The $5 Umbrella.

Every now and then something strikes me that I just have to write about and then I remember, I have this blog for a reason and sometimes it pays to put it to good use. Over the weekend I had the pleasure of trekking down to NYC to visit a good friend of mine for a quick weekend get away to the city. It was your typical gay weekend.. bar hopping, dinners, gay brunches (it's never just brunch, it's always gay brunch), shopping, a show, etc etc etc.

As I enjoyed my weekend in the city, we were getting ready to head out Saturday night for a night on the town and were contemplating bringing jackets and umbrellas with us. Me, being the stubborn new englander I am, I made the snap decision that we didn't need umbrellas or a jacket. It was just rain.. and besides only a 60% chance at that. We headed out for the night got through dinner, got through the show, trekked over to our first bar of the night and yet, not a chance of rain. Actually, if I recall it was BEAUTIFUL out, seemed to of gotten warmer. As we finished our first drink we noticed a group of boys who were apparently just as stubborn as myself entering the bar drenched. The apartment was too far away to run back and get an umbrella so the easiest thing to do was to run from awning to awning, store front to store front until we came across a convenience store. We ducked into the first store we could and this is where I learned about the new york $5 umbrella.

Any New Yorker or visitor of the great city has come across a $5 umbrella at one point in their life, either they had to purchase one themselves or they have seen the mangled metal bodies littering the streets. These umbrellas, although may look like your typical umbrella, I can assure you they are NOT. These umbrellas I swear are designed to last an hour, tops. I even joked saying they were equipped to self destruct and implode on themselves 2 hours after being opened for the first time. Believe it or not, that umbrella lasted me all night. I thought I must of been lucky and got one they forgot to "arm".

The next morning, we headed out for gay brunch and some daytime shopping. The winds were heavy, the rain was pouring. My umbrella, although almost having a moment of self-imploading after a strong gust of wind, still was able to withhold the test of the mean streets of NYC. After withholding rain all day, I packed up my bags and headed to the bus to come home to MA. After my goodbyes I headed out early giving myself plenty of time to hail a cab and make it to the bus 1/2 hour before scheduled. As I stood there in the rain I noticed everyone around me with their big fancy umbrellas which when compared to mine, cost them 10 times as much and was doing a poor job at protecting them from the now windy sideways blowing rain storm that was hitting us head on. As the rain subsided for a moment, I stood there shivering, alone, reflecting on a great weekend. When I noticed something unusual, the rain started to seep through the nylon fabric of the umbrella. I stood there curbside surrounded by a sea of twisted cheap aluminum frame corpses slowly separating from their already partially shredded nylon skins. My bus was now late, I'm now wet, cold and realizing although this person standing next to me umbrella may LOOK the same, there's a difference in quality.

In life you are given the choice, the choice to be the $5 umbrella or to be the $50 umbrella. Although both may look the same from the outside, it's about quality. Quality of life, quality of design, quality of strength. The $5 umbrella serves a purpose in life. Although that life may be short lived, it lived a life nonetheless. If something that cost only $5 was going to protect me from an April NYC shower/storm then why are there even umbrellas being sold in department stores for 10x the price? Chances are it's too good to be true. Regardless, I wanted to believe in my $5 bargain, I wanted to believe I beat mother nature.

As I start a new chapter of my life, I sit here in a remotely empty apartment sitting by candle light, sipping a freshly brewed cup of coffee wondering about the other aspects of my life that could benefit from a quality umbrella. Have I made the right choices in life or did I push hard work and dedication aside for the cheap $5 version of life? Is this even what I want? Is this my dream? Although I think it's near impossible to have a midlife crisis at the age of 25 I sit back and look at my friends, my career, my lifestyle, my family, my love life and wonder... Is this the best that I could possibly get or is this the $5 version waiting to self-implode?

Never settle for 2nd best, never settle for B-grade, never settle for the $5 umbrella. The truth of the matter is, everyday we are one day closer to death, one day closer to the end. Live your life to the fullest, make each day count, make each day better than the last. Chase your dreams, make them happen for yourself. Tell your friends and family you love them, make a change in your life for the better. I truly believe you create your own destination in life. As much as I like to live life on the edge, on a whim, on the fly... Sometimes it pays to step back, plan your life for YOU and realize.. sometimes 60% chance of rain means just that.. 60% chance of rain. You can plan ahead and bring your jacket and umbrella with you on the journey of life and prepare yourself for what's ahead or you can risk it, end up cold, wet, alone, and $5 poorer. Make the choice for yourself, but this weekend I promised myself to never be the $5 umbrella version of myself again. There comes a point where you grab life by the metal nylon covered horns and run with it. I'm running.

25.

If I learned anything about myself not only the over the past year or so, but over the course of my lifetime I'd say the lesson most important to me is to laugh. Laugh often, laugh hard, laugh loud and laugh proud. Make me laugh and I'll love you forever. Many people know that when my birthday month starts to creep up on me, I tend to be high strung, in a bad mood (often) and just over all depressed. Even if we are in the middle of the summer, my favorite time of the year, the sun is shining, my skin perfectly sun kissed, the windows are down, the sunroof open, the music blaring.. it just isn't enough for me.

After a rocky start to the month of July I decided it's not worth it anymore. There is absolutely no reason why I should ever be in a bad mood, after all.. the only person allowing myself to be in a bad mood is me. After spending a weekend out in the sun, sharing it with the people I love the most, I realized birthdays just aren't about getting a little older or focusing on all the things you wanted to accomplish the year before, it's about celebrating life. celebrating YOU.

So this year, as the big 2-5 approaches, now that I'm a quarter century old.. I look back and yes, I may not be where I thought Joshua at 25 would be at... but hey, I love the person I've become, I love where my life is going, I love waking up to friends and family that love me for who I am and I love me most of all. To hear people tell you how much they love you, or how much of an impact you have had on their life or even just to hear "you always make me laugh/smile" makes my day. Knowing that I'm having a positive impact on someones life just by being a part of it makes me a better and stronger person.

Below I leave you all with this, a list of 25 things I've learned about myself and life:


1. Family will always be the most important thing in my life.
2. Forgiveness is for yourself and no one else.
3. To share your insecurities with others will only make them love you more, not less.
4. Through life's busy schedule, be sure to always include time for yourself.
5. In a world run by technology, nothing is as satisfying as a tweet, text or wall post knowing that someone is thinking about you at that exact moment in time.
6. Find a partner who loves you as much as you love and respect yourself. Happiness is sure to ensue.
7. There is something to be said for looking back on life and thinking "wow I was a dumbass" but now, view that moment and just laugh at it.
8. Friendships can be sparked at a moments notice and can last a lifetime.
9. Own it. own up to your actions, no matter what they may be.
10. You are in charge of your own happiness.
11. A healthy body will lead to a healthy life.
12. Random acts of kindness never go unnoticed. You just made a complete strangers day.
13. I'm proud of the man I am.
14. If you are honest and tell the truth, you will never have to remember a lie.
15. Removing yourself from your comfort zone is a good thing.
16. Drama, no matter who said it, who shared it, who did it.. It's just not worth it. It will never make you happy.
17. People do change.
18. Inspire yourself. Inspire others.
19. Unplug your life, become a child again: play a board game, jump in a puddle, sing in the rain.
20. Rock bottom isn't always a bad thing. Rock bottom is the moment in life when you decide to change yourself, for better. I've hit rockbottom before and have been looking up ever since.
21. It does get better.
22. You are NEVER alone.
23. Love: Love hard. Love everyone. Love yourself.
24. Laugh a lot, often, hard and loud.
25. and last but not least.. I'm FUCKING AMAZING.

Thank you all for being apart of my life and making me who I am today. I am me because of you! You all inspire me on a daily basis and I'm so proud to call you all my friends, my family, my life. Happy 25th Birthday to me.. but this day isn't just about celebrating my life, t's about celebrating you, you are all apart of me and my life <3

Ready. Set. Change.

New Year, New Me.

This blog might be 11 days late.. but so be it. As 2010 drew to a close I looked back on my year as many of us do and was grateful for so much. 2010 proved to be a year of growth for me. A year where I had to dig deep inside, find out who Joshua was and really let myself be free to be who I want to be. 2010 brought on new friendships, dissolved others, strengthened my ties with my family A LOT less partying and A LOT more volunteer and positive spirits.

Anybody that knows me/works with me knows that in the morning I'm always groggy , they are always long, and no matter what I did I could never get up in time and had the most bizarre sleep patterns known to man. Somedays sleeping 1-2 hours at the most on a work night simply because the amount of information that was on my mind couldn't even be fathomed with by most. One day as I was headed to work I really began to question what I was even doing with my life. What was the point of the same routine day in and day out. The Josh that everybody grew to love, including myself was gone. Where was that fun, carefree spirit who always put a smile on peoples faces when he walked into a room, where was that josh who was always cracking a joke or willing to bend over backwards for anybody and everybody simply because thats just who he was. HE WAS GONE. He was replaced with Josh who was filled with negative energy, a negative outlook on life and would purposely find the negative in life just to find a reason to be sad.

