sister) recommended I swing by McDonalds and pick myself up a milk shake in his honor.. sadly I didn't.. Instead I opted for an ice cold budlight while I sit here and write. (budlight = another favorite of his). Things like that.. his favorite food, drink, etc make today turn from a sad day, to a day filled with memories. When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life you have 1000 reasons to smile.
Today on my commute I made it a point to swing by the cemetery and have a little chat with my dad. It's been a while since I paid him a visit.. On my way there, I thought WOW I haven't been to the cemetery in forever. Then I realized it's been a solid 2 months to the DATE since I've been to the cemetery.. I talk to my dad on a weekly/daily basis but usually only swing by the cemetery when something is bothering me and I need to just go somewhere.. pray, cry and just be alone. SO today, after work I swung by the cemetery.. as I pulled up, the sun was already setting, I could see two heart shaped balloons floating back and forth tied to his grave. For some reason these balloons stopped me in my tracks, and reminded me of the love my mother and him share. I took those 2 balloons as their two hearts.. tied together, still beating as one.
Sometimes life isn't as easy as sipping back a vanilla shake and remembering the good times, life is hard. There is no answer key, there is no rule book, there is just you. People who come in and out of our lives may give us hints and ideas as to what the answer to our life is, but really.. there isn't one. Today I woke up in an okay mood for what the day symbolized... but was still in somewhat of a funk. ...and no this funk had nothing to do with my previous night of drinking. I woke up just doubting people, knowing they were going to let me down. Nothing hurts more than having your hopes set so high for someone/something and IT just falling apart right before your eyes. Knowing once again you thought things could/would be different but they/it proved you wrong, again. They failed at making you happy. ...But what if we have our expectations set too high for other people? Well for the first time that I can remember in a long time... the high hopes that I had for someone today.. I shot them down, before this person even had the chance to prove me wrong/right. WELL.. they did. I had such high hopes and faith in someone today that they would reach out to me, in some way. And im proud to say.. the person who I know.. and the person who I care for so much.. did that. They did reach out. they proved me right :) literally... had me in shock, WHO AM I TO JUDGE SOMEONE? before judging them, I should judge myself and my actions.. look at myself and decide if this is really the person who I want to be.
So although someone may let you down over time, or you even let yourself down.. look and think.. did I set my own expectations too high? Sometimes the greatest surprises are the unexpected. So learn to live life day by day, don't take the moments you have for granted... you only have 86, 400 seconds in a day to, so make the most of it. And days when your not feeling yourself you always have family there to help you get through those rough patches in life. Family is the most important thing in life. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself. No matter who your family is, tell them you love them. don't let the seconds in the day go to waste being filled with hate, negative thoughts, or expectations set too high. In the end your only letting yourself down. Remember in life is not the number of breaths you take. It’s the number of moments that take your breath away.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Hi Dad, It's me...
Hi dad, it's Joshua. Just wondering how things are with you. It's been 6 years since we've seen each other. Just wanted to check in and see what's new with you. I'm sure you've been following me real close these past few years. A LOT has changed in my life, wish you were here so we could talk about it, face to face. But until we see each other again, this will have to do.
I know you were never a fan of reading ( I remember when you were sick, and sitting on the couch someone brought you a book once and said it would help you pass the time... you looked up over your glasses and said READ? oh please. hahaha) But you were so thankful/grateful for the thought behind the gift. This letter is a little shorter than the book, so hopefully you can sit through this. =)
So since the day God decided that he needed you in heaven instead of here, there has been something that has been bothering me A LOT, and I need to get it off my chest. Today is Sunday October 18th, 6 years ago TODAY I helped Sandra and Mom carry you into the back of the van so you could make your journey into Boston. Hopefully someone there would know what was wrong with your leg. Hopefully I'd get to see you real soon, up and about, back to your old routine.. Those cows couldn't milk themselves! Although you and I would never "hugged it out" often, I remember as I shut the back door of the van... saying to you "Dad I love you, I'll see you soon.. I'll come and visit" and reaching to you and you held me in your arms and hugged me. The way a father should for his son. And off you went.. Little did I know that is the last human contact I would ever have with you. EVER.