In October, I loss someone very dear to me, my grandmother. She was always able to put a smile on my face. She was to me what I was for so many other people, for so long. That much needed smile after a rough day. Reaching out to friends at this difficult time helped me not only overcome this curveball life threw at me, but also allowed me to weed out those that didn't matter. Those who left me with nothing but empty and broken promises. Those who have been nothing but negative energies in my life. It was time for them to move on and OUT of my life. I know we were never promised that life would be easy. Trust me, I know we are all born, and we all will die. But not all of us will LIVE. From that moment on I decided to live my life for ME and those that I love, not for anyone else. If it wasn't for the tragedy of my grandmother or the miracle of strength my uncle who was deathly sick, overcame. I don't know if I would be where I am now.

Oct-Dec is always a rough time for me. Starting out with the anniversary of my fathers death, now my grandmother and then the holidays. This year through everything, I was able to see the joy in life. After months of waiting, I was finally paired with my "little brother" through the big brothers/big sisters organization and have been showing a young boy what life is really all about and how to not take things for granted. I was able to find joy in volunteering my time on both Thanksgiving and Christmas at the homeless shelter and give to those who have so little. As a family we decided on not doing gifts this year and helping out those more in need. By doing this I was able to do my part in spreading a little holiday cheer around the mall by surprising random shoppers with a gift card to dunkin for them to sit back, relax and just enjoy life for a moment. Life is about relishing in the moment. Living it to the fullest. People often ask me WHY I do the things I do and I always simply answer "I don't know.. I just wanted to".

As new years eve approached I spent the day discussing with co-workers possible resolutions for 2011 and how we'd probably all fail by Jan 15th anyways, so what's the point of even making them? But that night, as I headed to work at the bar... I thought about what resolutions would I make for 2011 that I'm willing to keep and work on... As the ball dropped and I stood there alone... I realized there is no reason to make a resolution for the new year. If I wanted something in my life to change then I'm going to do it NOW because I want to. Not because it's a new year and I'm supposed to.

And those resolutions may remain a secret with me forever, but know this.. I never believed people when they said you must love yourself before you can love anybody else. I always found that to be a cop-out. But really, for the first time in forever I can really say I do love myself. And I'm proud of the person I've become, I'm proud of my attitude and outlook on life. My life is no longer about making everyone else a priority. For the first time, it's about me and what I want. Putting myself first is probably the smartest thing I could of ever done. I plowed through 2010 begging to be in a relationship. Someone to hold and to love and care for every day and night... when really now, I look back and HOT DAMN.. thank god I was alone. It gave me the time to grow into who I am now.

We might only be 11 days into the new year, but something tells me 2011 is going to be a great year. No more worrying if a boy is going to return my call/text. Clearly he's not worth my time. No more asking why things didn't work out the way I thought they were going to. No more drama. No more lies. Just me, Josh. I was born this way, this is who I am. It took me 24 years to realize who that person is... but damn let me tell you.. he's a pretty legit guy. ;)

So as you read this I ask you.. take a moment to yourself, forget about everyone else. Forget about all the drama in your life. Forget about Britney and her newest single. Forget about your ex and how their new boyfriend is clearly a downgrade. Forget about how shitty of a day you had. Forget about your bills. Forget about all the problems in the world. Focus on you, for a minute. What do you want to do with your life? Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? How happy do you want to be?

Make the changes this year that you want to see in yourself. You enter this world alone and leave the same way. While you're here make the most of it, sit back and enjoy the ride. I never said it was going to be easy and I never said it was going to be fun. But if I can do it, so can you. Slowly the old Josh is making his way back and this time he isn't fucking around. He's here to stay.

Create & Believe

We've had our laughs
We've had our tears
We've had our ups
We've had our downs.
We've had our smiles.
We've had our frowns.
We've had our love.
We've had our fears.

We have our family.
We have our faith.
We have your guidance.
We have your strength.
We have your love.

You taught us right from wrong.
You taught us words to our favorite song.
You made me smile when no one else would.
You made me dinner, like no one else could.

An angel you've become.
A memory you'll always be.
A blessing in my daily prayer.
I know you're watching from up there.

If losing someone close to me has taught me anything it's to learn how to forgive. Both my dad and my grandmother were very forgiving people. Yesterday on the anniversary of my fathers passing I stopped by the cemetery to pay him a little visit, sit and talk with him.. share my thoughts and feelings about what's going on in my life lately. As i wrapped things up with my father I headed home to emotionally prepare myself for another loss.

Today while at breakfast catching up with one of my dearest friends I got the phone call informing me that my grandmother had past. Emotionally I was okay. I knew she was in a better place. If my grandmother taught me anything it was to enjoy the simple things in life. As a child I remember painting over my grandmothers house. I remember grabbing a bucket of water and a paintbrush.. heading outside and splashing the water over the concrete wall and "painting". Using my imagination to make the pictures I was painting come alive. I remember cleaning out her cupboards and using every grocery I could find to play supermarket with my sisters and cousins. I remember there not being any toys, games, etc at her house.. but yet.. it's where we had the most fun as children. She taught me to use my imagination and to look beyond what was already there. She inspired me to CREATE and to BELIEVE. My creativity and beliefs are two things I hold dear to me. always. I thank my grandmother for instilling this creativity in me at such a young and impressionable age.

She showed us grandchildren that life can't be all that bad.
She showed us there is light at the end of every tunnel.
She was strong when everyone else was weak.
She had faith in her children, grandchildren and in others.
Her smile made others happy.
Her laughter could cure any bad mood.

She truly was an amazing individual and I know she is not gone forever, I know she's in a better place. When I look up in the sky at night... I know she is watching over me just like my dad and my aunt and all those who have gone before her. She said her goodbyes. She held on and fought a good fight. She lived a long, strong, happy and healthy life... But god needed her.. and off she went.

It's never goodbye, it's see you soon. Until we meet again, I know you're up there shining down on me and our family.

<3

Life Support.

There are times in life when the people around us, our friends, family and coworkers become the life support in which we rely on to live. I remember back when I was a senior in high school and losing my father was one of the most difficult things that I ever had to deal with and at times felt like I couldn't physically push any further, I couldn't walk another step, I couldn't eat a thing in sight, I had nothing to live for. If it wasn't for my life support I would of died at that point in my own life. Having cousins, aunts and uncles, friends, family, coworkers gather around me to check on me and make sure I was eating, make sure I was sleeping, doing everything in their power to make sure I was okay, both emotionally and physically helped me push through one of the darkest moments in my life.

I think back to the life support I've been for others... I've always had a particular difficult time dealing with my emotions and at times tend to lash out on the ones I love the most, just to give them a reason to be mad at me so I wouldn't feel bad if I wasn't there emotionally for them when they needed me the most. Over the years I have learned how to control my emotions, put them aside and be there for someone when they needed it the most. Something as simple as surprising someone at work with flowers after a bad break-up, buying someone a meal or a coffee and using it as an excuse to just TALK to them so they could open up to you because you could clearly see the pain behind their eyes, as they stare at you in a gaze. Something as simple as an "I love you" text message to your significant other during a particular rough time in their life. A few words of encouragement to a sibling when they needed it the most. All prime examples of how we can be the support system someone else needs.

I remember coming out to my family and how emotional that was for me. Having a boyfriend who supported my decision and to keep our relationship a secret from my family until I was ready to come out was defiantly the strongest support system for me at that time. Having friends who knew and were still there for me like they were before I came out to them. Coming out and admitting I was gay was something that I struggled with for almost 10 years. At times I just wanted to shout out "I'M GAY" the words were there, on the tip of my tongue.. they were just never spoken. I remember feeling at another one of my all time lows in life.. right before I came out. I was living a double life. I had my "straight life" which my family and coworkers knew of.. and then I had my "gay life" which involved a job at a club, my new group of gay friends, and really.. a whole new scene for me... in which I felt comfortable for the first time in my own skin. Coming out gave me the strength I needed to get off of life support and live my life strong, healthy and with a positive outlook.

We could analyze every moment in our life when we feel like others were there for us when we needed it the most, but honestly.. we are there for each other in our daily lives whether we know it or not.

In recent months someone who was always able to put a smile on my face no matter what was going on, became terminally ill.. My grandmother. She's a firecracker alright. (A portuguese firecracker that is) As I sat by her bed side today and she grabbed my hand and held it.. no words were uttered, I knew exactly what she was trying to say and how she was saying it. To see her eyes open up from a deep sleep. hold my hand, grab it and just smile.. I knew it was her way of saying goodbye. I will always remember her amazing cooking, her amazing attitude, her jokes, all the jokes she let me play on her, walking her down the aisle of my aunts wedding, spending my child hood at her house every weekend with my sisters and her letting us do what ever we wanted because we were her grandchildren. The list of memories goes ON and ON and ON. No one will or can make kale soup quite like her. She's the only one who can give Venus De Milo a run for their money and their coveted soup, and Don't even get me started on her meat and potatoes and homemade bread.

As I sat there I learned, well I should say came to realization with.. I am TOTALLY a product of my grandmother... there are two things she loves and craves more than anything else. McDonalds cheeseburgers and Dunkin Donuts coffee. Like grandmother like grandson. :)

As the sand falls in the hourglass of her life... and these months turned to weeks, and now what could be days... I was left with one final memory of my grandmother. As I sat there this evening holding her hand she kept saying "did you drink my coffee?" and I would simply respond "No Vavo.. it's still here" she would just smile and say "Oh you can have it". Minutes later she would ask again with a little smirk on her face.. "did you drink my coffee yet? it's there for you." I'd respond "Ok vavo, I drank it" she just turned and looked at me with a face of "GOOD" But knowing my grandmother... I know her to well.. she kept asking me if I drank the coffee because she wanted coffee but didn't want anyone to go through the trouble of making it for her.. So we asked her "since I drank the coffee, do you want me to make some more for you?" her smile is all I needed. As I got up to get her coffee I realized we both like it the same way. Dark. A little milk. and LOTS of sugar. Even as she sipped her coffee as I held the cup out for her she would turn and say "did you even put sugar in this?" :)

From now on.. every time I get a coffee Dark, with milk and extra sugar.. my vavo will ALWAYS be the first thing that comes to mind... and this is exactly how I want to end things with her, on a positive note, with a positive memory. That was our way of saying goodbye. We're two stubborn portuguese ladies who will ALWAYS get our way. ;)

As I walk down that aisle of the church, whenever it may be.. carrying her in that casket.. I will celebrate the amazing life she had, and all the amazing memories she gave me. I love you Vavo <3

Deep Breaths...

When life seems to get harder and harder with every waking moment...
When your work load seems to get heavier and heavier by the minute...
When you feel you've reached the point of no return...
When you want to cry because you've done all that you can...
When the years turn to days and the days turn to hours and minutes...
When night becomes day again...
When something you love leaves and never comes back...
When death claims the life of someone you love...
When someone else takes from you what was yours...
When you let go hoping someone will catch you...
When THE END is really THE END...
When pictures begin to fade...
When happiness turns to sadness...
When memories turn from happiness to anger...

When life gives you all that you can take until you can't take any more, remember deep breaths.

Think about it.

The baggage we carry in our daily life can cause us to have such a negative outlook on life, but sometimes life isn't happy, and your allowed to be sad. Sometimes life isn't black and white. At one point I thought everything was as simple as yes/no. black white. I learned the hard way there are grey areas. Only once we have learned about these grey areas can we move on in life. We carry baggage around with us on a day to day basis. Baggage can be anything from our past relationships, our lives, our families, children, etc... Our emotional baggage can cause us to have such a negative view on life and hurt the ones we love the most. Spouses. Bf/Gf's. Friends. Family. Coworkers. etc. We must learn to empty our suitcases before packing for our next big trip. We must learn to forgive before we can ever love again.

Deep Breaths. I wouldn't lie to you. I'm learning to deal with this advice more so now than ever. Deep Breaths.

it's time to let loose.

In a society where we fight constantly for equal opportunity rights we are constantly judged for what we do. It's just the world we live in. We are so quick to judge others for their actions, or who they are hanging out with, or how they choose to spend their lives, money, etc. Today I got to experience a part of society that brought a positive light back into this harsh world we live in.

Amanda, my sister, a sophomore in college had a dance show today at school.. and if people know one thing about me it's my support for my family, especially Amanda and her love for dance/fame. (because lets face it.. she will be famous one day) As I sat in the top row of the bleachers and waited for the lights to dim, I began flipping through the program book and looking over the numbers/performances i was about to watch. As the show started with an over the top opening number (which featured gaga, the themes from ANTM and Nip/Tuck, as well as one my personal favorite songs "fashionista") I noticed something in the program book that caught my attention "SUNDAY PERFORMANCE ONLY" I looked up from my program and saw a group of young girls take the stage... this wasn't your everyday group of young girls. These girls ranged in age from 7-10/12? they call themselves the "let loose dance trope". these kids, all special needs or friends of special needs students lined up with their Salve dance volunteers, who led them into a group number. Seeing these girls dance with special needs was something that you have to see to believe. they hold a special place in my heart. The smiles on their faces are impossible to describe. What made me so happy watching these kids perform was the salve students who put 1. not only the time to volunteer and teach these kids, but 2. The EFFORT. In a society like we have today, children with special needs are usually pushed aside and told they can't do what other kids do because of their special need. As these kids took stage and "let loose" it was amazing to see them in action.. they got so excited to be on that stage performing as if they were honorary members of the Salve dance team. As they finished their number and took their bows the crowd clapped and gave an applause like no other. Not just because they were little kids, but because of their situation, and their ability to want to be like everyone else.

In our society today we tend to treat people with special needs differently. Weather we push them aside, or treat them as if they aren't capable of completing things the way we all are. Maybe, just maybe... instead of treating them differently, maybe they just want to be treated like everyone else. These little girls warmed my heart, and brought tears to my eyes. And for good reason. Everyone around me had the same tears flowing and the same look on their face... We need to give others a chance. Just when I lose all hope in people, life, society... things like this brighten your day and remind us there are good people in this world. I applaud these kids for having the courage to DANCE like no ones watching, let go of all the stereotypes society places on them.. and just DANCE THEIR LITTLE HEARTS OUT. I applaud the parents of these children... for allowing them the opportunity to interact with others in this way. I applaud the Salve students, who after working with the let loose dance troupe last year as part of a project, decided they warmed their hearts and continued on with this tradition, and for volunteering their time with these kids... to allow someone like me, the opportunity to have my heart warmed by something so simple and innocent. I hope to see these girls performing once again at next years spring dance show.

Although you may not have been able to experience the same feeling I did today by watching these girls perform, I'm sure you can find a way to relate. How many times in life do we feel like the outcast and just want to fit in with everyone else. We've all been there. Hell.. I know as a kid I was never the most athletic, the most popular... nor was I the best looking, or best anything for that matter. I look back at my younger years and wonder WOW.. how the hell did I become the person I am today based on what I was back then. I have a childhood filled with just bad memories from middle school/elementary school, etc.. but you know what.. those are the stories I share with people now, and laugh. How could I really think my life was that bad at the age of 7-8, hell.. look what I've been through lately and I'd rather be 7-8 again when my only worries were making sure I had green socks, my homework complete, and that I went to church on sundays (oh the joys of a catholic education).

I personally thank the "Let Loose Dance Troupe" for giving me a new vision for my week. A positive outlook on people. It's time we all let loose and dance like nobody is watching.

Start with yourself...

I wrote this blog last week.. but waited to share it, not sure why I didn't post it then, not sure why I'm posting it now, just.. I am.

I have this problem, well.. some would say it shows the true colors of my personality, but I look at it as a problem. I always have this feeling of need. Not that I always need someone or something, but that I want to be needed. It's part of who I am. Making others happy, seeing others smile, helping you solve your problems, hearing that deep belly laugh come out of someone because of something I said or did, and made them smile for the first time in days.. makes me smile. I love to care for people. But in return, I don't think it's too much to show that you care for them as well, or extend a simple "hey.. thanks for tonight.. it was great.. I really needed this"

As days go by, you learn the people who you have helped who simply used you for that.. your help, or the people in your life who are eternal grateful for your help, and want to repay you in every-way possible, but simply all you want is a thank you. There will always be the people in your life that no matter what will treat you like shit, because they know... no matter what... you will be there to lend a helping hand, or ALWAYS be there for that shoulder to cry on, that hand to hold, that voice of reason. Even after they did every last possible thing to hurt you, you are still there. It could be a best friend, an ex lover, a teacher or even a member of your own family. The same way these people may never say thank you, or even understand the amount of effort you just put forth for them, we also never say "hey... it's not that hard to say thanks.. yea I did it because I wanted to.. but just to let you know.. it hurts when you do this to me". The same way people take these small tasks for granted, maybe we should take their friendship for granted. Is it worth it?

You can't change the world. You can't change each other. All you can do is change yourself. I found this story the other day and thought I'd share it. It's about starting with yourself to see a change in the world:

When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But, it too, seemed immovable. As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed my self first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world.