That week was so busy for me between school, homework, a job, taking care of things here at the house.. It was a lot. But it was all going to be okay, you were coming home real soon. I remember going into school that Monday like nothing was wrong.. I would go right from school to work, just to keep myself busy... by the time I got home it was already too late to call the hospital and talk to you. I said to myself TOMORROW. I'll talk to him tomorrow! ...Tuesday came and went and I never called. TOMORROW I'll do it. Tomorrow I won't go to school, instead i'll drive to boston and see dad. Wednesday came.. I woke up with NO PLANS of going to school.. but something came up and off I went.. Maybe after school I'll go.. NOPE.. after school I had to run to work again. At work I thought.. WOW.. I haven't seen/spoken to my dad since SUNDAY. I really need to talk to him. I miss him. That night.. Wednesday October 22, 2003... I raced home from work.. no matter how late it was, I need to call dad. TONIGHT... I raced home to find the house(s) jam packed with cars, cars lining both sides of the street, I already knew what was going on. No one needed to tell me.
I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't. I ran next door to Scott and Dianes... I remember busting through that front door and seeing our entire family there. EVERYONE. aunts/uncles/cousins/etc.. I collapsed into tears. Scott came running to my rescue. he grabbed me and just held me. The reality was setting in. You were gone. The days that followed were such a blur. The wake, the funeral, seeing mom at the house... everything was just.. what i thought the most scariest nightmare I have ever had. except, this wasn't a nightmare. it was reality.
It's taken me 6 years to finally say this.. but, I'm sorry I never called, I'm sorry I never came and saw you that week in Boston, I'm sorry. Everybody else got to talk to you that day, earlier.. except for me. It's not a regret I'm holding on to... it's just.. I never thought sunday was going to be the last time I saw you. EVER. I know it's been 6 years.. but I'm sorry. I'm not going to even ask you to forgive me, because your my dad... this probably didn't even phase you the way it's been haunting me the past 6 years. I still have dreams to this day of you, of that week, of that month, of that year.
I know your watching over me and by my side all the time, So I won't even go into detail what's been going on in my life these past 6 years... but ESPECIALLY this past year. 2009 was destined to be a great year for me... It's surly had it's ups and downs, and defiantly moments of regrets, and things I am ashamed to say that I said/did to hurt others. But in the end 2009 was a life changing experience for me. and hey.. we still have 2 1/2 months left! God only knows what the future holds for me... But while your up there.. if could find a way to maybe pull a few little strings, that would be great. ;-)
Until we meet again dad, I love you. Talk to you soon. I can't believe this thursday will be 6 years since you had to leave us... I love you and miss you. Gotta run.
Love always, your son,
-Joshua
I know you were never a fan of reading ( I remember when you were sick, and sitting on the couch someone brought you a book once and said it would help you pass the time... you looked up over your glasses and said READ? oh please. hahaha) But you were so thankful/grateful for the thought behind the gift. This letter is a little shorter than the book, so hopefully you can sit through this. =)
So since the day God decided that he needed you in heaven instead of here, there has been something that has been bothering me A LOT, and I need to get it off my chest. Today is Sunday October 18th, 6 years ago TODAY I helped Sandra and Mom carry you into the back of the van so you could make your journey into Boston. Hopefully someone there would know what was wrong with your leg. Hopefully I'd get to see you real soon, up and about, back to your old routine.. Those cows couldn't milk themselves! Although you and I would never "hugged it out" often, I remember as I shut the back door of the van... saying to you "Dad I love you, I'll see you soon.. I'll come and visit" and reaching to you and you held me in your arms and hugged me. The way a father should for his son. And off you went.. Little did I know that is the last human contact I would ever have with you. EVER.
That week was so busy for me between school, homework, a job, taking care of things here at the house.. It was a lot. But it was all going to be okay, you were coming home real soon. I remember going into school that Monday like nothing was wrong.. I would go right from school to work, just to keep myself busy... by the time I got home it was already too late to call the hospital and talk to you. I said to myself TOMORROW. I'll talk to him tomorrow! ...Tuesday came and went and I never called. TOMORROW I'll do it. Tomorrow I won't go to school, instead i'll drive to boston and see dad. Wednesday came.. I woke up with NO PLANS of going to school.. but something came up and off I went.. Maybe after school I'll go.. NOPE.. after school I had to run to work again. At work I thought.. WOW.. I haven't seen/spoken to my dad since SUNDAY. I really need to talk to him. I miss him. That night.. Wednesday October 22, 2003... I raced home from work.. no matter how late it was, I need to call dad. TONIGHT... I raced home to find the house(s) jam packed with cars, cars lining both sides of the street, I already knew what was going on. No one needed to tell me.
I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't. I ran next door to Scott and Dianes... I remember busting through that front door and seeing our entire family there. EVERYONE. aunts/uncles/cousins/etc.. I collapsed into tears. Scott came running to my rescue. he grabbed me and just held me. The reality was setting in. You were gone. The days that followed were such a blur. The wake, the funeral, seeing mom at the house... everything was just.. what i thought the most scariest nightmare I have ever had. except, this wasn't a nightmare. it was reality.
It's taken me 6 years to finally say this.. but, I'm sorry I never called, I'm sorry I never came and saw you that week in Boston, I'm sorry. Everybody else got to talk to you that day, earlier.. except for me. It's not a regret I'm holding on to... it's just.. I never thought sunday was going to be the last time I saw you. EVER. I know it's been 6 years.. but I'm sorry. I'm not going to even ask you to forgive me, because your my dad... this probably didn't even phase you the way it's been haunting me the past 6 years. I still have dreams to this day of you, of that week, of that month, of that year.
I know your watching over me and by my side all the time, So I won't even go into detail what's been going on in my life these past 6 years... but ESPECIALLY this past year. 2009 was destined to be a great year for me... It's surly had it's ups and downs, and defiantly moments of regrets, and things I am ashamed to say that I said/did to hurt others. But in the end 2009 was a life changing experience for me. and hey.. we still have 2 1/2 months left! God only knows what the future holds for me... But while your up there.. if could find a way to maybe pull a few little strings, that would be great. ;-)
Until we meet again dad, I love you. Talk to you soon. I can't believe this thursday will be 6 years since you had to leave us... I love you and miss you. Gotta run.
Love always, your son,
-Joshua
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Wash away...
I believe in life, every choice we make leads us onto a new path. Much like those books we all read as kids where you get to choose your own adventure. I believe our lives are much like those choose your own adventure books. Sometimes no matter how hard you try and pick the path that might seem to be the right one... in the end it still comes back and bites you in the ass somehow. (Or at least the books I read...I would always die early on)
This past week, my life seemed to be a never ending "choose your own adventure" book. I have never felt stretched so thin emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I just feel like this past week I was at wits end with everybody and everything. Every choice I made seemed to "hit me" emotionally. I just couldn't deal with it. Or could I? How much will God give us before he thinks.. "oh okay.. that's enough for him this week". But that's the thing.. God will never give us something we can't deal with. He made us all individuals, and knows what we can/can not deal with.
I've learned not to question his actions so much, but deal with what has been given to me. As much as it hurts to see things/people around you change and you have no control over it is very nerve wracking especially for someone like myself who use to think life was ALWAYS black and white and everything has an answer. Only until recently have I looked at life as a full spectrum of colors vs. Black/white. Who would of thought? A creative individual like myself thinking the world is just black and white, BOY WAS I WRONG. Unfortunately I may have hurt and offended many people I'm sure with my views on life, but if any of them are reading this now, I'd like to let you know... I'm sorry.