So I'm doing just that. After a very depressing end to 2009, I wasn't sure if I even knew who I was... I entered into a spiral of depression, started to drink more.. for the shear fact that hey.. i had no one to please... I contemplated smoking... (which if you know me Is a BIG DEAL) I went as far as buying a pack of cigarettes... unwrapping them.. taking one out.. and well.. there was no lighter in the car, you would think dating a smoker, or visiting the cemetery often to see my dad and light a candle I'd have a lighter or match handy. negative. That pack of cigarettes ended up being thrown away which I know a handful of people who would of fought over a free pack of marlboros. ;) Back on track... around october of 2009 I filled out all the necessary paperwork to volunteer myself as a "Big Brother/ Big Sister" which in my opinion is one of the greatest organizations around for young children. As I went to go mail my application in... I thought about why i was doing this. I was having a really rough day.. it so happened to be the anniversary of my dads death that day as well. but someone came through for me on that day. I ended up getting a text message that day telling me that they were thinking about me today, and my dad would be proud of the person I am. I broke down. I wasn't ready to move on and help someone else in need. You must better yourself, before you can better the lives of someone else. That application stayed on my desk.. for a solid month before I did anything with it. I threw it away. I wasn't ready.

But the point is.. do something to change yourself. Do something to better the lives of others. Make a difference in someone's life. One of my favorite in-class exercises that I remember doing was a "30 second quiz" these 30 second quizzes are usually the ones teachers will pop on you in an ethics, leadership or sociology class. For example.. when teachers give you a final exam they say "there is only one question on this test, this will either pass or fail you for the semester" ... you get the test and the question is "What is the name of the cleaning lady in your dorm?" How many people know the cleaning lady of their dorm? or the guy who comes in and cleans your office after you leave? Not many of us. I found online the actual quiz I remember taking:

Try taking it yourself.. don't bother getting a paper/pencil. If you cant answer it MOVE ON!

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last five Academy Award winners for Best Actor and Actress.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remembers the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They're the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Now here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. Name three teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worth while.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier? The lesson? The people who make a difference in your life aren't the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They're the ones who care.

So although I may not have the most credentials, the most money, the most awards... I Care. I will always care. I'm here when you need me, but remember... Your also THERE when I need YOU. I know the people for my answers. And I'm not afraid to tell them who they are. Are you afraid to tell the people who you just answered to the last 5 questions that they helped shaped your life? Maybe you helped shape their life too!

Now that I feel like I'm back on the right track.. it's time to help someone else. That application I spoke of earlier for Big Brother/ Big Sister? It's all filled out, and ready to be mailed. I'm ready to make a difference in the lives of someone else. I'm ready to make someone feel special. I'm ready to help someone through a difficult time. I'm ready, because like I said.. it starts with yourself.

beneath the surface.

Sometimes in life it is easier to convince ourselves that we know exactly what we want to happen. We wake up and say TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY, or even do the complete opposite. We wake up and think TODAY IS GOING TO BE A BAD DAY. When in actuality we don't know what the day is going to bring us. Lately I've been doing a lot of self exploration and doing what I feel like in my heart is RIGHT. Not that I'm going through life thinking "FUCK YOU.. what i think is the way things should go" I'm just doing what I feel like in my heart is right, for me, right now.

We all have different aspects of our lives that we use to channel our emotions, some use the arts to express themselves, others turn to friends and family.. and some turn to a world of drugs and alcohol. I like to think of myself as a healthy mix of all 3. I tend to turn to my family and friends that are closest to me when I need someone to talk to, but lately... I've been dealing with things on a more spiritual deeper level. (with a little arts and booze mixed in) There are just some things that no matter how hard I try to share with someone.. I just don't think they will understand, because they are not me. I do believe in life there are just some things that you need to figure out at your own pace, your own way, on your own time. I just didn't think life in general would be one of those things.

My life to me is precious. My time and how I spend it is of great value and importance to me. I like my life for the most part, and if I make a mistake along the way, so be it. We have all made those mistakes. Actually, one of the things I think is strange is how quickly people are to judge others for the same mistakes they have made in the past. A great example is the gay scene in general. People are so quick to jump down your throat and call you a whore, a slut, a drunk/druggie, etc... But when they look at their lives... they too have made the same mistakes, they too have spent countless nights at the SAME bars, with the same crowds of people, looking for the SAME THING. But they would never consider themselves to be an alcoholic or a bar fly. So why are you so quick to judge me? We tend to judge our own lives on what we think we are capable of doing, while others are so quick to judge us based on what we have already done. Some people are able to see past the rough exterior walls that we put up. I can't begin to express the amount of times while at a bar I am approached by people saying they have read my blog, or have talked to me previous and that I stand out from the rest, I'm different. And I'll take it. No one ever said being different is a bad thing, but when your different people tend to notice... for all the right, and for all the wrong reasons. you become the center of attention, even if you don't want to... it just happens.

2009 was a rough year relationship wise.. not just romantically, I'm talking on a deeper level. Relationships with friends, family, myself, my ex, my life, my future, etc. I slowly grew tired of hearing people telling me the same thing over and over... I grew tired of people telling me the past is in the past, you need to let go. I know it's called the past for a reason, and we use the past to grow and to build. To use the past as a foundation for a stronger future.. but some aspects of the past, no matter how long ago, still hurt. They are still constant reminders about a part of our life. So when I turn to others for advice or help, thinking they may have gone through the same situations that I have... and I end up getting irritated by their response because it's not exactly what I want to hear, or they just don't see with me eye to eye makes you think... everything that irritates us about others and their views can lead us to have a stronger understanding of ourselves, and who we are.

As I look at my friends, coworkers and family members... people are growing up all around me. Friends are getting married, having babies, moving out of their house for the first time, starting new careers.. and it makes me work that much harder everyday to figure out what exactly I want out of life. I could write paragraphs about my ideal life, my ideal partner, my ideal lifestyle and dream job... but not of that would matter. None of that is real. In a moments notice it can all change. Seeing people follow their dreams and strive to make themselves a better person makes me look at myself in the mirror and think exactly what I want. The other day.. getting out of the shower I stared into the mirror and looked back at myself and saw the person who was standing there through the fogged up glass... WHO IS JOSHUA NARCISO? As the steam/condensation of the mirror cleared and I saw exactly who was standing there, I began to cry. I didn't know what I wanted.. I didn't know who I was. Sure I know things in life that make me happy, and people in life I want to be around.. but that wasn't enough. I needed more. The fact of the matter is, there is never enough. NO ONE, can ever look into a mirror and face their true, raw emotions and say I am completely happy. There is always something that could use improvement... no one is perfect.

So before you are quick to judge someone else, before you are quick to ignore someone, before you are quick to write someone off.. give them a chance. They may not be the person that is perfect for you right now... But that doesn't mean you aren't the person that is perfect for them, at that moment in time. If you are too busy judging others, that leaves you no time to love others. And I do believe without love... this world would come to a screeching halt.

I'm not sure how to end this.. but I just want to be clear.. before you are quick to judge me.. take a look at yourself.. you too were once in my shoes, you too were once in this situation.. and if you haven't been.. you will be soon. And when you are.. instead of telling you what you should do, or what the right answer is.. I'll be there to listen, I'll be there as a friend, a shoulder to cry on, the hug you need, the smile to get your day going... I can tell you right now.. the thing I will not be.. is yet another asshole, judging you for the mistakes you think you have made. There truly are no mistakes. Just things we wanted at that moment in time, that turned out in the end upsetting and hurting us rather than making us smile.

Happy Birthday.

6 years ago, god took away one of the greatest treasures in my life. My father. My dad was a hard worker who did everything in his power to support his family, make sure there was always food on the table, and a roof over our heads. Growing up in a strong portuguese household work ethic was always a big thing with my father. "What are you going to do with your future?" was always a common question between my father and I. We'd talk about what I thought i'd like to do, and what I may of wanted for my future. We use to joke about how one day I'd take over the family business... Which is more than unlikely... for 1. I was never a fan of physical labor (as you can see in my lack of a gym membership and my desk job) and 2. It was dirty. haha.

For anyone who doesn't know, my father ever since moving to this country when he was little always had a passion for farming. Dairy farming to be exact. He always had a small farm with a few cows, maybe a goat or two. It was a full time job in itself. He use to wake up, and be out of the house by 5:30am, every day. 7 days a week. He would stop by the farm, feed the cows, milk them, get changed and off to work he went. He worked full-time at a local greenhouse as a manager. After his 9-5 was done, he'd head back to the farm to round up the cows, milk the others, and head home. By the time I saw my dad it would be close to 7 o'clock at night. Many a nights I remember going to the farm with my mom at night to either drop off food, help feed the cows, or just spend time there as a family.