Someone once told me a story about a boy who would constantly lose his temper as a child. Every time he lost his temper the boys father told him to take a nail and hammer it into the fence. Every time the boy lost his temper he would do this. Eventually he got tired of hammering away at this fence and learned to control his temper. Once he learned to control his temper the boys father told him, every day that goes by and you don't lose your temper I want you to take a nail OUT of the fence until there are no more nails left. Once all the nails were removed the father took the boy by the hand, brought him to the fence and told him... "you see son, the nails are the things you said and did to hurt people, the fence is their heart...you can say your sorry and apologize and mean it, but the damage is already done. You have left a permanent hole in the fence, and in their heart." Why should we go through life just saying and doing what we want, only to say we're sorry later and everything will be okay? It's not right. We have all been the fence, and we have all driven many nails into other fences.
Lately I've been having trouble dealing with the pain that I have caused others thinking of all the holes I left in their fence with my nails. I'm not really looking for forgiveness or love, but more so just assurance... assurance they know the things I did, we have all done to each other. At one point or another we can all look back and pinpoint moments in our life when we have felt like the Fence AND the Nail. We all deserve a second chance in life.
Someone very close to me throughout my teenage years had a second chance, a third chance, a forth chance, a fifth chance, a sixth chance... They had more chances than anyone I know. But instead of looking at their own flaws/faults it was easier to just NAIL another hole into my fence. It lasted years, until I finally decided this "fence" couldn't stand on it's own anymore and just blocked that person out of my life. For a long time.
Having been hurt emotionally, I started to isolate myself from the rest of reality. I found a new home/social life online. I started talking with teens around the world with similar interests to mine. This new virtual life of mine started off as a hobby on the side, until literally I found myself online 4-8 hours at a time, if not more chatting with teens around the world, meeting the same people online night after night. We became a small family. They were here just as much as I was. Most of us were on the east coast and would race home from class, forget homework, hop online... eat, drink, sleep at our desks... and just talk, joke, laugh with each other day in and day out. I started to learn more and more about these people... they were just like me, needed somewhere to go, something to do, we just wanted to be accepted. We eventually all started to exchange emails, phone numbers, facebooks etc. Our chats use to range from silly topics like new cars, computers, Wendys baconator (anything bacon for that matter) to more serious topics like relationships, loss of a loved one, etc.
I remember 2 years after my dad died I logged in and someone who I've been very sociable with sent me a message asking me how I was holding up today. Mind you this person and I talked literally EVERY DAY for the past year ("Z") ... and he had his own things to worry about like midterms and grad school... but he remembered it was the anniversary of my dads death. This "virtual world" started to become real. Joshua and my online alter-ego "Jay" were now one person. Things going on in my life at that time that I didn't think I could deal with "Jay" would come out at night and share them with a complete group of strangers and got the comfort I needed.
I remember one day having one of the worst days in a long time. I was online chatting with "Z", "PR", "Kiddo" and a few others... when someone new came into the picture, "Mikey". Mikey wasn't like the rest... he was different. For some reason this person intrigued me. Actually, we ended up becoming really great friends and as fate would have it, ended up meeting in person one day. Sometimes people don't know how much of an impact they have on your life until you tell them. I think Mikey knows how much he means to me, but if not... I want to let him know if it wasn't for him, I would of never of had the courage to do half the things I've done this past year, and probably wouldn't be the person I am now. Mikey and I are still friends till this day, we still see each other all the time out and about at the bars, we still hang out every now and then. He is just one of the most caring, fun, warm-hearted people I have ever met. He is always good for a decent drink, a great laugh, and a good time. ACTUALLY... I think out of all the time's I've ever been "DRUNK" he accounts for MOST of them. hahahaha. But that's how the nights went.. we'd laugh, drink and forget our pains and enjoy each others company. I love that guy.