One day, my father decided he was going to turn this little farm of his into the cash-cow he's been hoping for. One day he up and left his life at the greenhouse to start his calling/passion. He began to make a full-time career out of dairy farming, and thus.. Narciso Holsteins DBA was created. My father took care of us the way he knew how, by working his ass off to make sure we never went without. We never took family vacations, we never really hung out as a family unless it was late as night, or if we went to the farm on the weekends to see him. His work week was a full 7 days a week, with 12-13 hour days.. with maybe a half hour or so in the middle of the day to swing by home for lunch.

Most of high school I felt estranged from my father. Growing up from being a boy into a man, and not really having a father figure around to help you with that was hard. But he use to try as hard, and as much as he could. He'd come home late at night and cook dinner while my mom was out working her 2nd job, and we use to bond. use to talk about my future, what I saw, what I wanted, and thats where the jokes would stem from. I was never one to really "get dirty" but as much as I would complain about going to the farm to help out, many a weekends I'd spend with my father at the farm feeding the cows, driving the tractor, milking, shoveling shit... Believe it or not.. I use to get down and dirty. I'd come home smelling like cow manure, waiting to just hop in the shower, and then pass out on the couch for hours, just like my father did.

I remember not really understanding as a kid why my father was never around, why we could never take a family vacation, I never really understood it... I just always assumed it was abnormal for families to do things like that. The times we did spend together as a family are the times that I cherish the most. Those weekends where we would all go and help out as a family, make it home just as the sun was setting, hop in the shower and then go out to eat as a family were the memories I remember, and will always cherish. As much as we use to joke about Joshua taking over the family business.. I could never. When my father passed away, his brothers and sisters did what they could to keep the farm running and operating as much as they could... before it was just time to sell it. As we sold the farm I remember thinking to myself how we let my father down, but in the end... we knew its what was best, as did he.

I may never be the man my dad once was, but I strive to continue to grow as a man, as a human, as a son, as a brother... and one thing that will always stick with me is my dads strength, determination, willingness to help others, his drive, his work ethic, and his class and morals. He was the last of a dying breed. To find workers like him in this day in age is almost impossible. To find somebody with a heart like his, and a passion for what they love to do is rare. No matter how much work it was, no matter how cold it was out, no matter how much pain he was in, or how sick he was... he worked hard. and he got the job done.

If I could just be half the man my dad once was. Then I'd be okay with that. Here's to you dad, up in heaven. May you always rest in peace and hopefully see your smiling face once again. Happy Birthday Dad. Your always in my prayers and memories, but this Wednesday January 27, 2010. I'll be celebrating the life you once led on this earth. Happy Birthday Dad.

The end of year challenge.

Everyone always says "where did this year go" but for the first time in my life... I know what everyone is talking about. WHERE THE HELL DID 2009 GO? I still remember the year as if it was yesterday. 2009 was a year of firsts for me. First love, first heartbreak, first breakup, first time i've felt like myself, first time facing my fears and past head on, and just first time finally being and expressing JOSHUA for who he is. It has been a year alright!

As many of you know in 2009 I came out to my family which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Not because I thought they wouldn't accept me for who I was.. but just because coming out is a whole challenge in itself. With a strong support team behind me, I was able to tackle not only coming out in 2009, but a lot of my other fears and failures. I was able for the first time in YEARS to cut someone out of my life that was having a negative impact on me as an individual. You never really know how much someone from your past can have an impact on you until something life changing either happens to you, or them. It wasn't until months later did I realize how much of an impact this person was having on my life. Because of them I found it hard to trust, hard to love, hard to be me. Our relationship that we had years ago, was still haunting me. I did what I had to do in order to move on and have some kind of closure. And hey.. it worked.

One thing I learned this year was the power of friendship. Sometimes when your life is so consumed by others.. you tend to lose sight of what's really important. Friendship and family. Going through a roller coaster of emotions this year.. from beginning to end.. one person who I could always count on is my mom. Believe it or not.. at the age of 23... I cried to my mom more times than I have EVER cried to anyone. hahaha. Say what you want, but the love a mother shares with her son, that bond.. that bond is one of the strongest. ESPECIALLY when her son is gay and tells her those black satin pumps DEFINITELY do not match that sequence top. ;) (what was she thinking?!?!) but no seriously.. I lost count the amount of times this year I'd come home fight with my mother about the stupidest thing, lock myself in my room, and come crying to her minutes later realizing I was wrong.. and realizing I had no one to turn to except for her. Without a question, she would come running to my rescue to hold me, to comfort me, to console me. To be my mom.

As individuals we try and be the strongest we possibly can in front of others. But the truth is.. we all have a weak side, we all have a moment we let our guard down. We all have THAT moment when we find ourself alone, and really just need someone there with us. We've all had them at one point or another. God at this point in our life usually sends us an angel in disguise. This "angel" can be someone, something, a pet, a person, a symbol showing us he is there. I can't even begin to describe the amount of angels that have picked me up this year when I thought I was at my lowest of lows. From family and friends to pets and emails. The number of angels around all of us are uncountable!

So at the end of 2009, I look back and reflect as to what God, the angels, my family and friends... what they have given me. They have given me new hope, new dreams, and new aspirations for 2010. The other day I received this email that I'd like to share with you.. instead of focusing on the negative in our lives we must try and think of the positive that can come from it. Sometimes life doesn't always give you the lemons you've been hoping for but there are always worse out there than us. For they would only pray to have the problems we have: Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak. Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat. Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion. Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who went too early to heaven. Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet. And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job. And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.

Tomorrow as I watch the ball drop, from the same spot I did last year... surrounded by the same people (more than likely) I'll stand there alone and be thankful for all the people who have helped me through 2009. I'll circle the room and see all the smiling and happy faces hug and kiss and toast the free champagne (unless you lost your red ticket!) and just sit back and enjoy the moment for what it is. As 2009 ends, I challenge all of you to tell someone from 2009 how much of an impact they have made in your life this year. Find that special someone who may not know how much they mean to you.. and find a way to share and tell them before the year is over. I did it today, you can too. I challenge you. Think of someone other than yourself. Think of the impact your actions have made on others, and look back in your own life and see who has made the biggest impact on YOU this past year. Don't be afraid of the response you might get... Just tell them. If anything, it's a form of flattery! So hats off to you 2009, you've been an intense year of emotions. Happy, sad, positive and negative. You've been a year of love, hate, happiness and heartbreak. You've been a year filled with new beginnings, new life, weddings, births, deaths and romances. You've been a year filled with pride and sorrow, new friends and old friends. A year where old friends became new friends again, and a year where friendships may have dissolved. But most of all you've been another year in all of our hats. If we could get through 2009 just fine, then 2010 should hopefully be just as easy.

Happy New Years everybody. May god bless. and I pray that your 2010.. goes a little smoother than 2009.

The First Snow

Living in New England, I think it's funny every time someone gets angry about the first snow. It's true.. you live in New England, you probably have your whole life... so why do people continue to get angry about the first time it snows? It's actually kind of funny. But on a deeper level, the first snow means a whole lot more. I guess it all depends on how you choose to look at it.

In life we make choices everyday. Every choice we make leads us down a new path, much like those choose your own adventure books. Today was... interesting to say the least. The past few weeks, every time something seems to be going right in life, something/someone comes a long and throws a nice little kink into the mix. I look back and try and figure out what choice I made in order for me to get to this point. But sometimes you can look back as much as you want, and try and find the root of your issue, but it is so deeply planted, and so complex. It is never ONE choice that leads you to where you are, it a series of events that I believe are pre-determined for us by a higher power. Which brings me to the subject of the first snow of the season.

The first snow usually falls late November, early December. Before the first snow of the season falls the weather is usually pretty ugly outside. Leaves everywhere, muddy, dark, cold nights... frost on the windows, Darker outside earlier... just all around gloomy. As the first snow falls it covers what is already outside. It covers the ground, trees, etc. in a fresh coat of white. White being the purest of all colors, representing a fresh start, a blank canvas, a second start. There is nothing to judge off of, just what you see. (nothing) There is something to be said for second chances in life. We have all been given a second chance, we have all wanted a second chance...

The snow is a second chance for the fall/winter. It gives the season a fresh start. Just when we all start to hate winter, we somehow get into the holiday spirit and the season of winter during the first snow fall. It makes us all pure again, brings us back to our childhood memories of snow days off from school, outside with our siblings and friends making snow angels and snowmen.. running inside and warming up by the fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate. But eventually we are faced with reality. The days of our childhood begin to fade, the same way the first snow begins to melt. The ugly that lies beneath is still there... and is now grey and dirty.

Once the snow begins to melt, we see what was already there beforehand. EXACTLY what was there to begin with, just being covered by something else. We can try and be someone else, we can try and fake it, we can put on a costume, a uniform, a fake persona. You may fall in love what was covered by the snow... but as the snow begins to melt, do you still love what ever it is that you were infatuated with to begin with? The answer should be yes. The true love lies on the inside. the ugly. Once you get past the outside (the fresh snow) do you love what's on the inside (beneath the snow)? Only once you look at yourself and love what's on the inside can you look at others and look at them for what is past the snow. past the physical features, look at them for who they are, what they do for others, how much support they have shown you, how REAL they are... if you can't love what is beneath your own layer of snow, there is no way you can love anyone else.