But not everyone in life is like Mikey. We aren't all lucky enough to have a Mikey in our life to get us back on the right foot, sometimes we need to do it all for ourselves. Recently someone who I consider to be really close to me is starting a whole new chapter of their life and I am amazed at how they are doing it. This person is very much independent to themselves and doesn't EVER ask for help from anyone. They are about to take on the biggest challenge of their life, and I'm amazed at how they are doing so far. I am their biggest fan, they know that... I can only hope when they need help or a shoulder to cry on, or a person to just vent to when it becomes too much... hopefully they know where I am, hopefully they know I'm their Mikey.
Mikey helped me deal with a lot of the pain I had these past few years...
This might be a tradition... Not sure yet, but I'm going to try and end each blog post with a song that reminds me of my current mood, or relates to the story some how...
We all have troubles in life, we all have problems we are dealing with.. We all wish we could just wash them all away, but they make us who we are. This song "Wash Away" by Joe Purdy is just a feel good song. and I heard it today while at work and it kind of just stuck with me.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Such. Great. Heights.
Today I have a LATER start to my day. As I sit here with my morning coffee reading everyones posts on my newsfeed, I realize every day in life we are ALL celebrating different things, or each facing our own struggles for THAT day.
People are prepping for big presentations, class, work, day off... others are celebrating life, anniversaries, vacations, birthdays, others are mourning loss, loss of a boyfriend/girlfriend because of a breakup, others are mourning the death of a best friend, others are mourning the loss of themselves.
Next month marks 6 years since my father has passed, and ONLY this past year have I decided to truly, honestly, looked deep down inside and actually face the reality.
Early this year (January) I started for the first time to deal with the pain of losing a loved one. Having to look at yourself in the mirror and try and figure out what TRULY is bothering you and hurting you is hard to do, for anyone. The loss of my father isn't the only thing that was bothering me over the years, and it seems like all the pain of EVERYTHING came all at once. Losing someone you love, trying to find out who you are as a person and having someone betray and take advantage of the trust you instilled in them, and finally finding a way to look at yourself as a person, and decide what you wanted in life... was HARD to do, but worth every minute, day, tear, heartache, fight, dream, nightmare.
Earlier this year I met someone who made me realize that I am a beautiful person inside, and out. Somebody actually took interest in my feelings, and for the first time... I let my guard down, and let someone else into my life of solitude. Actually, he is the reason I am still alive today. This person knows who he is, and knows the impact he had on my life. I just want to thank him personally for what he was able to do for me over this past year. I love this person more than they will ever know, and a day doesn't go by that I think and pray all his hopes and dreams become a reality, the same way mine are slowly becoming realities.
Over the past 8 months of my life I have experienced so much in life, things I never thought I would be able to experience. True Love, life, happiness, excitement, joy, and hundreds of other emotions I never thought i was even worthy of deserving.
My life took a major change this past Winter/Spring. I decided coming out to my family was something I had to do. Having these feelings built up inside for 10 years on how my family would react, or if they would accept me... kind of all went away, because I was happy with who I was, so they should be too. Right? Right. They were. Coming out to my sisters was my first step. Being approached by my older sister via an AIM Msg saying she saw pictures of me out and about.. kind of opened the flood gates and made it a little easier to talk about. But just because the gates were open and people knew, didn't mean I was ready 100% to open up and tell the world.
A full month went by before I even brought it up to my little sister. My little sister was not only my little sister, but one of my best friends. I love both of my sisters but because Amanda and I are closer in age, and just shared a lot more common interests I found it harder to come out to her than I did to Sandra. Afraid Amanda was going to betray me, or up and leave me (the way others in my life have.. weather it be ACTUALLY up and leaving, or leaving/checking out emotionally) I couldn't be more wrong. As we sat one day out to lunch in newport, she turned to me.. grabbed my hand across the table and said "Josh, your my brother and that's all I know, I love you no matter what" A single tear rolled down my face as I finished my slice of garlic bread pizza, I thought to myself.. WOW.. if Amanda can accept me, and can make me feel this good about myself. What am I so afraid of? This is who I am, this is who I've always been. Everyone loves me already, so why should that change?
As I entered my first relationship, I decided I didn't want to hide this from the person who means the most to me: Mom. It was time to tell her the truth, EVERYTHING.
To sit your mom down and tell her your gay is one thing. To sit your mom down and tell her your not only gay, but work at a gay bar, and already dating someone.. is a lot for any parent to take. ESPECIALLY a off the boat portuguese mom. :)
The outpour of support I received from her, was unreal. The questions that followed weren't questions that I thought she would ask... I thought she would ask things like how long have I known, How do I feel, who else knows, etc. Instead, she didn't skip a beat, she follows up with.. OH? Is that why you have all those new pairs of underwear? lol, yes mom it is. She immediately started to apologize for anything she has ever said or did that I might of taken offense to (like saying my skin tight black jeans make me look like a fairy) We sat there, cried, laughed it off and told her I'm proud of who I am, and am not afraid to live my life, as ME.
Since April, my life to me has been everything i dreamed it couldn't be. filled with happiness, joy, love.. things that I never thought I could ever experience in life. but sometimes when something is too good to be true we begin to question ourselves instead of just letting life happen. We decide that for once we like the way our life is going, and we never thought we would be able to experience this.. if WE think we were never meant to feel this way, than why do we feel this way? to meet someone who seems to be the perfect piece to your puzzle, in so many ways, is it meant to be true? or is this just a beautiful nightmare? when life seems to get a little out of hand, or we're unhappy with life, we at least have that person to curl up in bed with and smile, and be happy with. But what do you do when your best friend, your soulmate is gone in a moments notice... who do you turn to? Sure we all have that friend we can turn to, but that person doesn't know EVERYTHING the way your soulmate did. who do you turn to when the person you want, and need the most in life just.. isn't there anymore.
WHO DO YOU TURN TO? Losing a friend, brother, father, sister, mother, lover, etc, to death is always hard to do. I know first hand. My dad and I never had the closest relationship simply because he worked hard 24/7 to make sure his 3 children and beautiful wife had everything they could ever want. ...but he was still my father and I loved him with all my heart. If i could change one thing about my past, it would be to have my father around to tell him I'm gay, and introduce him to the new and improved joshua. Granted I know he can see from heaven how I'm doing.... and with everything going on in my life lately, I know he's right here by my side listing to me every night as I cry myself to sleep, as i wake up at 3-4am from the god awful nightmares that seem to never end. I know he's here.
But what do you do when the person who you want to share all this with hasn't passed they are still here.. living life day to day? ...what do you do? You can only hope that one day they need you the same way you need them. and for everyone who has already found that perfect person in their lives, congrats. if you think even for the slightest moment in time that you found that person, but let them go.. GET THEM BACK. do whatever it takes to get that person back in your life.. you need them, and they probably need you too. For those of us still looking for that perfect person to spend the rest of our lives with.. only time will tell.. just never give up hope.
I sure haven't.
sometimes it takes the lost of a love one for us to open our eyes and realize what we're missing in life, what we love about life, and what we want to change. Sometimes people say things like "live life to the fullest, tell the ones you love that you love them every day, never go to bed angry" but how many people really do those things? and how many people just SAY those things because it sounds good, or looks good in a journal entry, or sounds like advice we'd like to hear said to ourselves?
This post wasn't written for everyone to comment "OH JOSH I LOVE YOU YOUR AMAZING" or ANYTHING like that. It was written because it's simply how I feel and just wanted to share a little bit with everyone as to what makes joshua, joshua.
feel free to interpret this in any way you want. I can only hope the people that mean the most to me find this note, read it, and hope it reaches them on a personal level. some how.
and hey, I love you
.
I leave you with this, an oldie but goodie: http://www.youtube.com/wat
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