Only recently have I begun to love the dirty, muddy insides of myself. looking past what is on the outside, past the clothing, the career, past everything that is physical and tangible. Being put through an emotional ringer, (the snow plow of life) I can now see the inside. and I love what I see, and who I am.

Can you see it?

You can't blame a person for who they are. At times in life we have all done things that make us less than perfect, and not proud. But the strongest moments in life are when we are able to admit to others our own faults and flaws. I am not afraid to say I know what my flaws are. Trust being one of the major ones. Trusting someone in my life is hard to do... I have trusted very few people in my life, and one of the first people I trusted with my deepest darkest secrets found a way to play their emotions into my pain, and make the issues at hand about them, and filling their own voids without giving a care in the world to mine. Now, years later I am finally looking past "the first snow fall" and beginning to trust others again. If I can do it, you can do it too. Don't let anyone ever downplay your emotions or make you feel like one of your problems isn't important. If they are a true friend, no matter what the issue is.. they will care. If the issue is important enough for you to care about, they should too. I hate to end this on a lady gaga quote but hey.. I'm going to: recently, in an interview on ellen she said "Sometimes in life you don't always feel like a winner, but that doesn't mean that you're not a winner.."

Take time today, make your own blizzard. make your own fresh start on life. you might be surprised at what you learn about yourself. To close this out, I choose to end it with a song. Sometimes in the midst of a snow storm in life I wish I could fly away, like the birds fly south for winter. Sometimes we all wish we could get up from our problems and just fly away. Get away from here, see where else life will take us. But it's not that easy. We can't just get up and leave. Our problems will still be there when we get back.

Lyrics: Annie Lennox - Little Bird Lyrics

Paying it forward

A lot of times we do things without second guessing ourselves. We just DO IT. Later on we may look back on what we just did and either regret it, think we were CRAZY for doing something, or just.. be glad we did it. I can't begin to describe the amount of times I just do things without thinking.. but in a positive aspect. Since I started this blog I hoped it would be a way for people to see joshua in a different light. Maybe you only know me as the shotboy at the bar, or as your co-worker, or as a loving member of your family... But there are many different layers and sides to me, to all of us. This blog is a way to share those sides to not let you just know "Joshua the shotboy" or "Joshua the marketing assistant" but JOSHUA.. for who he is. Granted my life is so complex and hard to understand at times even for myself... and I can probably name the 2-3 people in my life that pretty much know EVERYTHING about me, but I choose to write here, to share, with you.. who I am.

Now that the holidays are approaching I usually find reasons to do good for others around me... not always in hope that someone one day will do the same for me, but out of the goodness of my heart. The self gratitude I get out of helping others at times, puts me in positive spirits the same way I may of just made this persons day. This past month while in line at dunkin donuts.. getting my usual tea.. (Great one, 2 bags, dark, skim milk, 4 sugars) There was a group of old ladies in front of me... about 6-7 of them.. deciding on what they should get. They were dressed in their sunday bests on a tuesday at 7:30am and debating between the usual bran muffin, of if they wanted to try the pumpkin... after recommending to them if they wanted a REAL pumpkin muffin to go to starbucks or panera because the ones at dunkin just aren't the same... they suggested that I go ahead of them.. "You look very important, we don't want you to be late for work... we're just ladies of leisure today, we come out once a month and do this together as friends" I said thank you, and went first... As I placed my order, I turned to me right and they all just seemed so happy... I wish when I get to that age in life that i too can be that happy, that I can have a group of friends to go out with and make smile like that someday. I wanted to do something nice for these old ladies. As the girl behind the counter rang up their order it came to $22 and change. My order was under $3. Before the ladies could even pull any money out of their purses I told the girl.. add it to mine. These ladies you would think won the lottery.. I was instantly taken into their arms.. hugged, kissed, praised.. sure it felt good to do a good thing for them.. but the faces they made and the gratitude they showed made it all worth it.

This may just be one example of how I've been able to touch others lives, but we ALL can make a difference in someone else's life without even knowing it. At any given time in life you never know who could be thinking of you, praying for you, wishing, dreaming, and hoping for you. Walking through the streets of providence for school/work/fun/etc.. there was always an abundance of homeless people around and every one was always begging for money, some for booze yes, but others for food, clothing, LIFE. I remember someone telling me that a homeless man came up to them and asked them for money one day for beer, and instead of giving the homeless man a dollar or 2, he invited him in to a local bar, bought him a beer, sat with him.. and heard his story. Another one of my friends was in boston one day, and a homeless lady asked how he was.. and he asked her how she was.. her response: Every day is getting better. She didn't beg, she didn't ask, she just.. was living her life to the best she can, and knew one day things would change for her.. she had such a positive outlook on life he invited her out for coffee.

Sometimes these little deeds in life can be costly, but other times.. they can cost you NOTHING. I remember one time in college cleaning out my closet of old clothes/coats/etc.. and driving home one day from work and making a little detour to where I knew a group of homeless men lived. Instead of donating the clothing to the salvation army I stopped by their tent behind the old mall and asked them if they were cold, naturally being the dead of winter they said yes. I said it's not much, but I have some extra coats and sweaters I was getting rid of, please.. take them. They were so grateful... while standing there.. you couldn't help but notice how famished and sickly they looked.. I felt like I had to do SOMETHING else... I told them I would be right back, I had something else for them. I ran to McDonalds.. picked up a bag of cheeseburgers.. ( I think there was 10 burgers in total) returned to them, gave them the burgers and was headed home. One of the guys said he hasn't had McDonalds since his wife was in the hospital. He naturally started to share his story. Months prior he was in the hospital with his wife who was deathly ill.. he had to spend day and night with her. Eventually she got so sick she passed away. H then got laid off from his job and just couldn't make ends meet and before he knew it, he was homeless.

But to get back on track of "Paying it Forward" please take time, open your eyes.. realize what you have around you. Cherish it. Help that person in need, help them the way you would like to be helped one day. Do for them what is right, what is just, and what needs to be done. Because at the end of the day we are all human, we all deserve to be treated like humans. A great story I was once told about paying it forward is about a little girl who was sitting in her third grade classroom. Her name was Susie.

Picture this... third grade classroom..... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, 'Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.' He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a class mate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, 'Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!' Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!' Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, 'You did that on purpose, didn't you?' Susie whispers back, 'I wet my pants once too.'

Although the story of Susie may seem a little off topic, think about it. It all has to do with karma, and doing what you would want others to do to you. We have all been in that little boys place at one point in our life.. wishing, hoping, praying that someone like Susie was around to take the blame and embarrassment off of us. (for once) And we can one day end up like the man who lost his wife and job and ended up homeless, and praying for a warm jacket or a burger. One night we could all be rushed to the hospital hoping for a friend to be by our side to help us if needed. To be our support system. We can't go through life alone. There is no way we can survive.

Take time this holiday season, reflect on the people who may have been there for you in your darkest hours. Think about what they might of done for you to pay it forward. Think about the Susie in your life, that person who took the embarrassment off of you for a change. I have never felt so blessed as I have this past year between my friends and family. I'd like to thank you all for what you have done for ME. And i promise you this.. I will be your Susie, I will be your friend, I will be your enemy, but I will always care for you, I will always do what is right, I will always do what I WANT DONE FOR ME. I will always treat you like a human, I will always love you like a human, I will give you the respect you deserve. It's like they say.. what goes around comes around. I might need you to help me with a project for a change, I might need you to stay up all night and help me study/plan for a big test tomorrow, I might get into a car accident and need you to give me rides around town, I might need you there for me one day in the ER till the early hours of the morning, I might need you as a shoulder to cry on, I might need you to give me a meal in my poorest of days.. but most of all I need you. My friends and family I rely on you to get me through this crazy world. You may come into this world alone, and you may leave alone... but that doesn't mean you need to spend your days here on earth alone. Take time out of your day for others. Make time. You must in order to survive. And please, don't just make time for me, make time for those less fortunate than us, those who are struggling and dying and those who have to live every day going with out. One day it will all come back to you and be worth it. Karma may be a bitch.. but she is one FIERCE bitch. =)

So thank you.

MA, KH, CB, SM, DD, DM, MW, AN, SN, MN... all of you. thanks.

Defying Gravity.

This week on Glee "Becky" a girl with down syndrome tries out for the cheerleading team... and for some reason "Sue" the coach.. seemed to be up to something by allowing Becky, who was far from perfect...the final position on her squad.. who was preparing for a national competition. Now this squad was made up of nothing but the best.. so why would Sue, this downright mean, cold hearted individual allow her team to be mocked by allowing a girl who was FAR from perfect join her squad? ...Later in the episode Sue says "You want me to treat this girl different, but what I see is a girl who just wants to be treated like everybody else" Fast forward to the end of the episode, we see Sue visiting her sister in the nursing home, who is also living her life day to day with down syndrome. It just goes to show, as much as you think you know someone... you really don't know who they are, or what they are up to. This is a great example of judging a book by it's cover. You think you know someone so well, when really you don't know the first thing about that person. We as human beings are complex individuals, we have emotions, feelings, and a past that makes us who we are today. Sue may put out this downright mean image, but at the end of the day.. she saw her sister in Becky, and gave Becky the chance her sister would of always loved to have.

It's amazing to see how people change. Today, while at lunch with a very special person in my life... we began discussing our lives over this past year... and how much we have changed from the beginning of the year till now. How we've both grown as individuals, and really have the other to thank for a lot of that. It was nice to sit and see someone else realize how much of an impact we have made on each other. More so the impact that he has made in my life. As humans we must go out and create change, before change creates us. As i sit here now in my bathrobe, reflecting on my day/week/month/year... I look at all that I was able to accomplish and would I be able to do this without going through the emotional roller coaster of ups and downs I have experienced this year... probably, but the people, events in my life made me who I am, and at the end of the day, today and everyday.. I feel like a stronger person for the things I've been through.

Change should always be for the better. Change should be something that makes us GROW into a more positive person. When relationships/friendships go sour people always say "People change" this is so true, but a lot of the times people change for the worse. I'm proud to say that lately, and hopefully for a long time, the changes I make in my life are positive ones. One of the biggest changes in my life this year, was my coming out. I came out at time when I felt was right, I was ready to share myself with my family, with my boyfriend, with the world. Before I could EVER share my life with anyone else.. I had to be able to accept who I was. And I did. Finally.

While at lunch today we also talked about how falling for someone is very easy to do, Falling in love with that person comes naturally, and is just as easy. Breaking up with someone you love must be the hardest thing to do, but allowing that person back in your life weather it be in a romantic way or not, is even harder. To view what you once had and question.. do I want to subject myself to this again? That is when you must turn to your heart and do what is right... could I honestly see my life without this person in it, in SOME way shape or form? Today I asked that question.. do I want to live a life without this person in it? And the answer was no. Being able to make amends with ex's, old friends who may have hurt you, family, etc.. is hard. very hard. but being able to turn to each other, and still know what the other is thinking after not seeing each other for months.. is something you don't let slip away.

After experiencing this year my first relationship, and being involved head over heels with someone who I still look up to till this day, someone who no matter what happened between us, I still want to see succeed in life, someone who I want to see reach for the stars and actually hit those goals.. someone who is a genuinely good person, who not enough credit was ever given to... someone who isn't like everybody else. I see why I fell in love with this man, I see why he is so well liked, I was able to step outside of our relationship and view what a truly amazing man I was blessed with this year to be a part of MY life. we must realize people like this do not come a long often, and when they do we must hold on to them for as long as possible. We are reminded daily by god himself the of the gifts he has given us, but the greatest gift.. is love. It is not enough to just share that love with the ones we hold dear. We must lear to open our hearts to not only those who we hold close, but to all humanity.

We must learn to be slow to judge others, but quick to forgive. We must show patience for one another, we must show our Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance, sing, and enjoy!

In our lives we must learn to defy gravity. We must learn to take a chance. Look out over the edge of that cliff and not second guess ourselves. just JUMP.

The Let down

In life people who we never thought would let us down, will. Relationships that we think are perfect will fall apart for reasons unknown. Acquaintances turn into friends, and friends can turn into enemies. Life has a funny way of working itself out... I remember reading "Life doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need, to help you, to hurt you, to love you, to leave you, and to make you into the person you were meant to be" I couldn't agree more. Someone who we may think is perfect for us may end up being the worst thing to happen to us, but life brought us together for reasons both of us are not sure of. We go on living life and find out the day we die who these people were, what the did for us, but at this point.. it's too late to thank them for making you, YOU

We have to learn to live life with no regrets. You should never regret something that once made you smile. You may not be proud of what happened or something you did, but never regret something that once brought you joy. As I sit and write, I think to myself.. Today, 6 years ago.. When my dad was sent to heaven.. I wonder what regrets he had in life. I wonder who let him down, who loved him, I wonder all the people my dad met over the years that shaped him to be the man I knew and loved.

Today is always an emotional day for me, But taking my own advice for once... I wanted to try and do something about that. I'm usually in a decent mood throughout the day, and everyone tells me how strong I am, or how well I'm holding up. I may seem like I'm okay.. and for the most part I am. I try not to dwell on the sad parts of my dads life, rather try and enjoy the good the day seems to bring. My dad was always an avid drinker of Mcdonalds Vanilla shakes.. or any vanilla shake in general. Sandra (my sister) recommended I swing by McDonalds and pick myself up a milk shake in his honor.. sadly I didn't.. Instead I opted for an ice cold budlight while I sit here and write. (budlight = another favorite of his). Things like that.. his favorite food, drink, etc make today turn from a sad day, to a day filled with memories. When life gives you 100 reasons to cry, show life you have 1000 reasons to smile.

Today on my commute I made it a point to swing by the cemetery and have a little chat with my dad. It's been a while since I paid him a visit.. On my way there, I thought WOW I haven't been to the cemetery in forever. Then I realized it's been a solid 2 months to the DATE since I've been to the cemetery.. I talk to my dad on a weekly/daily basis but usually only swing by the cemetery when something is bothering me and I need to just go somewhere.. pray, cry and just be alone. SO today, after work I swung by the cemetery.. as I pulled up, the sun was already setting, I could see two heart shaped balloons floating back and forth tied to his grave. For some reason these balloons stopped me in my tracks, and reminded me of the love my mother and him share. I took those 2 balloons as their two hearts.. tied together, still beating as one.

Sometimes life isn't as easy as sipping back a vanilla shake and remembering the good times, life is hard. There is no answer key, there is no rule book, there is just you. People who come in and out of our lives may give us hints and ideas as to what the answer to our life is, but really.. there isn't one. Today I woke up in an okay mood for what the day symbolized... but was still in somewhat of a funk. ...and no this funk had nothing to do with my previous night of drinking. I woke up just doubting people, knowing they were going to let me down. Nothing hurts more than having your hopes set so high for someone/something and IT just falling apart right before your eyes. Knowing once again you thought things could/would be different but they/it proved you wrong, again. They failed at making you happy. ...But what if we have our expectations set too high for other people? Well for the first time that I can remember in a long time... the high hopes that I had for someone today.. I shot them down, before this person even had the chance to prove me wrong/right. WELL.. they did. I had such high hopes and faith in someone today that they would reach out to me, in some way. And im proud to say.. the person who I know.. and the person who I care for so much.. did that. They did reach out. they proved me right :) literally... had me in shock, WHO AM I TO JUDGE SOMEONE? before judging them, I should judge myself and my actions.. look at myself and decide if this is really the person who I want to be.

So although someone may let you down over time, or you even let yourself down.. look and think.. did I set my own expectations too high? Sometimes the greatest surprises are the unexpected. So learn to live life day by day, don't take the moments you have for granted... you only have 86, 400 seconds in a day to, so make the most of it. And days when your not feeling yourself you always have family there to help you get through those rough patches in life. Family is the most important thing in life. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes it’s the one you make for yourself. No matter who your family is, tell them you love them. don't let the seconds in the day go to waste being filled with hate, negative thoughts, or expectations set too high. In the end your only letting yourself down. Remember in life is not the number of breaths you take. It’s the number of moments that take your breath away.

Hi Dad, It's me...

Hi dad, it's Joshua. Just wondering how things are with you. It's been 6 years since we've seen each other. Just wanted to check in and see what's new with you. I'm sure you've been following me real close these past few years. A LOT has changed in my life, wish you were here so we could talk about it, face to face. But until we see each other again, this will have to do.

I know you were never a fan of reading ( I remember when you were sick, and sitting on the couch someone brought you a book once and said it would help you pass the time... you looked up over your glasses and said READ? oh please. hahaha) But you were so thankful/grateful for the thought behind the gift. This letter is a little shorter than the book, so hopefully you can sit through this. =)

So since the day God decided that he needed you in heaven instead of here, there has been something that has been bothering me A LOT, and I need to get it off my chest. Today is Sunday October 18th, 6 years ago TODAY I helped Sandra and Mom carry you into the back of the van so you could make your journey into Boston. Hopefully someone there would know what was wrong with your leg. Hopefully I'd get to see you real soon, up and about, back to your old routine.. Those cows couldn't milk themselves! Although you and I would never "hugged it out" often, I remember as I shut the back door of the van... saying to you "Dad I love you, I'll see you soon.. I'll come and visit" and reaching to you and you held me in your arms and hugged me. The way a father should for his son. And off you went.. Little did I know that is the last human contact I would ever have with you. EVER.

That week was so busy for me between school, homework, a job, taking care of things here at the house.. It was a lot. But it was all going to be okay, you were coming home real soon. I remember going into school that Monday like nothing was wrong.. I would go right from school to work, just to keep myself busy... by the time I got home it was already too late to call the hospital and talk to you. I said to myself TOMORROW. I'll talk to him tomorrow! ...Tuesday came and went and I never called. TOMORROW I'll do it. Tomorrow I won't go to school, instead i'll drive to boston and see dad. Wednesday came.. I woke up with NO PLANS of going to school.. but something came up and off I went.. Maybe after school I'll go.. NOPE.. after school I had to run to work again. At work I thought.. WOW.. I haven't seen/spoken to my dad since SUNDAY. I really need to talk to him. I miss him. That night.. Wednesday October 22, 2003... I raced home from work.. no matter how late it was, I need to call dad. TONIGHT... I raced home to find the house(s) jam packed with cars, cars lining both sides of the street, I already knew what was going on. No one needed to tell me.

I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't. I ran next door to Scott and Dianes... I remember busting through that front door and seeing our entire family there. EVERYONE. aunts/uncles/cousins/etc.. I collapsed into tears. Scott came running to my rescue. he grabbed me and just held me. The reality was setting in. You were gone. The days that followed were such a blur. The wake, the funeral, seeing mom at the house... everything was just.. what i thought the most scariest nightmare I have ever had. except, this wasn't a nightmare. it was reality.

It's taken me 6 years to finally say this.. but, I'm sorry I never called, I'm sorry I never came and saw you that week in Boston, I'm sorry. Everybody else got to talk to you that day, earlier.. except for me. It's not a regret I'm holding on to... it's just.. I never thought sunday was going to be the last time I saw you. EVER. I know it's been 6 years.. but I'm sorry. I'm not going to even ask you to forgive me, because your my dad... this probably didn't even phase you the way it's been haunting me the past 6 years. I still have dreams to this day of you, of that week, of that month, of that year.

I know your watching over me and by my side all the time, So I won't even go into detail what's been going on in my life these past 6 years... but ESPECIALLY this past year. 2009 was destined to be a great year for me... It's surly had it's ups and downs, and defiantly moments of regrets, and things I am ashamed to say that I said/did to hurt others. But in the end 2009 was a life changing experience for me. and hey.. we still have 2 1/2 months left! God only knows what the future holds for me... But while your up there.. if could find a way to maybe pull a few little strings, that would be great. ;-)

Until we meet again dad, I love you. Talk to you soon. I can't believe this thursday will be 6 years since you had to leave us... I love you and miss you. Gotta run.

Love always, your son,

-Joshua

Wash away...

I believe in life, every choice we make leads us onto a new path. Much like those books we all read as kids where you get to choose your own adventure. I believe our lives are much like those choose your own adventure books. Sometimes no matter how hard you try and pick the path that might seem to be the right one... in the end it still comes back and bites you in the ass somehow. (Or at least the books I read...I would always die early on)

This past week, my life seemed to be a never ending "choose your own adventure" book. I have never felt stretched so thin emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I just feel like this past week I was at wits end with everybody and everything. Every choice I made seemed to "hit me" emotionally. I just couldn't deal with it. Or could I? How much will God give us before he thinks.. "oh okay.. that's enough for him this week". But that's the thing.. God will never give us something we can't deal with. He made us all individuals, and knows what we can/can not deal with.

I've learned not to question his actions so much, but deal with what has been given to me. As much as it hurts to see things/people around you change and you have no control over it is very nerve wracking especially for someone like myself who use to think life was ALWAYS black and white and everything has an answer. Only until recently have I looked at life as a full spectrum of colors vs. Black/white. Who would of thought? A creative individual like myself thinking the world is just black and white, BOY WAS I WRONG. Unfortunately I may have hurt and offended many people I'm sure with my views on life, but if any of them are reading this now, I'd like to let you know... I'm sorry.

Someone once told me a story about a boy who would constantly lose his temper as a child. Every time he lost his temper the boys father told him to take a nail and hammer it into the fence. Every time the boy lost his temper he would do this. Eventually he got tired of hammering away at this fence and learned to control his temper. Once he learned to control his temper the boys father told him, every day that goes by and you don't lose your temper I want you to take a nail OUT of the fence until there are no more nails left. Once all the nails were removed the father took the boy by the hand, brought him to the fence and told him... "you see son, the nails are the things you said and did to hurt people, the fence is their heart...you can say your sorry and apologize and mean it, but the damage is already done. You have left a permanent hole in the fence, and in their heart." Why should we go through life just saying and doing what we want, only to say we're sorry later and everything will be okay? It's not right. We have all been the fence, and we have all driven many nails into other fences.

Lately I've been having trouble dealing with the pain that I have caused others thinking of all the holes I left in their fence with my nails. I'm not really looking for forgiveness or love, but more so just assurance... assurance they know the things I did, we have all done to each other. At one point or another we can all look back and pinpoint moments in our life when we have felt like the Fence AND the Nail. We all deserve a second chance in life.

Someone very close to me throughout my teenage years had a second chance, a third chance, a forth chance, a fifth chance, a sixth chance... They had more chances than anyone I know. But instead of looking at their own flaws/faults it was easier to just NAIL another hole into my fence. It lasted years, until I finally decided this "fence" couldn't stand on it's own anymore and just blocked that person out of my life. For a long time.

Having been hurt emotionally, I started to isolate myself from the rest of reality. I found a new home/social life online. I started talking with teens around the world with similar interests to mine. This new virtual life of mine started off as a hobby on the side, until literally I found myself online 4-8 hours at a time, if not more chatting with teens around the world, meeting the same people online night after night. We became a small family. They were here just as much as I was. Most of us were on the east coast and would race home from class, forget homework, hop online... eat, drink, sleep at our desks... and just talk, joke, laugh with each other day in and day out. I started to learn more and more about these people... they were just like me, needed somewhere to go, something to do, we just wanted to be accepted. We eventually all started to exchange emails, phone numbers, facebooks etc. Our chats use to range from silly topics like new cars, computers, Wendys baconator (anything bacon for that matter) to more serious topics like relationships, loss of a loved one, etc.

I remember 2 years after my dad died I logged in and someone who I've been very sociable with sent me a message asking me how I was holding up today. Mind you this person and I talked literally EVERY DAY for the past year ("Z") ... and he had his own things to worry about like midterms and grad school... but he remembered it was the anniversary of my dads death. This "virtual world" started to become real. Joshua and my online alter-ego "Jay" were now one person. Things going on in my life at that time that I didn't think I could deal with "Jay" would come out at night and share them with a complete group of strangers and got the comfort I needed.

I remember one day having one of the worst days in a long time. I was online chatting with "Z", "PR", "Kiddo" and a few others... when someone new came into the picture, "Mikey". Mikey wasn't like the rest... he was different. For some reason this person intrigued me. Actually, we ended up becoming really great friends and as fate would have it, ended up meeting in person one day. Sometimes people don't know how much of an impact they have on your life until you tell them. I think Mikey knows how much he means to me, but if not... I want to let him know if it wasn't for him, I would of never of had the courage to do half the things I've done this past year, and probably wouldn't be the person I am now. Mikey and I are still friends till this day, we still see each other all the time out and about at the bars, we still hang out every now and then. He is just one of the most caring, fun, warm-hearted people I have ever met. He is always good for a decent drink, a great laugh, and a good time. ACTUALLY... I think out of all the time's I've ever been "DRUNK" he accounts for MOST of them. hahahaha. But that's how the nights went.. we'd laugh, drink and forget our pains and enjoy each others company. I love that guy.

But not everyone in life is like Mikey. We aren't all lucky enough to have a Mikey in our life to get us back on the right foot, sometimes we need to do it all for ourselves. Recently someone who I consider to be really close to me is starting a whole new chapter of their life and I am amazed at how they are doing it. This person is very much independent to themselves and doesn't EVER ask for help from anyone. They are about to take on the biggest challenge of their life, and I'm amazed at how they are doing so far. I am their biggest fan, they know that... I can only hope when they need help or a shoulder to cry on, or a person to just vent to when it becomes too much... hopefully they know where I am, hopefully they know I'm their Mikey.

Mikey helped me deal with a lot of the pain I had these past few years...

This might be a tradition... Not sure yet, but I'm going to try and end each blog post with a song that reminds me of my current mood, or relates to the story some how...

We all have troubles in life, we all have problems we are dealing with.. We all wish we could just wash them all away, but they make us who we are. This song "Wash Away" by Joe Purdy is just a feel good song. and I heard it today while at work and it kind of just stuck with me.